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Lost after diagnosis

nm

I'm a 43yr old woman. I've suffered from depression and other associated mental health issues most of my life. I finally got assessed last week and was told that I was on the spectrum. 

I thought I would feel relieved. My whole life I've been confused by social interaction, and told by everyone that I just needed to try harder to be social. I was resigned to being socially awkward, and now I know, at least, that there's a reason behind it, and thought maybe I could cut myself a break now. I think, very probably, that it's been the cause of my depression too. I don't really know anything about Asperger's but it seems to make sense.

I don't really have much social interaction. I have a dog and I have to talk to other dog walkers every day but only briefly. I work at home and don't go out otherwise. I have two friends that I usually speak to on the phone once a week.  Otherwise I have friends online that I write to.

This last week though, I find myself analysing everything I'm saying. I realised that 80% of my conversation to my friends is me not understanding an aspect of human behaviour or them having to explain stuff to me. It's making me really self conscious. 

I haven't been able to bring myself to tell my family yet. They live far away, and I feel like they won't be supportive anyway. 

I thought getting diagnosed would help but right now I feel even more isolated. I don't want to talk to anyone. I really hoped this would make things better, but I don't know how to make that happen.

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  • I think this discussion is exactly what I needed to read right now. I'm SO relieved to discover it's not just me struggling with my diagnosis (two weeks ago, I'm 39 with a husband who is almost certaintly also Aspie, and two daughters, one of whom has a high-functioning autism diagnosis from a year ago, and one who has just been referred for assessment following my diagnosis). I feel like there's a tornado raging in my head. I'm in my final year of a six-year part-time degree with the Open University and I've lost all capacity for critical thought, hopefully temporarily. I'm overdue on my first essay though, and really struggling to make space in my brain to deal with it. I'm feeling pretty existential at the moment, and scenarios from throughout my life keep replaying in my mind as I wonder whether Asperger's was responsible for it going wrong. 

    I've registered with my local autism initiative project, and was meant to be going to their Tuesday morning drop-in for women over 35 this morning, but I need to spend the day trying to get this essay done. They also do an eight-week course for people diagnosed as adults, which I will do in the new year. I'm really hoping it will help me come to terms with all the different feelings I'm having about this (and letting go of the what-ifs and the if-onlys). 

    I like the idea of the super power with strings. I just need to work through what this means for me, because right now all I can see is the strings, and even thinking about all my achievements "despite undiagnosed Asperger's" is still labelling it a DISability. 

    Student support have suggested I consider deferring this year of study so I can sort my head out and start again next October, but I don't want to wait that long to finish, I'm fed up studying now, plus I'll be 40 next year and graduating is on my list of Forty Things I'm planning to do to celebrate (this was a decision I'd taken long before assessment and diagnosis, when I came to realise that there was no point planning the big party I'd assumed I'd have for my 40th, because I don't actually have any friends...)

    One thing I don't feel though is guilty. Difficulties I have had are because of the Asperger's, not because of me. I have done my best, I have never intentionally hurt or upset anyone, so I don't have anything to feel guilty about. It wasn't my fault, I have mitigating circumstances. I'm hoping that now I know the cause of the difficulty, I will be able to adjust better for it in future. 

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  • I think this discussion is exactly what I needed to read right now. I'm SO relieved to discover it's not just me struggling with my diagnosis (two weeks ago, I'm 39 with a husband who is almost certaintly also Aspie, and two daughters, one of whom has a high-functioning autism diagnosis from a year ago, and one who has just been referred for assessment following my diagnosis). I feel like there's a tornado raging in my head. I'm in my final year of a six-year part-time degree with the Open University and I've lost all capacity for critical thought, hopefully temporarily. I'm overdue on my first essay though, and really struggling to make space in my brain to deal with it. I'm feeling pretty existential at the moment, and scenarios from throughout my life keep replaying in my mind as I wonder whether Asperger's was responsible for it going wrong. 

    I've registered with my local autism initiative project, and was meant to be going to their Tuesday morning drop-in for women over 35 this morning, but I need to spend the day trying to get this essay done. They also do an eight-week course for people diagnosed as adults, which I will do in the new year. I'm really hoping it will help me come to terms with all the different feelings I'm having about this (and letting go of the what-ifs and the if-onlys). 

    I like the idea of the super power with strings. I just need to work through what this means for me, because right now all I can see is the strings, and even thinking about all my achievements "despite undiagnosed Asperger's" is still labelling it a DISability. 

    Student support have suggested I consider deferring this year of study so I can sort my head out and start again next October, but I don't want to wait that long to finish, I'm fed up studying now, plus I'll be 40 next year and graduating is on my list of Forty Things I'm planning to do to celebrate (this was a decision I'd taken long before assessment and diagnosis, when I came to realise that there was no point planning the big party I'd assumed I'd have for my 40th, because I don't actually have any friends...)

    One thing I don't feel though is guilty. Difficulties I have had are because of the Asperger's, not because of me. I have done my best, I have never intentionally hurt or upset anyone, so I don't have anything to feel guilty about. It wasn't my fault, I have mitigating circumstances. I'm hoping that now I know the cause of the difficulty, I will be able to adjust better for it in future. 

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