• Replies 7 replies
  • Subscribers 29 subscribers
  • Views 315 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Recent family party (at the in-laws) - how to deal with the overwhelm?

MarcoPolo

I recently attended a party with my girlfriends family. It was a 2 night weekend away, all staying in the same large house.
About 15 people in total. I have only met them each once before. I'm introverted.

I did fairly well at the start but the second day didn't go so well. I had massive anxiety and was hugely over-whelmed by the over-sensory noise chaos and also trying so hard not to stand out and to look good in front of my partners family; to remain positive and smiley to each person that spoke to me.

A lot of the time I felt like I stood out like a sore thumb because I don't have the ability to just walk up to a group of people and speak. As usual at a party I found the easiest thing for me to do was be useful so I spent a lot of time clearing up things when it seemed appropriate! (washing up, cleaning down the table etc). 

It was extremely exhaustive to keep up that mask and when it came to bed time I couldn't sleep. I mean I really couldn't. I went to be at 11 and managed to only get 1 hour of sleep between 4 and 5am! The next morning I kept the mask up naturally and with ease, probably because I knew it was the last day and i was about to drive home soon!

Anyway, that's all normal. But something I later discovered something on the drive home . I wasn't going to say any of this to my partner as didnt want to ruin her family weekend but she said when i spoke with her over the weekend all I did was moan or be negative, but only to her. I didn't realise I was that bad. I can only think that I was fighting with myself so hard to be positive and not show my anxieties, stress and over-sensory self to others that I let it all the negativity out on her as I treated her as my safe space. I'm no psychologist but this feels like the right conclusion.

Of course I didn't like that I was perhaps mean to her and want to find I way to deal with my issues. Would it help me if I were to seek so kind of mini escape? find another safe space? I think fitness helps me, maybe if I could just find a place to do a pull-up, press ups, or some stretching?

Wondering if anyone has has found a way to deal with these overwhelming conditions. I think Id feel even worse if I didn't support my partner by not attending.

Thank you






Parents

  • You might just be best of with being kinder to yourself and admit that these situations aren’t comfortable and that there’s nothing wrong with that. You can’t help the way you feel or the way you interact with the world in terms of your natural ways of being. The problems arise when we are expected to perform or be someone for others and that’s not all that healthy long term. I wouldn’t even attend an event like that so well done anyway for making the effort. I would also keep busy by cleaning up the place just to ease that feeling of being a spare part socially and hoping to blend in as if I’m not bothered by being there. Also giving yourself a job helps to kill time, the time you are hoping is brutally murdered so you can get the situation over and out the way. If you don’t mind doing these family gatherings sometimes then that’s great but if this becomes something you obsess about even before it happens or you genuinely find yourself extremely anxious then put number one first.

  • in reply to Autismman

    Wow. Thanks that's an amazing insight and so accurate. 

    I did tell my partner it would be really hard for me but i know it was so important to her and so i decided to go.

    The bit about time and anxiety, you are spot on. They had a karaoke in the plans for that evening so I'd been waiting with anxiety for that moment, and not just that evening but for at least a month before hand  i was literally filled with dread at the thought of it and clock watching all night. When they decided it was too late to start the karaoke i had to control my joy! The next morning i was so much more relaxed with everyone. Probably because it was over and i knew we'd all soon be leaving to go home.

    You are so close to my feelings on this that maybe you can help with something else. The part i don't understand is that i thought when i went to bed id  have a relieved sleep but i was awake all night, my brain spinning a thousand thoughts a second. I think it was analysing the situation as when going to bed i realised my partner might be upset with me (as you've probably guessed, I'm not the best at reading between the lines). 

    Anyway, that being awake all night was a surprise to me. Was my brain maybe still processing the whole event?

    .At best, I've learned a lot from this and I'll treat my partner with more thoughtful respect and myself too. Thank you. 

  • in reply to MarcoPolo

    I always used to analyse everything. Every comment or interaction where something did not go quite as I expected.

    It was part of masking and a way to fit in and make things work. It was best when lying in bed as there were no other distractions. But of course it makes you tired.

    Drinking (alcohol) could help me get to sleep, but was not the optimum coping strategy.

    This was all long before I knew I was different.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    I thinK when you want to fit in, succeed socially and pass off as capable like everyone else seems around you, you can over analyse because you want to seem almost perfect and without fault. Remembering the facial expressions of others or their reactions to things you said leaves you wondering if you did succeed. Not sure if paranoia is the right term because it’s not psychosis in any form this way of thinking. I could say I am introverted but I am also an autistic person who doesn’t like meeting new people or socialising in groups because it brings me no joy. A chicken or the egg scenario really. 

Reply
  • in reply to Stuart333

    I thinK when you want to fit in, succeed socially and pass off as capable like everyone else seems around you, you can over analyse because you want to seem almost perfect and without fault. Remembering the facial expressions of others or their reactions to things you said leaves you wondering if you did succeed. Not sure if paranoia is the right term because it’s not psychosis in any form this way of thinking. I could say I am introverted but I am also an autistic person who doesn’t like meeting new people or socialising in groups because it brings me no joy. A chicken or the egg scenario really. 

Children
No Data