Or, fear of being sick as it's more commonly known.
I know I'm quite good at writing essays on here but this is something I feel I need to be more open about to get help.
I was at the hospital recently and I was just told by a doctor to eat more red meat and get my anxieties sorted in regards to food. Simple as that is it? I've been scared of being sick (vomiting) from as long as I can remember. Being a toddler, being sick is some of my first memories. You don't know when it's going to happen, and don't know how many times, and you don't know if everytime you feel sick that you're going to be sick, and of course with stomach acid problems and colic growing up I felt sick a lot, which put me on edge all the time and it's stopped me from doing a lot of things in my life, because I'm so afraid it's going to make me sick. I can't deal with the uncertainty and it's made me have a few panic attacks. And of course panic attacks can make you feel sick. I'm constantly going round in circles.
The problem is the NHS in my area can't seem to differentiate between anxiety and autism, in the way where they are trying to get rid of the anxiety so I can eat foods (my diet of 'safe foods' has backfired as I'm having to take iron tablets now, which annoyingly make you feel sick as well) which are good for me. Just want to put me on tablets to help with the anxiety. But how can I get across to them that anxiety is a way of life for me. I've never had a day off from it and probably never will, I just need some help to change my way of thinking. I've tried to eat differently and try new foods but it's a major change to my routine and it's not something I'm used to. I have no idea what will happen if I eat a food I've never had before. Also, when I'm out in restaurants I only have 'safe' foods, which is normally some sort of soup, which I find very boring sometimes. I also can't swallow food so I either chew the food in my mouth until it's obliterated or I have to spit it out, which means I hate eating in a meal scenario because I'll either take forever or I have to spit out my food.
This frame of mind has run my entire life. It chooses where I eat, where I go on holiday, how long I stay at a party, how much alcohol I consume, where I work... Part of my previous job was to move around different businesses helping them out with IT support but in one place it was about 20 minutes outside the city. Even though they offered a free bus service I felt trapped when I was there. I have so many coping mechanisms to deal with this that when I can't use them I panic. I ended up having to pay fuel to drive there most days because I feel like I couldn't escape to somewhere in case I was sick. I don't have more than 1-2 drinks in case I'm sick. I don't go to theme parks in case I'm sick (don't like the crowds but at least I'd like to have the option!). I can't sleep until a certain time at night because one of the worst fears is waking up in the night and being sick (happened once when I was 8 years old at 2am, and for years after that point I couldn't sleep until 2am). I won't eat meat in the restaurant in case I'm sick, also won't eat seafood. Won't eat a lot when on holiday because it's different food and different places so I either don't eat or spend days panicking. I spent 3 days of a two week holiday in Lanzarote in my room because I was just far too anxious.
Luckily my partner is really supportive. When on holiday he was just happy chilling out on the balcony drinking beer in the sun. He's happy as long as I'm happy and sometimes I feel on't deserve that. he as to put up with my anxiety all the time, I don't know how he does it.
Other than trying to actually live my life, the reason I'm brining this up now is because my Mum is getting married in Malta next year. We are all going there for two weeks and the last thing I want to do is ruin my Mums wedding because of my anxieties. I want to be able to sit down and have one meal with my family. My Mum says I can spend the 2 weeks doing whatever made me most comfortable, but I just want to be able to do that one thing for her.
I'm so ashamed, I've spent years trying to cover it up, but I'm really suffering. I don't seem to explain it well when I'm at the doctors and I've been struggling to get psychology help for over a year now (it's still ongoing). It's ok if no one replies to this, I just really needed to take the first step and open up about it in a place I felt comfortable, which seems to be here. I might print this off and show it to my doctor, because then at least I could explain it better.
@Longman, that's interesting, I do exactly the same thing. If I feel ill I will just sit and not move and want to be left alone until what ever is making me feel ill subsides.
Also, I've tried many diets, I seen dieticians from when I was young, but it hasn't made much difference. I'm on omeprazole, but I have noticed that I feel worse if I eat strong onions or really fatty foods, so I try to stay away from that. The other problem is I will only eat what I see as 'safe foods' and a lot of these foods on these diets aren't on my 'safe' list, so I've end up not eating a lot. I need help with that.
My appointment is next week now. Since I started this post I've realised that some of the sickness fear is probably related a bit to PTSD, possibly, because I remember having gastroenteritus when I was about 8 years old and I could not stop being sick. I remember crying to my Mum asking her, when will it stop. It also disrupts my routine, I can't tell when it's going to happen, how many times, it's just all too confusing and unnerving for me to deal with. I remember once, when I was about 4/5 years old, being sick in the car whilst waiting at the doctors for my brother (he's on the spectrum and his clumsiness got the better of him and he landed on a barbed wire fence) and my mum's then boyfriend's mum, if that makes sense, tried to catch it all. Not long after that she became very ill with kidney and liver failure and died. For years I thought I'd killed her!
Actually just thinking about sick and typing about it is setting off my panic feelings....