I recently attended a party with my girlfriends family. It was a 2 night weekend away, all staying in the same large house.
About 15 people in total. I have only met them each once before. I'm introverted.
I did fairly well at the start but the second day didn't go so well. I had massive anxiety and was hugely over-whelmed by the over-sensory noise chaos and also trying so hard not to stand out and to look good in front of my partners family; to remain positive and smiley to each person that spoke to me.
A lot of the time I felt like I stood out like a sore thumb because I don't have the ability to just walk up to a group of people and speak. As usual at a party I found the easiest thing for me to do was be useful so I spent a lot of time clearing up things when it seemed appropriate! (washing up, cleaning down the table etc).
It was extremely exhaustive to keep up that mask and when it came to bed time I couldn't sleep. I mean I really couldn't. I went to be at 11 and managed to only get 1 hour of sleep between 4 and 5am! The next morning I kept the mask up naturally and with ease, probably because I knew it was the last day and i was about to drive home soon!
Anyway, that's all normal. But something I later discovered something on the drive home . I wasn't going to say any of this to my partner as didnt want to ruin her family weekend but she said when i spoke with her over the weekend all I did was moan or be negative, but only to her. I didn't realise I was that bad. I can only think that I was fighting with myself so hard to be positive and not show my anxieties, stress and over-sensory self to others that I let it all the negativity out on her as I treated her as my safe space. I'm no psychologist but this feels like the right conclusion.
Of course I didn't like that I was perhaps mean to her and want to find I way to deal with my issues. Would it help me if I were to seek so kind of mini escape? find another safe space? I think fitness helps me, maybe if I could just find a place to do a pull-up, press ups, or some stretching?
Wondering if anyone has has found a way to deal with these overwhelming conditions. I think Id feel even worse if I didn't support my partner by not attending.
Thank you
