Hello, and apologies for what is going to be a long post. When the idea that I might have Asperger's first dawned on me it seemed ridiculous, then it felt like a relief, then I felt like people would think I was just looking for an easy explanation for my social ineptitude that I could just use as a get-out-of-jail free card for not having to try any more... and maybe I am?
The reason I'm writing this now is that I feel in a bit of a crisis. I've been sitting crying and panicking in my office for an hour, because it was our Christmas fair at work, and I had to go and talk to people and risk running into colleagues I know and talk to them, including some girls who go on my bus who I now blank entirely because I can't cope with the social awkwardness. Which is just ridiculous and I can't go on like this, terrified of talking to other humans. I know I'm an introvert and I guess I might have social phobia, so maybe that's enough to explain my Asperger's-like tendencies? I would really appreciate your thoughts.
I'm in my early 30s and female, so I guess I would not present as typical. Here are the arguments, and some counter-arguments.
- I find it extremely difficult to make eye contact (this is what first started me thinking). I hadn't noticed I was abnormal in this way until some friends pointed it out, but now, when I remember, I make a conscious effort.
- All my life, I have found it incredibly difficult to make friends. Mostly as a child I had no real friends, occasionally one best friend but they never lasted. As an adult I have a very small number of dear friends, who are important to me. I have lost or come close to losing some of these friends, I think in large part because I don't know how to "give" to them, or really be a good or normal type of friend.
- I'm very bad at and don't enjoy small talk. I've got better at it by learning how. I remember a couple of really specific occasions when I've learned some specific rules. For example, as a child we had an assembly about politeness and I consciously taught myself to say please and was obsessed with opening doors for people for a while. And a few years ago, i.e. well into adulthood, I was talking about how I never knew what to say to a certain acquaintance, and the person I was talking to said she always asked him how his family was, and it was like a light bulb coming on in my head of yes! I can use this conversational strategy on almost anyone!... which I now do, having basically failed to really think of it before.
- Having "learnt" small talk, I can be not too bad at it, but I have no idea to progress that into being my authentic self with new people I meet, and therefore giving myself a chance to form a more meaningful relationship. By that I mean that I can be quite funny and apparently at ease on subjects like weather or food, but I'm basically acting and I don't find myself revealing my actual interests to people.
- On the other hand, when I *am* being myself, I'm always being accused of being "too serious".
- I can actually be very outgoing and confident, but this seems to be directly related to how clear my "role" is, whether explicit or implicit. For example, if someone asked me to show someone round where I work, I'd probably be perfectly chatty and funny and friendly, because i know I have a reason to talk to them and a role in the interaction. But if I just happened to bump into the same person, I would have no idea how to talk to them and find it awkward and difficult.
- Despite being an introvert, I do enjoy spending time with friends and friendly people that I feel comfortable with, which can include quite a lot more people than just my closest friends. In these circumstances, I can again be quite outgoing and talk/joke quite a lot - and I really do love interesting conversations.
- However, having to talk to strangers and acquaintances is somewhere between uncomfortable and terrifying. I used to be incredibly shy and taking me to a party full of strangers was the worst torture you could inflict on me. I've got better at it over the years - and when I'm doing it successfully it feels madly exhilarating - but it's still difficult and mostly makes me miserable.
- I feel safest alone.
- I have a history of depression, although recently it seems to be manifesting itself more as anxiety.
- Whilst I'm quite an emotional person, I find it hard to understand other people or really believe that they actually do have feelings.
- I think I'm reasonably caring and empathetic - other people and their emotions do matter a lot to me - but often I won't pick up on or fully understand how people are feeling unless they explain it to me explicitly in words (or give me other obvious clues like crying), rather than expecting me to intuit or imagine it. This is particularly the case when it's something that hasn't happened to me.
- I often find it hard to show sympathy or find the right words to connect with people, or know what to do to make them feel better.
- However, I don't feel like I have any trouble expressing or analysing my own feelings in general - although a lot of the time other people seem to give me new insights.
- When observing others (which I find interesting), I think I do pick up on social nuances and the way they react to each other, but I have no idea whether less or more than normal.
- I do worry a lot about what other people think about me and the judgements they might be making, and I have a constant background craving for the approval of others. I don't know if this is a way people with Asperger's feel?
- I enjoy spontaneity, but mainly when I have some degree of control over it (e.g. going out without a plan and just wandering about - but I decide or have a say in what I/we do). If my boyfriend does something like invite a friend over without telling me I find it very stressful.
_ I tend to have a mental plan of how things will go, and I get irrationally upset and stressed when reality doesn't comply, despite not having told the other people involved.
- I tend to find change hard.
- I've listened to certain audio books dozens of times, and it's like a safe place.
- I don't like loud noises.
- I do like and notice details, but I do see whole pictures too.
- I don't have obsessive interests or collections. There are a lot of things in the world that I find interesting, but actually find it impossible to be obsessively interested in one thing.
- I do get absorbed in things like drawing, reading, or stupid games, and will ignore the rest of the world. But, I find it quite hard to get into that state of concentration when I'm not engaged, and am often easily distracted from work.
- I can't multitask at all.
- I love language, stories, literature, and art, and I think in quite a metaphorical way, which I think is quite un-Asperger's-y, but maybe that's just a stereotype?
- I am interested in the natural world (I have a degree in biology), BUT in general I am more interested in people and human things than logical or mathematical things. I'm good with numbers and generally intelligent, but I certainly don't have any special talents in the numerical arena.
- I can't play chess to save my life, and am in general extremely bad at thinking several steps ahead. However, I am very good at spotting patterns (even when they aren't there!).
- I have an atrociously terrible memory. However, my short-term number memory is unusually good. I'm not synaesthetic but in my mind numbers do have colours.
- I'm incredibly messy and disorganised in general, but I'm "weird" about certain things, like things being in the right place in the fridge or my favourite ornaments being in the right places on the Christmas tree. When I was 12 I put all my books in alphabetical order by author. I enjoy chaotic and naturalistic design, but I hate it when things that are *meant* to be ordered aren't, so I'll straighten displays in shops and things like that.
- I have never in my life felt normal - always an outcast and feeling in some ways "better" than other people and happier to be myself, while another part desperately wanted to be normal and fit in.
Again, I apologise for the length of this... I needed to think it all out. Also apologies if I've accidentally based my ideas on any stereotypes or anything I've misremembered.
Right now I live abroad in a non-English-speaking country, so getting a diagnosis isn't really an option. One day I guess it might help in terms of accepting who I am, but more than that I want to actually get better at people so that my social and personal lives can be less of a disaster, and I want to understand how I can have a better relationship with my partner (who is bad at expressing his feelings but I think basically neurotypical - definitely more than I am !).
Thank you, thank you, thank you if you got this far. Whether or not I'm diagnosable I'm definitely weird and lonely, and really appreciative of your understanding and thoughts.
Edit: just to clarify, by "easy explanation" I didn't mean that Asperger's is easy. Rather that there is a part of me that always thinks that I could make friends and find socialising easy if I just made more of an effort, and sees giving myself a label as backsliding. I'm aware that this part of me is a ***!