Hello there,
I don't really know where to start or where to go with this, a couple of years back I met a now friend who is diagnosed with AS. As we talked and got to know each other I discovered more about autism and aspergers syndrome. Just purely out of curiosity I took the AS screening test online to see my results. I scored pretty high in the screening test, but chose to dismiss it as many of these tests or quizzes usually don't mean much without any professional assessment. I've always had a bout of depression and anxiety that I have learned to cope with since I was a child. Coming from a traditional Asian background, most people do not really talk about their issues or problems. I've had many meltdowns which I've kept secret from my family and friends. Recently for whatever reason I decided to the the test again but this time being a 100% honest with myself when it came to answering the questions. I scored significantly higher compared to before. So I decided to start researching traits and symptoms of people with autism only to realised that I match many of the traits that most people have. I've been estranged from my family members for a long time, I recently reconnected with my sister and when she told me the things I've done, such as not keeping contact with my family and that I was selfish with many of my actions over the years, it really surprised me because I felt that I have done nothing wrong besides the fact that I really need my own personal space. People have told me that I have said some really hurtful things to other friends and people that I have met, I personally have no idea that it was unacceptable to say these things to say. I have a real problem trying to communicate my feelings. My past relationships have all failed terribly. Whenever my partners choose to talk about my feelings or theirs I feel cornered and suffocated. I'm terrible at explaining my feelings and thoughts even though I do somewhat understand what is it that I feel. I have learned how to tell if my partner or friends are feeling through their expressions but this is something I am still learning till today.
My brain never seems to turn off, its so difficult to sleep that ever since I'm a child. My way to calming my mind before I sleep is to create adventures and scenarios in my mind so i can distract myself on one thing until I go to sleep. Its kinda silly for a 26 year old to do this but it works for me. I find repetitive motion to calm me down. I used to rock back and forth and bite my nails a lot until my mom told me it was not normal. So I started doing other things. I run my fingers through my hair so much that it has started dropping everywhere. I shake both my legs a little way too much. However I do still rock back and forth when I'm alone in my room. I've had to buy new chairs due to the fact that I wear out the the springs and wheels so often. Eye contact is out of the question. I can only maintain eye contact with my exes during intimate moments and even then it doesn't last more than 5-6 seconds. I do not like people touching me. Being a working adult I have learnt to allow certain body contact. I really really hate it when someone taps or puts their hand on my shoulder. Recently have been going to multiple jobs even though I've held some decent positions over the years. Routine is especially important for me. New jobs I have tried have been extremely difficult to hold as there isn't much routine to it. I've done 18 hour days without any problems as long there is a routine to follow.
Seen a psychologist, didn't work. Prescribed drugs have terrible side effects, i become suicidal, irrational , unreasonable. I've struggled with my issues but the medications just make me feel like.... I'm disconnected. I find society frustrating, contradictory and confusing. I "mix and "mingle" with others by observing the actions and body language of individuals in public and on television and just outright mimic them because being myself around people might make them feel uncomfortable. It's come to a point where the way I speak and act makes the local people think I'm foreign. I have a problem trying to understand and empathize what others are going through unless I have specifically been through the same thing they have. I remind myself to ask how they're feeling and constantly remind myself to check in on them to ask if they're okay. Certain things intrigue me to a point where I'm completely obsessed. I used to go through car websites just to get information about how much horsepower each type of car has and memorize them for no reason at all.
There I go again, just going on and on about myself. I'm sorry, I've just wrote an essay without noticing that I did.
Am I just desperate and paranoid to find something I can label myself so I can relate to? Or is this something I need to find help for?