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Lost after diagnosis

nm

I'm a 43yr old woman. I've suffered from depression and other associated mental health issues most of my life. I finally got assessed last week and was told that I was on the spectrum. 

I thought I would feel relieved. My whole life I've been confused by social interaction, and told by everyone that I just needed to try harder to be social. I was resigned to being socially awkward, and now I know, at least, that there's a reason behind it, and thought maybe I could cut myself a break now. I think, very probably, that it's been the cause of my depression too. I don't really know anything about Asperger's but it seems to make sense.

I don't really have much social interaction. I have a dog and I have to talk to other dog walkers every day but only briefly. I work at home and don't go out otherwise. I have two friends that I usually speak to on the phone once a week.  Otherwise I have friends online that I write to.

This last week though, I find myself analysing everything I'm saying. I realised that 80% of my conversation to my friends is me not understanding an aspect of human behaviour or them having to explain stuff to me. It's making me really self conscious. 

I haven't been able to bring myself to tell my family yet. They live far away, and I feel like they won't be supportive anyway. 

I thought getting diagnosed would help but right now I feel even more isolated. I don't want to talk to anyone. I really hoped this would make things better, but I don't know how to make that happen.

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  • Hello NM,

    I don't have any answers but understand what you are going through.  I'm a 42 year old woman and was diagnosed last year by my psychiatrist after years of anxiety, agoraphobia and bipolar depression.  I hadn't been seeking a diagnosis, nor knew anything about aspergers.

    my life has completely fallen apart since diagnosis.  The shame and guilt I feel that all the interactions I've had with people have all been my fault, that i don't and never will fit in, that when people don't understand me it is my fault not theirs.  I have had months of therapy with an autism "specialist" and am no nearer to self acceptance.

    i was withdrawing from society before diagnosis and quit my job etc I have a husband and one friend left;  my family and few "friends" didn't want to know me anymore when I told them about the diagnosis.  Having this knowledge has made me hate myself even more and I realise that there is no hope for me.  I must soldier on alone with no one understanding me and being treated like I'm an idioT.

    i realise that for me the biggest hurdle is learning that I will always be different and marginalized at least before this I was hoping that one day the depression would lift and I would be "normal".  I am now trying and struggling to accept that I will always be different, unintentionally cause offence and will have to learn to adjust to being lonely and depressed as this will never change.  I hope to get back to work one day but that will mean being self employed to avoid contact with people and upsetting them.  I never thought that my life would amount to this.  I don't understand the people who have found relief from diagnosis.  I suspect they are men.  I live in London and have tried to meet aspie women but everything seems geared to men.  oh, I have a cat who keeps me going.

    sorry this isn't very cheerful, I just want to tell you that you are not alone.  

Reply

  • Hello NM,

    I don't have any answers but understand what you are going through.  I'm a 42 year old woman and was diagnosed last year by my psychiatrist after years of anxiety, agoraphobia and bipolar depression.  I hadn't been seeking a diagnosis, nor knew anything about aspergers.

    my life has completely fallen apart since diagnosis.  The shame and guilt I feel that all the interactions I've had with people have all been my fault, that i don't and never will fit in, that when people don't understand me it is my fault not theirs.  I have had months of therapy with an autism "specialist" and am no nearer to self acceptance.

    i was withdrawing from society before diagnosis and quit my job etc I have a husband and one friend left;  my family and few "friends" didn't want to know me anymore when I told them about the diagnosis.  Having this knowledge has made me hate myself even more and I realise that there is no hope for me.  I must soldier on alone with no one understanding me and being treated like I'm an idioT.

    i realise that for me the biggest hurdle is learning that I will always be different and marginalized at least before this I was hoping that one day the depression would lift and I would be "normal".  I am now trying and struggling to accept that I will always be different, unintentionally cause offence and will have to learn to adjust to being lonely and depressed as this will never change.  I hope to get back to work one day but that will mean being self employed to avoid contact with people and upsetting them.  I never thought that my life would amount to this.  I don't understand the people who have found relief from diagnosis.  I suspect they are men.  I live in London and have tried to meet aspie women but everything seems geared to men.  oh, I have a cat who keeps me going.

    sorry this isn't very cheerful, I just want to tell you that you are not alone.  

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