Hello all,
I have just turned 19 years old and left school around a quarter of a year ago and I hope it is alright if I kind of explain my life story :p
Every time I repeat it back to myself in my head, it sounds more proposterous me but I have my suspicions about possibly having AS. Looking back to when I was in school, both primary and secondary, I would spend tremendous time off school pretending to be ill. I would enjoy being at home in my room playing either Command and Conquer, Fallout, Mass Effect (you name it) on my computer. I would feel a drop in my gut when I thought about having to go back tomorrow morning. The next morning I would beg my mum to stay, but under her better judgement she would know to send me in.
Most off my early school life involved a lot of tears and trying to hide them alike. There where around 5 "friends" I had in the early stage that would talk to me. However as I would be off school for longer and longer they would become intrusive, wanting to know what I was doing. My biggest fear was coming back to the common room the next morning and one of them approaching me with a stinky look on their face, saying "What the hell was wrong with you the past 4 days?". It was the scariest thing imaginable to me. Eventually instead of talking to me they would simply shout something like 'Oi the skyver is back!!!' (skyver was a slang word for someone who missed school on purpose).
I was the same with sports. In primary school I had a lot of snappy old ladies as teachers and they would make me cry whenever I got even the slightest row. That fear carried on into sports. Of course in rugby you are going to have some boot camp style shouting from teachers and coaches alike. So naturally I cried whilst running through the pitch throwing the ball (too scared to ever go up to the teachers/coaches). So I made it my goal to skip sports too.
Years later up until my GCSEs there was a cycle of having a single friend for the space of 2 or 1 week because we where paired up, or they were new and they had no memory of who I was before in school. They eventually assimilated with the main population of my year and I no longer wanted to talk to them, I presumed the same of them. I would still cry sometimes. I would skip school when I could convince my parents. I began to feel happy retreating into my imagination during classes (the ones I could cope with without missing my room at home).
I had always loved drawing, ever since I was 6. Things included robots, mech suits, aliens, space battles. A lot I would take from Hollywood action blockbusters, or cartoons or Bionicle. As my social awkwardness from the age of around 14 to 17, I constructed almost and alternate world in my head where I could be a mech pilot or a psionic warrior of sorts. This was something that I still cling to today and aspire to tell the world. My mum would listen to my ideas and tell me my pictures where good, but as I got older and I showed her stuff I had drawn when I was 16/17, it was the same reaction as if I was 6. It bothered me. I never showed them to dad, it made me sad that he never cared. He shouted at me sometimes when he got angry at things and would leave the room whenever I put on the Bionicle movie or Transformers. I felt sad because I felt like he should be the one to sit down and watch them with me. He reacted badly when I woud spend time off school sometimes. He would come pick me up from school when I did manage to convince the school to let me go home. He would tell me to pull myself together and stop being dramatic. It was not the feedback I wanted. I still have this issue now that I'm 19. I sit down to watch the Avengers and he scoffs and leaves. He gets angry when we are doing manual labor and snaps at me to hurry up with something. Its the same reaction I have with snappy primary school teachers and I used to rank him with them from time to time.
Probably the worst time of my life so far had to be my GCSEs/IGCSEs. I felt like I was going to cough up my internal organs days before every exam I was so anxious. This was my introduction to anxiety. I ultimately failed Chemistry, Physics, Geography and only got a C in History because I had anxiety attacks in the hall. It was a living hell and to be honest my parents where of little to no help. Their main response being 'everyone gets this feeling. I look around before the exam and, Im sorry, I see no one shivering and lurching as if they are about to vomit.
I did have one fiend at the time and believe it or not she helped me through a lot. It was almost as if she helped just by existing. That summer we hung out a fair bit, saw a movie and she listend when I told her my experiences during exams. I felt as if I could finally tell someone about the world I want to bring to real life in my head. It was pretty magical.
With my GCSE scores I had JUST earned the grades to take the International Baccaleareate (pardon my spelling if thats wrong). This was an up. I found a potential bridge from the world in my head to the real world by studying philosophy. It was a revelation and i am still in love with the subject. At this time I still had a severe lack of friends so whenever I tried to make conversation regarding abstract concepts I would often get a response like 'stop talking bull****' or 'you'll never get a job being like that'. I almost learned to stop caring about others opinons of me by that point. I enjoyed seeing the bigger picture in philosophy. In some classes, teachers would call me 'Mr Metaphysics'. I loved it, it gave me recognition, recognition on MY TERMS. I earned the IB Prize for Philosophy when I left school and I could not of been happier, I had a skill. I love looking to politics using philosophical knowledge to decipher why certain decisions are made by those in power, like understanding why conservatives are conservative and why liberals are liberals. It made sense to me!!! Dad would listen to me when I had something new to tell him about what I learned. I began feeling a bridge between me and him, it meant a lot. I still feel awkward around him sometimes but I feel like things have improven.
I am both happy and sad that I have left school. Happy that all the people who had known me for the crybaby skyver in lower school and the shady shifty guy in middle school, where all gone and I don't ever have to talk to them. But I'm sad that I had reacted so badly with my piers. But I look forward to the fresh start doing Philosophy and International Politics at university.
Today I sit in my room a lot, and play Fallout, Minecraft, Terraria and much more on my PC and it gives me time to think. Seeing internet phenomenons I could relate to like Syrsa/Dutvutan and even Christian Weston Chandler who all have aspergers I could begin seeing myself in their shoes. It was scary for a while that it had never crossed my mind that I could be in the same theoretical boat as them. I didn't want to disprove my theory that I could have some sort of aspergers or mild form of it without consulting those who do have it and those who have knowledge in the respected field.
So, does anything correlate? (However correlation does not equal causation :p Philosophy woo :D !) Please I would love to hear your answers whether they prove or disprove, either way. Thank you!
Roar
p.s, sorry my grammer and spelling is bad