Problems at work

NAS95703 said:

One shift, I asked my boss if I could go home early (I had about 3 hours left of my shift and had powered through the most of it) because I had a bad headache.

You mention headaches a few times here - do you medicate for them? I used to get them quite a lot through stress (I was a manager so had pressure from both my team and managers not to mention the customers we supported).

I used to keep a supply of paracetemol and ibuprofen in my desk and travel case so I could take one of each if it got bad.

Most of my working life was without any tolerance for weakeness like this and about the only thing that would get you sent home was throwing up so medication was a survival mechanism.

Looking at this situation from your managements point of view I suspect they are already planning your exit and will continue to put you in situations to make you fail until you either leave or do something that will get you sacked. I've seen it too many times unfortunately.

I would start looking elsewhere now and use your commute to start building your skill set for something you want to do in future.

The only organisation I encountered that offered coaching or mentoring was the Civil Service but the pay was pretty poor - you may find this a more confortable option for the future as they tend to be more unsdersanding.

There is a lot of competition for the roles which is why I suggested developing your skills now.

Thank you all so much for your replies and so sorry to hear that many of you have also had these experiences, it's so upsetting that employers are like this when it takes very little effort from them to be accomodating.

I have been keeping a diary for a while and have many incidents logged. Some I have brought up with my boss or HR in the past but have been ignored. One time when I went to HR about my boss and his behaviour, he shouted at me again and told me that he couldn't work with me like this and since then I have felt anxious about bringing anything else up because my job doesn't feel secure. HR's repsonses are nothing short of gaslighting too. I am often told that my boss is a 'people pleaser' and that is why he behaves the way he does. 

Another point I forgot to make in my original post was that I was told by the head of HR that I am not allowed to take my breaks at the same time any more - I have taken my breaks at the same time since I started this job and been told my my boss that it is fine to do so. These breaks mean I finish late and have a 1.5 hour commute home so by the time I get back, I am exhausted. I don't know why the head of HR has anything to do with when I take my break when my boss who I report to has said it's ok?

The Autism at Work programme has now closed unfortunately. I was given a list of resources to work with but so far nothing has been as valuable to me than the support I got from Autism at Work. So far, I have drafted a letter asking for some reasonable adjustments which are to be given 48 hours notice before any meetings or informal chats so that I can prepare or, if neccessary, have someone to support my communication needs. Also, I have asked for clear guidance on tasks that need improving other than a vague 'be proactive' as I am unsure how to interpret this. 

I have also looked into the grant from the government Access to Work - I am not sure if anyone here has used this but I think it would be useful to fund a job coach and a workplace assessment. They also offer 9 months of mental health support which I think would be useful for me because going to work makes me so very anxious.

Hello there - this sounds like a stressful environment so I can totally see how it’s causing you anxiety  

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through at work. 

I suggest following the NAS's advice here about recording your experiences:

What should I do if I think that I'm being bullied?

The article also includes links to related websites / further sources of advice.

I work for a corporation, and I can speak from this perspective.

First, your experience is real. You are genuine and real, and you are ok to feel. These are things I wish someone spoke to me when I ran into issues similarly at work.

Now to the HR piece, something to think about is HR is not there for you, not really. HR is there to protect the company, protect the legality of situations, and keep the people in compliance with company policy. I know that is a bleak outlook, but I believe it to be true. One idea I have and advice from someone not in your situation (so modify and apply it to yours as it benefits you) is use this to your advantage. Go to HR and explain your situation to them and explain the legal situation in which your boss has put them.

Script out, in your head or in writing, what you will say to HR. Exactly how you have detailed it here, explain to HR that your boss has disclosed personal medical information to other employees, and you can ensure that this is against company policy (it should be). Explain how productive you ARE and explain how you have put all this information on your profile. 

This is scary. This is not something benign, and what your boss is doing and what HR is doing is not right. If you feel you cannot do this yourself, you can find someone you trust to advocate for you. Either way, I would advise going to HR and making the entire situation known. The only story that HR knows is the story that your boss has told them. They do not know your story if you do not tell them.

There is a real possibility that HR will not comply, or your boss will not comply. From there, you will be left with choices for yourself. You can investigate legal action, you can look to find another job, or you can choose to continue where you are and know what you are putting yourself through. The thing that will change is that going through this process, even if just in your head, you are making the conscious choice for your life. This can be all the difference. You take control of your life and your experience. Do not let anyone tell you your experience is not real or, as I have read just today in a book, that you are an unreliable narrator of your own experience.

I have been through something similar. It did not play out this way, as the boss went to HR when I became overwhelmed and "lost my temper" on him. The next thing I knew I was in the office of an HR representative, and crying in his office when he cared and tried to find the underlying cause of things, saying to me "It sounds like you feel like you are not valued." I could not stop crying. I was lucky, and things got better for me after that. Shortly after though, that HR representative left the company. Coincidence? I cannot tell you...

I hope you find your truth, comfort in people you trust, and resolution to your issue.

P.S. Regarding what others have mentioned, the one thing I am repeatedly told is document everything, write it down, evidence. I started emailing myself notes, which document a date and time along with the circumstances. I was thanked many times when this documentation became needed as evidence of a situation.

When I've experienced this kind of thing at work (several times), I've learned that most of their behaviour is projecting themselves onto what they see of your behaviour, which we know is daft, but they think they're right and can't be told they are wrong. They accuse you of wanting 4 days off by taking a sick day in the middle, because that's what they'd like to do. They accuse you of not looking busy because they are worried they don't look busy. Attack is the best form of defence, particularly if they get in first.

My main recommendation is evidence. Keep a diary of sick days, what medication you took, what you did to relieve the sickness etc. Keep a diary of all the attacks on your behaviour and work. Keep a diary of the work you have been allocated, and how you have achieved it, with dates, targets, feedback etc. This will make it easier if you are ever called to HR to 'defend' yourself. I once had to go through 2 years' worth of emails from senior colleagues to prove I had followed their advice, rather than the negative accusations of a colleague at my level who ended up being 'jealous' because I'd been awarded a project he wanted to do.

The second recommendation is to read up/watch videos about narcissistic behaviour, and see if that type of controlling is happening here. It is very subtle, but it will give you insights into how they work, and help you respond in a way that is constructive, but does not fuel their motives for making the arguments in the first place.

Bullying is quite hard to prove, even though it's out there more than we'd like. Are there any policies at work that you can use to support you? E.g. are there clear terms in the absence policy about when management can raise concerns and escalate them to some kind of 'warning' or 'improvement plan'? Can you get any mediation or support from the Autism at Work people, if only to alert them to think before sending anyone else to the same place...

I am sorry you have this stress. Your boss sounds unprofessional and a bully.  

I had to complain about a bullying boss before. I know how hard it is to go through this.  Even days off can be wrecked by work anxiety. 

I think the advice about keeping a diary and seeing your GP about the anxiety are a good idea. Do you have a union rep? Is there a policy that protects employees from bullying?

I really hope you are able to resolve this. 

I hope things work out for you. 

Unfortunately I had this problem in the past and was bullied. My advice to write a diary and perhaps make a GP appointment?  Sounds like your boss can't be trusted. 

In 2019 I had the flu (where I nearly fell down the stairs at home); phoned in sick 2 days in a row, then had 2 weeks vacation and returned to the workplace. Rumours were spreading and the way I got treated (had phone calls saying don't come in as hardly any delivery. I was accused of lying to people and said no to make up the hours); sorry this is a trigger for me.

I'd ended up leaving and the cowards couldn't accept it.

Can you write a letter to say how your feeling? If that desperate contact the samaritains.

Now I go to a voluntary work group.