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End of life cancer diagnosis for elderly parent

Casyellow

Hello, I'm new and this is my first post. I'm 43 and was diagnosed as autistic 3 months ago. I've not told my extended family yet as they are not fully onboard with neuro divergent brains as a concept. My dad has been diagnosed with end of life cancer. My sister in law set up a group chat to update the family. I live 6 hours away from my extended family. I have been told to stop asking questions on the group chat as it is upsetting people. I tried to ring Macmillan but can't get through. I wondered if anyone had a similar experience and how you navigate it all? I'm not very emotional and want the facts but I also want to support my dad mentally as he is now processing he is end of life. But I keep saying the wrong things. I feel like I need a list of rules! Thanks 

Parents

  • When my Grandad was nearing the end of his life he agreed to a DNACPR form and it caused a real rift. Some family members were too upset to accept it, some were supportive of his wishes but still upset (and trying to hide it) when he talked about it . He really appreciated that he could talk to me openly about it (I work in a hospital in a clinical role and he was frail with multiple illnesses) People do deal with this sort of thing very differently, especially if it is sudden/surprise diagnosis/prognosis. Some people will bury their heads about it but others will need facts and discussion to help understand what is going on (like yourself) and those two ways of dealing do usually clash unfortunately. Have you tried reaching out to just one person to get the details or ask questions? Maybe you could privately message your Dad and ask if he wants to talk about it if you haven’t already? 

Reply

  • When my Grandad was nearing the end of his life he agreed to a DNACPR form and it caused a real rift. Some family members were too upset to accept it, some were supportive of his wishes but still upset (and trying to hide it) when he talked about it . He really appreciated that he could talk to me openly about it (I work in a hospital in a clinical role and he was frail with multiple illnesses) People do deal with this sort of thing very differently, especially if it is sudden/surprise diagnosis/prognosis. Some people will bury their heads about it but others will need facts and discussion to help understand what is going on (like yourself) and those two ways of dealing do usually clash unfortunately. Have you tried reaching out to just one person to get the details or ask questions? Maybe you could privately message your Dad and ask if he wants to talk about it if you haven’t already? 

Children
  • in reply to GuybrushThreepwood

    Thank you, I think my dad is in the early stages of processing what is happening but he did broach with me that it is the end so I'm hoping he can continue to talk openly to me. My younger sister has been good to talk to today, I think it is as you say, there are multiple family members and they all process things differently. I think I tend to get the rebuttal as I 'over share' in their opinion.