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Lost after diagnosis

nm

I'm a 43yr old woman. I've suffered from depression and other associated mental health issues most of my life. I finally got assessed last week and was told that I was on the spectrum. 

I thought I would feel relieved. My whole life I've been confused by social interaction, and told by everyone that I just needed to try harder to be social. I was resigned to being socially awkward, and now I know, at least, that there's a reason behind it, and thought maybe I could cut myself a break now. I think, very probably, that it's been the cause of my depression too. I don't really know anything about Asperger's but it seems to make sense.

I don't really have much social interaction. I have a dog and I have to talk to other dog walkers every day but only briefly. I work at home and don't go out otherwise. I have two friends that I usually speak to on the phone once a week.  Otherwise I have friends online that I write to.

This last week though, I find myself analysing everything I'm saying. I realised that 80% of my conversation to my friends is me not understanding an aspect of human behaviour or them having to explain stuff to me. It's making me really self conscious. 

I haven't been able to bring myself to tell my family yet. They live far away, and I feel like they won't be supportive anyway. 

I thought getting diagnosed would help but right now I feel even more isolated. I don't want to talk to anyone. I really hoped this would make things better, but I don't know how to make that happen.

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  • Hello gojojo & nm,

       Firstly, let me say I do understand. As a fellow female on the spectrum it's been incredibly hard for me also.

    However, you are not alone and their are people who do understand.

    I'm aware that some people on the spectrum; and I include myself here, are incredably hard on themselves. My own focus tends to centre on all the things I know I struggle with and all the areas I get wrong. The truth is, you cannot change that, it is part of who you are. However, few of us realize how much we do accomplish and what our strengths are, possibly even believing that all the negitives somehow cancel out our skills and atributes. In my case, I'm truly bad at recognising anything good that I do. Our Black and white thinking often doesn't help either.

    Taking time to sit and talk with others on the spectrum or getting reflections from others who appreciate us as a whole person, is incredably helpful. No one should be made to feel foolish, and If a friend leaves you feeling that way, then I suspect they are not a true friend.

    Part of coming to terms with things, post diagnosis, is not just about focusing on the negetives, but using them as a tool to help you with the positives in your life. Far from being a negitive, it seems to me you are both very in touch with where you struggle. This may sound odd, but you need to use this as a foundation, to build on the positives in your life.

    I'm really crap at managing money, understanding finances and generally planning and organising. I also have Dyslexia. Post diagnosis, and for the first time ever, I've managed to ask for help with those elements I struggle with, which with time, I hope will make life more bareable instead of just struggling on by myself and feeling I'm constantly failing.

    It's ok for us to admit we struggle. Neurotypical people struggle with things too!

    Empowerment comes with surrounding yourself with enablers. I'm really OCD and use those skills in my work, which is a positive. The elements I struggle with, now i've become more aware of them, have to be support by other people. Together it works.

    Can I suggest a book that may help. 'Living well on the spectrum,' by Valerie Gaus. It's essentaillly a work book, but it pretty much helps you work through identifying areas of need and establishing strategies to help. It also explains the reasons behind some of the sensory and cognitive issues Aspies have.

    www.amazon.co.uk/.../1606236342

    Also, read some of the female Aspie literature out there. Sarah Hendrix and Cynthia Kim are two examples of late diagnosed, female, Adults who have learned to identify areas they struggle with and turn their life around.

    www.amazon.co.uk/.../ref=sr_1_1

    www.amazon.co.uk/.../ref=sr_1_4

    Being and Aspie isn't a curse, It's actually a gift. The world needs more Aspie tallent truth be known. We are each of us gifted. 'Different, Not less,' I believe Temples mum explained it. Cut yourself some slack and be a little kinder to yourelf.

    Talk to people who understand, surround yourselves with those who empower and listen only to those who love you for who you are. If NT's treat you badly, then they don't deserve to have you as aa friend. You are more than just a label or a diagnosis, you are unique and have much to offer the world. 

    Talk to other women on the spectrum and post here when you need a little support. You are not alone.

    Take care and Good luck

    Coogy Mxx

Reply

  • Hello gojojo & nm,

       Firstly, let me say I do understand. As a fellow female on the spectrum it's been incredibly hard for me also.

    However, you are not alone and their are people who do understand.

    I'm aware that some people on the spectrum; and I include myself here, are incredably hard on themselves. My own focus tends to centre on all the things I know I struggle with and all the areas I get wrong. The truth is, you cannot change that, it is part of who you are. However, few of us realize how much we do accomplish and what our strengths are, possibly even believing that all the negitives somehow cancel out our skills and atributes. In my case, I'm truly bad at recognising anything good that I do. Our Black and white thinking often doesn't help either.

    Taking time to sit and talk with others on the spectrum or getting reflections from others who appreciate us as a whole person, is incredably helpful. No one should be made to feel foolish, and If a friend leaves you feeling that way, then I suspect they are not a true friend.

    Part of coming to terms with things, post diagnosis, is not just about focusing on the negetives, but using them as a tool to help you with the positives in your life. Far from being a negitive, it seems to me you are both very in touch with where you struggle. This may sound odd, but you need to use this as a foundation, to build on the positives in your life.

    I'm really crap at managing money, understanding finances and generally planning and organising. I also have Dyslexia. Post diagnosis, and for the first time ever, I've managed to ask for help with those elements I struggle with, which with time, I hope will make life more bareable instead of just struggling on by myself and feeling I'm constantly failing.

    It's ok for us to admit we struggle. Neurotypical people struggle with things too!

    Empowerment comes with surrounding yourself with enablers. I'm really OCD and use those skills in my work, which is a positive. The elements I struggle with, now i've become more aware of them, have to be support by other people. Together it works.

    Can I suggest a book that may help. 'Living well on the spectrum,' by Valerie Gaus. It's essentaillly a work book, but it pretty much helps you work through identifying areas of need and establishing strategies to help. It also explains the reasons behind some of the sensory and cognitive issues Aspies have.

    www.amazon.co.uk/.../1606236342

    Also, read some of the female Aspie literature out there. Sarah Hendrix and Cynthia Kim are two examples of late diagnosed, female, Adults who have learned to identify areas they struggle with and turn their life around.

    www.amazon.co.uk/.../ref=sr_1_1

    www.amazon.co.uk/.../ref=sr_1_4

    Being and Aspie isn't a curse, It's actually a gift. The world needs more Aspie tallent truth be known. We are each of us gifted. 'Different, Not less,' I believe Temples mum explained it. Cut yourself some slack and be a little kinder to yourelf.

    Talk to people who understand, surround yourselves with those who empower and listen only to those who love you for who you are. If NT's treat you badly, then they don't deserve to have you as aa friend. You are more than just a label or a diagnosis, you are unique and have much to offer the world. 

    Talk to other women on the spectrum and post here when you need a little support. You are not alone.

    Take care and Good luck

    Coogy Mxx

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