Burnout

I was in a severely burntout state for over 5 years- I even had to take time off work and it ended up taking a physical toll (weight loss) at times. Even when I was off work the rest didn’t seem to really make much of a difference- I thought it wasn’t helping. I didn’t know I was autistic for quite some time. Mental health professionals’s advice actually hindered my recovery thinking back because you often get labelled as depressed and are advice to push through and do more activities etc which for me was exactly the opposite of what I needed. I have recently started recovering and feel alive and mentally alert for first time in years. I hit a very low low before and also had bad luck with my studies (lab closed had to find new PhD) etc and I ended up moving abroad (not ideal) to work with someone who understood that I was not in a good state but who knew me from before and who said she still wanted to take me as their student and give me the space and time to adjust and get back on my feet. I don’t know what changed- maybe I felt safer for first time and actually allowed myself to rest and not work so much prioritise sleep even if it means working at unconventional hours etc. I started having short periods, initially 10 min or so but over time sometimes longer where I felt alive and mentally alert for first time in years and when I started feeling like that it also made me able to enjoy things again. However what I have realised is that to avoid sinking deeper into burnout again and continuing to recover I need to change how I work and live my life and take better care of myself- it is very frustrating but now that I know it can be different there is no way I want to go back to that miserable burntout existence where I was merely a zombie like shell working and working - thinking back I feel like I was like a hamster on a wheel - exhausted but just running and running not getting anywhere but exhausting myself more- occasionally I would drop off from exhaustion only to get back onto the wheel as soon as I could somehow get up again and the cycle continued. The scary thing is that with more clarity I have realised that actually I am not sure my work is suited for me and what I like and may have been contributing to burnout (specifically the labwork) - this is a scary place to be but I would not have been able to see this in my burntout state ironically- I was not able to think clearly or get perspective- I was just in survival mode. Sorry this is a lot on my own experience but what I am trying to say is that 1) you can recover from burnout but it likely takes time and it will take a lot a lot of rest (or depending on how burnout you are maybe engaging in recharging activities can help if you have energy- but I sadly was too burntout and I actually needed to stop pushing myself to do things- I hate doing nothing but I did need that sometimes) and changes to how you approach things in life. Not sure if any of this is helpful or if you can relate to some of this. I really hope you find a way forward- it is so hard because it takes such a long time to recover from burnout so it makes it really hard to know if what you are doing is actually helping but I would say trusting your instincts is not a bad thing. I’m one year in from where I started recovering and I’m not fully restored but I am so much more alive than I have been in 5 years. Don’t give up hope that it can be better because it can,. 

I was in a severely burntout state for over 5 years- I even had to take time off work and it ended up taking a physical toll (weight loss) at times. Even when I was off work the rest didn’t seem to really make much of a difference- I thought it wasn’t helping. I didn’t know I was autistic for quite some time. Mental health professionals’s advice actually hindered my recovery thinking back because you often get labelled as depressed and are advice to push through and do more activities etc which for me was exactly the opposite of what I needed. I have recently started recovering and feel alive and mentally alert for first time in years. I hit a very low low before and also had bad luck with my studies (lab closed had to find new PhD) etc and I ended up moving abroad (not ideal) to work with someone who understood that I was not in a good state but who knew me from before and who said she still wanted to take me as their student and give me the space and time to adjust and get back on my feet. I don’t know what changed- maybe I felt safer for first time and actually allowed myself to rest and not work so much prioritise sleep even if it means working at unconventional hours etc. I started having short periods, initially 10 min or so but over time sometimes longer where I felt alive and mentally alert for first time in years and when I started feeling like that it also made me able to enjoy things again. However what I have realised is that to avoid sinking deeper into burnout again and continuing to recover I need to change how I work and live my life and take better care of myself- it is very frustrating but now that I know it can be different there is no way I want to go back to that miserable burntout existence where I was merely a zombie like shell working and working - thinking back I feel like I was like a hamster on a wheel - exhausted but just running and running not getting anywhere but exhausting myself more- occasionally I would drop off from exhaustion only to get back onto the wheel as soon as I could somehow get up again and the cycle continued. The scary thing is that with more clarity I have realised that actually I am not sure my work is suited for me and what I like and may have been contributing to burnout (specifically the labwork) - this is a scary place to be but I would not have been able to see this in my burntout state ironically- I was not able to think clearly or get perspective- I was just in survival mode. Sorry this is a lot on my own experience but what I am trying to say is that 1) you can recover from burnout but it likely takes time and it will take a lot a lot of rest (or depending on how burnout you are maybe engaging in recharging activities can help if you have energy- but I sadly was too burntout and I actually needed to stop pushing myself to do things- I hate doing nothing but I did need that sometimes) and changes to how you approach things in life. Not sure if any of this is helpful or if you can relate to some of this. I really hope you find a way forward- it is so hard because it takes such a long time to recover from burnout so it makes it really hard to know if what you are doing is actually helping but I would say trusting your instincts is not a bad thing. I’m one year in from where I started recovering and I’m not fully restored but I am so much more alive than I have been in 5 years. Don’t give up hope that it can be better because it can,.