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Lost after diagnosis

nm

I'm a 43yr old woman. I've suffered from depression and other associated mental health issues most of my life. I finally got assessed last week and was told that I was on the spectrum. 

I thought I would feel relieved. My whole life I've been confused by social interaction, and told by everyone that I just needed to try harder to be social. I was resigned to being socially awkward, and now I know, at least, that there's a reason behind it, and thought maybe I could cut myself a break now. I think, very probably, that it's been the cause of my depression too. I don't really know anything about Asperger's but it seems to make sense.

I don't really have much social interaction. I have a dog and I have to talk to other dog walkers every day but only briefly. I work at home and don't go out otherwise. I have two friends that I usually speak to on the phone once a week.  Otherwise I have friends online that I write to.

This last week though, I find myself analysing everything I'm saying. I realised that 80% of my conversation to my friends is me not understanding an aspect of human behaviour or them having to explain stuff to me. It's making me really self conscious. 

I haven't been able to bring myself to tell my family yet. They live far away, and I feel like they won't be supportive anyway. 

I thought getting diagnosed would help but right now I feel even more isolated. I don't want to talk to anyone. I really hoped this would make things better, but I don't know how to make that happen.

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  • I totally get what you are saying.  I too have "coped" for a long time, including working as a Stage Manager on national tours.  I was the person that people relied on to keep it together and keep everything on track.  Couldn't really be more ironic.  I think I coped because I was so adept at masking and keeping notes to function.  I have not found it natural to have to open up and explore my vulnerabilities and it felt very strange to be seen as "disabled" and to explore my impairments.  However, when I ran into problems at uni having the clout of a mentor helped with negotiating deadlines.  

    i have had a run in of terrible experiences recently where I have trusted people who did not have my best interests at heart and it has made me realise that the only thing positive I can get from that is that maybe my coping strategies havent always helped me as much as I thought.  I am now trying to be more open minded about how I manage and to embrace whatever (limited) help is on offer.  My mentor was great at rationalising my study methods and I became much more efficient.  

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  • I totally get what you are saying.  I too have "coped" for a long time, including working as a Stage Manager on national tours.  I was the person that people relied on to keep it together and keep everything on track.  Couldn't really be more ironic.  I think I coped because I was so adept at masking and keeping notes to function.  I have not found it natural to have to open up and explore my vulnerabilities and it felt very strange to be seen as "disabled" and to explore my impairments.  However, when I ran into problems at uni having the clout of a mentor helped with negotiating deadlines.  

    i have had a run in of terrible experiences recently where I have trusted people who did not have my best interests at heart and it has made me realise that the only thing positive I can get from that is that maybe my coping strategies havent always helped me as much as I thought.  I am now trying to be more open minded about how I manage and to embrace whatever (limited) help is on offer.  My mentor was great at rationalising my study methods and I became much more efficient.  

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