• Replies 1 reply
  • Subscribers 25 subscribers
  • Views 714 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Just venting.....

Cephie

A couple of months ago I did the AQ50 test and scored 34-40 ( I did it several times) and was shocked, then thought 'Well maybe...' then read the personal stories on here and lots of things started clicking onto place. Lots of 'Eureka' moments. Family history, inability to make and keep friends, hold down a job, bullying, continually feeling misunderstood, hated, lonely, passionate enthusiasms which fade into nothing, lifelong refusal to eat meat, favourite colour, age 5, black...... I felt relieved - almost elated. Now I feel really depressed again.

 I visited my GP to discuss getting a diagnosis. He seemed reluctant, since there is no 'cure' anyway, and I did wonder how much difference it would make to my life, knowing. Anyway he gave me a form to self-refer to the local mental health team, and I attended an appointment, but they admitted to having no experience with adult autism, enquired dutifully about my violent of suicidal tendencies ( pretty low level at the moment, don't worry) and informed my GP that they think I should see a psychiatrist.  Although I am pretty depressed, and have been so on and off for most of my life, even as a child, neither antidepressants nor counselling have helped, and I was reluctant to discuss my depression when I don't think that is the root of my problem.  I feel one of the dangers of self diagnosis is that I am now blaming all my problems on 'autism' without really understanding it. I do fit the criteria though - particularly communication and social skills wise ;-(

It would be important to me to have a diagnosis, even a negative diagnosis,  but
I have huge difficulties communicating how I really feel. I am intelligent, and female and manage to function fairly well - in the short term. I think most people view me as a bit dim.  I must confess, without meaning to seem really horrible, that I find a lot of people boring, their mindless chatter and misguided assumptions bore me but I can't be bothered to argue.  When I do most people don't listen, don't hear me, or can't follow me. Its no wonder I don't have any friends, is it?! I don't socialise at all now - I get too antsy - have to leave! This includes a good many medical professionals I have to add. I try to be nice, but its a strain.

I'm a good and fluent writer, (of non-fiction), and thought I might find a home in academia but the bullying and office politics there are if anything even worse. I was quite angry with my GP for sending me on a wild goose chase, but after all - he does not know my life history, and being a well socialised girl of 57 I will repress this and  be nice when I next manage to visit and try to insist on a referral for a diagnosis. He is the gatekeeper after all.

I'm worried I won't be believed. I've spent decades shutting up and bottling up the real me, and even so it slips out. People always say 'she's a wrong 'un' or something similar, eventually. Nobody knows who I really am, and what I really think, and it would take quite some digging to find out. What if the psychiatrist is a daft as the counsellor? I really don't want to be discussing why I attempted suicide 44 years ago.

So.. I haven't been out of the house for 3 days, I can't get into work - I'm self employed - when I'm at work I'm desperate to get out, home, back to my PC games and bed. Things seem to have all come to a head. I've been trying to write a lucid  post here for days - this is the best I can do at the moment. I just want to communicate really. I'll get back to my GP soon and settle down for a long wait, i gather. Thanks for reading this far - if anyone did ;-)

  • Hi Cephie. I'm glad I read to the end. Everything you are saying, I could have said a year ago. Since then, I have had a formal diagnosis and begun the journey to me - it's made a huge difference in knowing who I am, and where my community is.

    I'll say straight away that I give all of my thanks to my GP, and her wanting to help me.

    I know how hard it is to tell your GP, I always had the same trouble, but if you can tell him what you're telling us, then he should also know that there is a requirement to have a diagnostic service in place and how to refer you to it.

    I can hear what you're saying right now about how you feel, and I'm sorry to hear it. It's something we all experience, in different ways and to different degrees. I'm in a similar one myself right now, but thankfuly, because of this community, I know I'm not alone in any way.

    The things you say are indicative of ASD, but as you very rightly say, even having it eliminated can be a help too. From what you say, you need a formal diagnosis whatever the outcome, and I agree. Hopefuly, you've already written some things down and shown them to your GP, as well as your AQ score, so I must encourage you to press the issue with him. It might even be helpful if there's another GP at the practice you can see. Anyone is entitled to ask for a second opinion.

    Good luck.