Paranoia or actual autism

Hello there,

I don't really know where to start or where to go with this, a couple of years back I met a now friend who is diagnosed with AS. As we talked and got to know each other I discovered more about autism and aspergers syndrome. Just purely out of curiosity I took the AS screening test online to see my results. I scored pretty high in the screening test, but chose to dismiss it as many of these tests or quizzes usually don't mean much without any professional assessment. I've always had a bout of depression and anxiety that I have learned to cope with since I was a child. Coming from a traditional Asian background, most people do not really talk about their issues or problems. I've had many meltdowns which I've kept secret from my family and friends. Recently for whatever reason I decided to the the test again but this time being a 100% honest with myself when it came to answering the questions. I scored significantly higher compared to before. So I decided to start researching traits and symptoms of people with autism only to realised that I match many of the traits that most people have. I've been estranged from my family members for a long time, I recently reconnected with my sister and when she told me the things I've done, such as not keeping contact with my family and that I was selfish with many of my actions over the years, it really surprised me because I felt that I have done nothing wrong besides the fact that I really need my own personal space. People have told me that I have said some really hurtful things to other friends and people that I have met, I personally have no idea that it was unacceptable to say these things to say. I have a real problem trying to communicate my feelings. My past relationships have all failed terribly. Whenever my partners choose to talk about my feelings or theirs I feel cornered and suffocated. I'm terrible at explaining my feelings and thoughts even though I do somewhat understand what is it that I feel. I have learned how to tell if my partner or friends are feeling through their expressions but this is something I am still learning till today. 

My brain never seems to turn off, its so difficult to sleep that ever since I'm a child. My way to calming my mind before I sleep is to create adventures and scenarios in my mind so i can distract myself on one thing until I go to sleep. Its kinda silly for a 26 year old to do this but it works for me. I find repetitive motion to calm me down. I used to rock back and forth and bite my nails a lot until my mom told me it was not normal. So I started doing other things. I run my fingers through my hair so much that it has started dropping everywhere. I shake both my legs a little way too much. However I do still rock back and forth when I'm alone in my room. I've had to buy new chairs due to the fact that I wear out the the springs and wheels so often. Eye contact is out of the question. I can only maintain eye contact with my exes during intimate moments and even then it doesn't last more than 5-6 seconds. I do not like people touching me. Being a working adult I have learnt to allow certain body contact. I really really hate it when someone taps or puts their hand on my shoulder. Recently have been going to multiple jobs even though I've held some decent positions over the years. Routine is especially important for me. New jobs I have tried have been extremely difficult to hold as there isn't much routine to it. I've done 18 hour  days without any problems as long there is a routine to follow.

Seen a psychologist, didn't work. Prescribed drugs have  terrible side effects, i become suicidal, irrational , unreasonable. I've struggled with my issues but the medications just make me feel like.... I'm disconnected. I find society frustrating, contradictory and confusing. I "mix and "mingle" with others by observing the actions and body language of individuals in public and on television and just outright mimic them because being myself around people might make them feel uncomfortable. It's come to a point where the way I speak and act makes the local people think I'm foreign. I have a problem trying to understand and empathize what others are going through unless I have specifically been through the same thing they have. I remind myself to ask how they're feeling and constantly remind myself to check in on them to ask if they're okay. Certain things intrigue me to a point where I'm completely obsessed. I used to go through car websites just to get information about how much horsepower each type of car has and memorize them for no reason at all.

There I go again, just going on and on about myself. I'm sorry, I've just wrote an essay without noticing that I did.

Am I just desperate and paranoid to find something I can label myself so I can relate to? Or is this something I need to find help for?

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    You're welcome. This forum is good for offering different ideas about how to deal with being on the spectrum. Also there are lots of books about Aspergers and autism that may help you understand yourself better. You may or may not need any treatment and that depends on whether you are stressed or anxious or depressed etc. Mostly, I have been using this forum to try and understand it and I have read a couple of books that help me work work out what of my behaviour is driven by the ASD and what is just plain old "me".

  • Thanks a lot.. I'm really bad at this. But I'm really thankful for replying to this thread and helping me out in trying to figure out what it is I'm going through. Been lost throughout my life and it feels like I'm starting to get some clarity on my perspective. Thank you.

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    It isn't paranoia to feel that the world feels like a harsh place. Paranoia is about irrational and delude thoughts about people attacking you. In general, people don't set out to be horrible to us but because we are so often at odds with them because we don't understand them and they don't understand us we often end up in conflict. There are ways of reducing the conflict and learning to work with, rather than against, the world.

    Psychiatric help in any country isn't great. Autism is a hidden problem that often hides behind other issues. It actually takes very specialist doctors to reliably spot the problem and differentiate it from other mental ailments.

    The AQ Test is quite reliable, it was created by experts see the introduction at www.wired.com/.../ I think you can think of yourself as on autistic if you have that score. I would recommend reading a book like Valerie Gaus' Living Well on the Spectrum www.amazon.co.uk/.../1606236342 This advocates a positive approach to having the condition. If you can develop a positive attitude then you can be more forgiving of yourself and take a more give and take way to work with, rather than against, the rest of the world.

  • You're right, my anxiety has gone through the roof since I started researching and getting to know the symptoms.. 

    That's the test I did, I scored 44/50. Psychiatric care in my country is appalling. The psychiatrist I met when I was in the hospital was more interested to talk about having found Thc in my system rather than the fact the medications they prescribed me made me want to kill myself and hurt others. I also noticed that I stim a lot in various ways, one being my making a high pitch whine when I'm frustrated..... always thought it was just me being me...... I hate the fact that when I found out what stimming is I am now sometimes conscious of it. I've been reading so much about AS and autism just to find out what I'm going through. Could I just be another introvert looking for a label so that people will leave me alone? I do like going out with my friends and enjoying myself but I did this a lot growing up because I didn't want to be home. Now that I have a job and can afford my own space I rarely want to go out. 

    *** feels so foreign to me, small talk is stupid. Why would you do that when you can be talking about more important things? I do not want to be like this. Its so hard explaining this to my sister. I'm lucky in the sense that as a chef when I'm rigid and inflexible about my work, they just conclude it as me having high standards. 

    I worry that I'm just being outrageously paranoid. However my ability to feel empathy and sympathy is something I have thought myself to understand. Used to be the best I could do was just say... It's okay and give a pat on the back. Am I a sociopath? Today I hid in my room the entire day because just being around my family was making me extremely anxious. It feels so tiring putting on a mask everyday .. having people point out my quirks...Feels like I'm mentally not equipped for this planet... symptoms I read about are so general they give me no peace of mind. I wish I was just that difficult rigid ***, at least then I can be someone else instead of this person that can't become who they want to be.

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Welcome to the forum.

    Don't apologise for going on about yourself, you are wondering about yourself so there's no other way of doing it.

    Is the test that you have done the aqtest at aspergerstest.net/.../ ?

    What did the psychologist make of your problems? Aspergers doesn't often respond to drugs so it isn't surprising that they didn't help you.

    Lots of your post sound very very familiar and very similar to lots of other posts on this forum.

  • Hi there

    I´m new to this forum as well and I´m also thinking whether it is Aspergers or paranoia. The same thing happened with you as with me regarding the tests and I have many of the symptoms, including some sensory problems. Also, ever since I´ve started looking into it, I started to develop a lot of anxiety as well.

    I am about to undergo testing to know one way or another. If it is Aspergers I´ll be partly relieved to finally have a answer. I´m not sure what the rest of me will think. At the end of the day I guess it´s up to you, but the fact you are on here asking probably means you want to find out the answer more formally.