Hi
I could do with some advice please.
My son has been having some problems at nursery. He is just 3. After seeing a health visitor they are recommending a pediatrician referral. From what the health visitor said I think she is suggesting it might be autism.
I am quite confused as from what I have read about autism I don't feel this is the right thing. I am not someone to see everything through rose tinted glasses but I feel I need some advice from people who know more than I do about this.
I will give you some background (sorry this will be long)
when my son was 22 months old he was due to move to the next room at nursery, however, there was not enough room for him to move up yet, he was the eldest in the room, every other child was fresh out of the baby room. We were told that he didn't always listen or want to join in with the baby games but sometimes he did listen and that he just didn't seem himself, so they thought he might have hearing problems. The doctor told us he was just a regular toddler who doesn't always want to do what people say. He went on a few visits to the next room and it was a completely different story, he got very involved, listened very well and had really good days the nursey worker in the new room said she thought he was bored in the younger class.
He moved up and everything was great, then we had the same thing again when he was due to move to the next class he stopped wanting to join in and didn't seem himself again, this time they said it was hearing or speech potentially. when he moved up again he was great. Taking part they were really please with him again. They then wrote us a play plan saying he doesn't use more than 1 word in a sentence and he doesn't understand things like "go get your coat". I was very shocked. He is completely different at home at the time (about 6 months ago) he could string together 3-4 word sentence. He understood things like "go get your coats" even "go get me a tissue and I will wipe your nose" At home it seems he would just say no if he didn't want to do something and at nursery he just ignores them and so they think he doesn't understand.
At home we noticed before this that if he can get away with just saying Milk and getting milk he will I think we had gotten a bit lazy and started talking for him. So we started encouraging him to ask for things properly "more milk please mummy" and he does now. I don't know what they are doing at nursery because they keep telling me he only uses a few words because he can't understand. They have now said he can say two words like "more milk" but again at home his words have come along even more. I realised lately that I have been talking at him more than to him and so he has responded well and started to be more conversational with us. Saying things like "come on daddy, you sit there" and points to the chair.
So the they said we sould refer to the health visitor which we did. She came to our house to see him and ask us questions. He fell asleep for the entire time as he was due a nap and had woken up with the light mornings at 5 (black out blinds now!)
she said it didn't matter too much and asked me lots of questions which I answered. She said there was no problem with his hearing as we let him watch one cartoon show (now 2 shows) and he picks up complicated words from that show so couldn't be lip reading. I said my main concern was tantrums when he has to share and he doesn't like being told no to things like chocolate, more tv, usual kid stuff. She gave me some fact sheets on dealing with tantrums in a calm way, ignoring them and then when they calm down explaining calmly that you understand they are sad/angry etc. This has worked wonders for me. he calms down because he isn't getting the attention and isn't making a big deal out of being told no as much as he used to. It has only been two weeks so still having some tantrums. usually if he is very tired.
The main thing I didn't like with his tantrums is that he would sometimes hit himself. Now to give a bit of back story when he was younger I tried a little tap on his hand when he was naughty, some of my friends would do that and so I gave it a try as a way or stopping him from doing something he shouldn't. I stopped this because I told him off when he was naughty one day and he hit his own hand, copying what I had done. i was heartbroken that instead of it being a tool to show him what he had done wrong I had just taught him to hit himself when I told him off. I overreacted because I felt so bad for that so I think I covered him in kisses and gave him lots of hugs and told him I loved him and I was sorry. I think I even cried. He stopped doing it after I instead learned to not react to him doing it but it came back at some point I think again) and again I overreacted gave him lots of attention for I felt so guilty. He would only do it if we were looking at him. I tried to ignore it but I felt so guilty that I started this. I just ended up going over the top with cuddles and trying to make him feel better. With the advice from the booklet the health visitor I have learned that ignoring it is best and he has stopped doing it as much. I have started explain to him that hitting won't get him what he wants and asking with words will. It has reduced and at most when he does it it is a half hearted tap which he stops when ignored.
So onto his nursery visit. She was there for 1.5 hours, she said she observed him, spoke to all his old key workers and the manager. Her concerns were that when he is told to stop playing with what he is playing with he gets upset and sometimes hits himself. She said it is because he can't cope with transitions/change. She said that apparently he doesn't like cuddles anymore, and when he is doing something he really enjoys like playing with dinosaurs he doesn't care what the other kids are doing. She also said because it started arounnd aged two she is concerned. And that he doesn't really play with his best freind much anymore (we see him outside nursery too) This is why I think she is hiinting at it being something like autism
This is where I am confused. Could he be so different at home and it still be autism? At home he is a happy child who loves making jokes with us, he loves cuddles and being covered in kisses, tickled, he maintains good eye contact, points at things, knows what our tones and facial expressions are and had good tone and facial expressions himself. He plays well with his toys and has good imaginations. He really loves dinosaurs we have books for him on them and he knows about 40 of them now. He loves spending time with his all of grandparents and gets excited to see them or when we go to his friends. I was told a while ago that his best friend at nursery had stopped playing with our son as much because our son wasn't mischevious enough for him as he was in a naughty phase so I am unsure why this is being used as a reason for there being something up with our little boy. He also usually cuddles the key workers as soon as we go in and if he is tired/upset or unwell he is always wanting cuddles of them. She also says he wants to have his shoes and socks off at nursery like it was an issue, we have never had that issue. we generally don't wear shoes in the house but if we leave them on they stay on. He knows now to kick them off when getting on furniture though. He only takes his sock off sometimes when he wants to play sock puppets
Up until a couple of weeks ago when we started dealing with his tantrums better he would cry going to nursery. this has been going on for months. We have to bribe him with a toy or a snack to get him to go. It was a nightmare. we would spend half an hour convincing him that nursery was where he wanted to go and in the end just give up and take him. It made me think that maybe he just isn't happy there. Not once have they suggested that his tantrums may just be tantrums and dealt with it that way. part of me thinks he just gets bored and stops getting involved. At home we have no problem getting him to do a new activity or tidy up, because all the activities are things he enjoys. We are quite spontaneous so we don't have a routine at home and decided things last minute. We also moved him to a new bedroom which was smaller and decorated very differently with no issue. We have taken him to busy places and noisy sporting events and he loves them. He also likes meeting new people and is a bit of a flirt batting his eyelids at my friends. AT bed time out of tiredness I just lie next to him until he falls asleep, because I used to let him he would play with my hair or ears and want me to cuddle him for bed. His dad has always been better at not letting him play with ears. I sometimes just relent because I am tired. So he now has me who is down to just holding his hand (big improvement) and his dad who he falls asleep next to without touching. Again I think he gets away with what he can with who he can.
Am I just fooling myself? This is what I need to know. The little boy I see is a very intelligent happy interactive boy who knows who he can get his own way with loves playing silly games and loves dinosaurs but like any 3 year old can have tantrums. Can he be this different at home and nursery and still potentially have autism? I feel the health visitor has dismissed everything I said about him at home and is just going on how he is at nursey. I am worried that it is something else, there is something he was not happy with at nursery that is getting overlooked. But maybe I am wrong
I am sorry this post is so long. I just feel a bit hopeless at the moment
