Son has refused the assessment

Well, the CPN and woman from the autism team came in the front door and our son escaped out the back!  He had initially agreed to the assessment but, he says, only because he felt that the psychiatrist was too insistant and he felt coerced.  And now he's saying he doesn't want it, he won't see them and it's his decision.  The trouble is, we have to live with the consequences of his decision too.  He's mucky, withdrawn and spends all day in ritualistic behaviours to avoid "negative energy" or else on his computer.  He also quite frequently blanks us and rarely goes out.  No friends and no contacts over the phone or internet either.  There's a real atmosphere in our home and, even if he insists that what he's doing is more likely to make him happy, I think he is making himself, and the rest of us, very miserable indeed.

Of course, we are running into issues around mental capacity here.  The psychiatrist insists that he has capacity and we, of course, would always want to promote autonomy and independence where possible.  But to us it seems that he is in the grip of delusional beliefs and that, without the effects of possible autism plus associated mental illness through years of non recognition of this, he certainly wouldn't be choosing to spend his life like this!  What on earth can we do?  He seems to be using his capacity to ruin his life and ours too!   

Parents
  • Former Member
    Former Member

    As Longman says, finding a local NAS group may be useful for you. You may get an picture of how other sufferers present to their families and how they deal with it.

    When I was diagnosed I was told that the impact of the disorder is highly determined by the environment you find yourself in. Fixing the environment may be the key to bringing him out of his shell. 

    It sounds as though your father might have passed the genes to you. :-( He sounds unconventional and perhaps that some of his behaviour is showing up in your son. There must be no blame attached in this situation, we don't choose our genes. There is no benefit in being angry about it. You are naturally concerned for your son but you can't react to that situation by putting pressure or expectations on him that he can't meet. I am a father and I fear for how my children will turn out but I recognise that they have to find things out for themselves. I also recognise that I didn't always respond appropriately to my parents' expectations or the pressure that they applied to me. In hindsight, my mother brought me up whilst my father who had all of the traits, didn't interfere too much so it turned out relatively well. I only had to get a diagnosis when I found myself in a toxic work environment after surviving fairly well in adult life.

    You are reacting to him blanking you. ASD implies poor social skills and he may well avoid eye contact and avoid confrontations and simply avoid you to reduce the discomfort that arises when he finds that, yet again, he fails to do what you hope he will do. I avoid discussions sometimes as I know that I won't be able to defend myself and it feels that I am on the losing side of many arguments. Eye contact can be baffling and gives no benefit to someone with ASD.

    To me, having ASD is not a disease that needs to be treated. Instead it is a factor that I have take into account in lots of situations. It needs a "Zen and the art of being ASD" way of life in which I take control of the things I let myself react to and I control the situations that I expose myself to.

    I have had the consequential mental health problems of depression and anxieties but I got my diagnosis of ASD before I went near the MH system. I have always had a phobia for hospitals and particularly the MH system as I saw that it did no good for my father. They didn't recognise the ASD (it wasn't recognised then) and instead tried to treat with drugs. None of it worked and the resulting continuing depression and issues had a serious impact on his life. Having seen local MH specialists for autism I am now much more comfortable with consulting them if or when the need arises. Getting your son to this point of being able to trust them may be difficult but there are people out there who really can help. Now that I have a diagnosis, I am much less prone to MH issues but it is still stressful living on the "wrong planet".

Reply
  • Former Member
    Former Member

    As Longman says, finding a local NAS group may be useful for you. You may get an picture of how other sufferers present to their families and how they deal with it.

    When I was diagnosed I was told that the impact of the disorder is highly determined by the environment you find yourself in. Fixing the environment may be the key to bringing him out of his shell. 

    It sounds as though your father might have passed the genes to you. :-( He sounds unconventional and perhaps that some of his behaviour is showing up in your son. There must be no blame attached in this situation, we don't choose our genes. There is no benefit in being angry about it. You are naturally concerned for your son but you can't react to that situation by putting pressure or expectations on him that he can't meet. I am a father and I fear for how my children will turn out but I recognise that they have to find things out for themselves. I also recognise that I didn't always respond appropriately to my parents' expectations or the pressure that they applied to me. In hindsight, my mother brought me up whilst my father who had all of the traits, didn't interfere too much so it turned out relatively well. I only had to get a diagnosis when I found myself in a toxic work environment after surviving fairly well in adult life.

    You are reacting to him blanking you. ASD implies poor social skills and he may well avoid eye contact and avoid confrontations and simply avoid you to reduce the discomfort that arises when he finds that, yet again, he fails to do what you hope he will do. I avoid discussions sometimes as I know that I won't be able to defend myself and it feels that I am on the losing side of many arguments. Eye contact can be baffling and gives no benefit to someone with ASD.

    To me, having ASD is not a disease that needs to be treated. Instead it is a factor that I have take into account in lots of situations. It needs a "Zen and the art of being ASD" way of life in which I take control of the things I let myself react to and I control the situations that I expose myself to.

    I have had the consequential mental health problems of depression and anxieties but I got my diagnosis of ASD before I went near the MH system. I have always had a phobia for hospitals and particularly the MH system as I saw that it did no good for my father. They didn't recognise the ASD (it wasn't recognised then) and instead tried to treat with drugs. None of it worked and the resulting continuing depression and issues had a serious impact on his life. Having seen local MH specialists for autism I am now much more comfortable with consulting them if or when the need arises. Getting your son to this point of being able to trust them may be difficult but there are people out there who really can help. Now that I have a diagnosis, I am much less prone to MH issues but it is still stressful living on the "wrong planet".

Children
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