Hi there, I just wondered if I could get people's opinions on my best friends child. Sorry this is a long post.
My best friends daughter is now 9 (nearly 10) years old, and bless her is really struggling at school with her education and bullying. Me and her mum have always suspected autism, the school suspect ADHD and said he behaviour "doesn't fit" with autism, so outside opinions would be useful.
Ellie will talk to everyone, even those others shy away from, she's always been that way. From the lady at the bus stop to the drunk scary homeless man on a park bench cradling a beer, everyone. She has absolutely no fear with people. She doesn't just talk to people though, young or old they are immediately her best friend within seconds of meeting them and she'll be very over the top with them and telling them she loves them, inviting them to her house ect. She also doesn't really seem to get the idea of personal space, and will touch/stroke/hug and talk very closely in the faces of people she's just met. She really has no fear at all of people, she will shout and scream and even try to hit children and adults if she disagrees with them, regardless of how big and scary they are. Recently an old man on the bus saw her talking rude to her mum and said "you shouldn't talk to your mum like that." she swung for him. I remember vividly I took her to soft play when she was 4, and a little boy pushed her over. When the little boy wouldn't apologise, she marched straight up to the boy's parents, and then had a go at his 6"4 stocky dad and demanded he punish his son for it. Like I said, she has no fear! She's also a couple of times tried to walk home with strangers to their house and could very easily be persuaded by a man to walk off with him much to her mums horror.
She doesn't seem to understand what is and isn't ok to say. For instance you wouldn't call a fat person fat to their face because you know it'd upset them, but Ellie would. Not because she's being nasty, she just doesn't understand it's wrong to say. She's very blunt with her thoughts and opinions, which makes it very hard for her to make friends. For instance she went to a friends birthday party a while back, her mum told her to write a thank you note for being invited and in the note she wrote "Thank you for inviting me to your party, I didn't have a good time because it was boring. Love Ellie x".
She has always been very very angry, even before she could talk as a toddler she would shake and growl. She gets extremely angry over the slightest thing and lashes out, with words and physically. She will often tell her mum she doesn't love her or like her, or wants a new mum. She will openly ask other people to be her new mum in front of her mum. She also hits/kicks/scratches/bites when she doesn't get her own way which is increasingly dangerous for her mum who is only 5 foot tall and 6 stone, Ellie at nearly 10 is now nearly as tall as her mum and the older she gets the stronger she gets as you can imagine.
Ellie doesn't seem to really feel empathy for others. It's hard to explain I spose. I mean she understands what the emotions are, but doesn't act accordingly. When someone's sad or hurt she'll say things like "aww poor you" in a very overly dramatic kind of fake way then move on, when it comes to other people her feelings seem to be insincere and over the top, like an act. She will be nasty to someone who is upset, or hurt people when they're ill, despite knowing something is wrong. Her mum had a major operation recently and was laying in bed bandaged up, very frail and ill and Ellie punched her in the stomach, and didn't feel bad about this at all. She is very insensitive with her words and questions. It's hard to explain, but she doesn't seem to understand or feel any empathy towards people and often her emotions seem very fake. She also isn't good with young children. She doesn't seem to understand that they are only little and so are more fragile or can't do the things she does, she will also keep giving them things she knows they can't have despite being told not to and doesn't understand even glaringly obvious dangers with young children.
She gets very jealous of other children. She always has to be the centre of attention in everything. She's not good at sharing and still prone to snatching others things.
She doesn't seem to understand that actions have consequences. It's like she really can't stop herself, and bless her we all feel so sorry for her. Her mum feels so terrible because she is told off constantly, it's like even though she knows doing whatever it is will get her in trouble, she still does it. It's not just a case of being naughty, it's like she really can't stop herself. Everything is also done to extremes, she can't eat one yogurt for instance, she'll eat the whole 6 pack. She can't have one pack of crisps, she'll eat the lot. Same with all food, even in the case of sweets that overeating make her feel sick, or eating so much she has a tummy ache, she will still do it. Her mum has now had to lock food away. She will be very nasty to someone, but then seconds later they are her best friend again, and can't understand why they don't want to talk to her anymore. She'll hit or say nasty things to other children, or shout and even throw chairs at her teacher, then seconds later will ask them to play or tell them she loves them like nothing even happened.
She's very hyper, she can't sit still unless it's something she really wants to do. She has a major problem with being told what to do or authority figures. The school are at their wits end as she will not follow instructions in class, and while the rest of the class are doing an activity she will refuse to join in and want to do her own thing if it doesn't interest her. As a result she is behind all the other children in class with pretty much all aspects of her education, but the school have said despite this she is an intelligent child and they know she is completely capable, she just refuses to do things.
She will not sleep, every night is a major battle with kicking/screaming/hitting/biting and fits of tears lasting hours.
She acts very much like a younger child, her understanding of other people, the world, and danger is like that of a young child. She also likes more "babyish" imaginary play than her friends do, sadly yet another reason why often children don't want to play with her.
Everyone brands her as a "naughty" child. Friends and family members make up excuses why she can't come to their houses, she no longer gets party invites and the kids at school have started bullying her, ignoring her or just generally staying away from her. Recently there was quite a sad incident at school where she ended up being ill from eating grass, the other children told her to do it and in an attempt to make them like her she did, of course they then all laughed at her, heartbreaking.
Ellie has always been different from other children right from the start. Her mum has tried parenting classes and reward charts and time out, nothing has ever made any difference and she is completely and utterly mentally and physically drained and just desperately wants some answers and some help. Her mum was saying to me today that all children are naughty, but most children are good most of the time and just sometimes naughty, where as with Ellie she is mostly naughty and only sometimes good. She really doesn't know what to do anymore and doesn't know where to turn. Any thoughts or ideas welcome and thanks for reading this far!
