Hi everyone, bit of background first. I'm male, 34 married with 2 kids living in Scotland. I am currently awaiting an appointment with what my gp described as psych services, although not necessarily specifically for autism. I went asking for a referral as I feel I am aspergic and for my own sanity I would like a proper diagnosis. There was no issue with making a referral, but I hope I don't end up somewhere generic and get fobbed off. I have no idea how long the waiting list is (although I'm going to chase it come Monday to make sure I'm headed in the right direction). Below is a list (sorry for the length) that I have been building of my experiences and why I think I am on the spectrum. I would value your opinions on this and whether or not it is a worthwhile thing to take with me when I eventually get to see someone. And also I suppose if you think from reading that that I may indeed be on the spectrum.
Anyway, as well as that, I am finding things quite difficult at the moment and just need somewhere to release. As well as the list below, I fear that through the anxiety that all of this has caused, I am suffering from depression. I look after my 2 kids full time and therefore in order to do the best for them, our days need to be quite social. This is pushing me as far as I can go and now that I am really aware of how I function, it is making it even harder. I am worried I'm going to crack and break down.
How do I go about giving my kids the best experiences during the day when I feel so bad inside? My 3 year old has already commented that I don't play as much as I used to. That really cuts.
My wife knows how I feel, to a degree, but she is working so very hard to support us that I do not want to burden her any more and worry her any more than she already is. I need to be able to deal with this.
Here's the list by the way:
Get very stressed in noisy/busy environments/get disorientated and need to escape
Get quite unsettled by certain textures. There used to be woodworm on my parents floor and I used to pick at it until it was smooth as it upset me the way it was. I still feel uncomfortable with certain textures like the pips inside a melon but I can control it better. I also used to struggle with many meals as a child as I didn't like how they felt in my mouth.
When on holiday as a child I used to go out for hours on my own looking for lizards while all the other kids on the campsites used to be playing together and getting involved in the activities. I tried this but found I just stood there not knowing what to do or how to join in.
Find parties/gatherings overpowering and exhausting
Feel stupid
Always on fringe of friend group
Friends always had better understanding of world and unspoken social rules. I used to say the wrong things or misunderstand what was going on. This has not changed.
Didn't understand the point of puzzle games
Loved animals far more than being around people.
Always made silly mistakes at school but was still told I needed to go to a special school when at primary school due to my higher abilities. Once I understood a pattern or concept I just fired through whatever the task was. Worked so fast that I didn't spot mistakes
No good at sports
Didn't understand sports, especially team ones.
Got very upset by smells in buildings - ruined many holidays that involved old historic buildings
Can't use glass lifts or open escalators (fully enclosed ones are fine) - feels like someone kicks me in the side of the head and I lose balance. Not a fear of falling.
Struggled with friends at secondary school - found sitting on my own in corridors easier. Eventually found a group I was accepted into, but always felt like an add-on. I was not required for the group to function. Was unable to communicate in one on one with any of them, bar one.
Regularly bullied at secondary, uni and at work
Never managed to make conversation so found groups easier where I could listen rather than contribute
Never seemed to have a grasp on what others took for granted, school courses, uni, how to act around other people
Loved Lego but couldn't see past instructions to make other models
Found a love of computers - order and clarity appealed to me. Also allowed me to speak and interact with people by helping them with IT problems
Found a job in IT after leaving university early after struggling with course and alcohol and to a lesser degree drugs.
Struggled to get past a certain point in my learning. Am finding this very limiting.
Can't get meaning from text books - after a couple of paragraphs the words begin to merge and not make sense. Even topics I am familiar with often don't make sense when reading about them. I manged to get 1 BSc and 1 post grad without reading any books.
Couldn't make relationships at work. Always odd one out, always laughed at for saying the wrong thing. Ended up avoiding all work social events. Used to ensure I never said what I was thinking which became exhausting trying to fit in or be excluded.
Spent 12 years at work feeling like the odd one out and always feeling like I was saying stupid things, so stopped being honest and avoided joining in.
Outside of work couldn't make friends on my own. Always became friendly with people via my wife. Still notice friendships progressing within groups and leaving me behind. I develop a dependence on one key person and use them as a translator for the rest of the group. That person then progresses with other friends and that makes me feel angry and rejected. This is a cycle I can now see going right back to my childhood.
Finding it increasingly hard to instigate play with my children.
Get very very angry at people who break rules - dog mess, litter, rude parking. Cant distinguish between that and very serious crime.
Always feel different
Always feel as though I've failed to make conversation or said the wrong thing. This can ruin an entire day. After any social event, even just seeing friends, I am exhausted.
Often have to say things I don't believe in order to keep a conversation going if it does gain any momentum. As soon as my own views or interests come out, the conversation dies.
Find noisy places very difficult as I cant concentrate on anything, except for live music gigs, strangely.
Bad short term memory.
Often misjudge peoples mood and ask if something is wrong when it isn't.
Hot drinks undrinkable - painful
Same with cold drinks. Need to wait for them to cool down or warm up. Others have often finished as I'm just starting.
Wear sunglasses much more than others to avoid headaches and confusing vision in even slightly bright light. Have had eyes tested and no physical issues.
Conversation hard as I interrupt or wait too long. Phone calls even harder. Always keep them to a minimum length. As if brain way ahead and already decided what to say next regardless of what person then says
Can't see subtexts in novels or tell what someone's agenda is when others seem to do this all the time
Despite finding interacting socially difficult, I find being on my own very difficult. There is too much "noise" in my head for me to truly relax and my anxiety levels often rocket.
Pick up a hobby, go so far with it after it has consumed everything then go on to something else. Unable to share these with people though as the level of detail that interests me tends to turn people off.
Often bump into things and can't navigate passing people in busy rooms
Often make a bad job of something because I don't notice I've missed something until after I've started something else. Even though I then spot the thing I've missed I find it very hard to go and sort it. This can even be walking past something on the floor after clearing up at home.
When in a group with our children, if something is spilled I rarely think to get something to wipe it up. Only after I realise that is what others are doing do I try and remind myself to watch for this and be the first to do it for the rest of the day. I can then be over eager to perform what I think is expected of me. I can no longer tell how much of what I do each day is based on that pressure.
Due to all this I have lost any confidence I had in my abilities to learn new things or operate in any social situation. Once my children go to school I will need to find a job and fear I will be unable to do anything
