Stress Vs Anxiety!

I used to work in McDonald’s (horribly noisy place) constantly blink -blinking lights, screens, and loud beep beep. I had a stress when got my training on the customer service, but I preferred working on the kitchen (clear tasks, procedures) and I was quick and efficient. But amazingly I started getting panic attacks exactly at the kitchen. I felt dizzy, faint, tingling, heart palpitations, head spinning and general fear. I spent years trying to figure out why I get them and what it actually was. Ruled out epilepsy, heart disease and diabetes. It also happens to me in high stress that I loose clarity of thinking and get panicked, afraid of everything sometimes it even happened after some customer said something stupid to me. There was an ambulance called for me few times and mostly they just arrived, measured pulse and left annoyed that they were called for nothing. Once they took me to a psychiatrist. After half hour conversation the doctor said I had depression and I was prescribed meds. I didn’t have depression at that time and the meds didn’t help my symptoms. 10 years later, quite recently I started using earplugs and discovered that they work for my issues. I had severe depression and I was suicidal as a teenager because I was constantly told by my family and others that I’m not enough and I will fail in life. They were pretty much disappointed with me and I felt this all the time plus constant bullying at school. I had no support at that time. 

I'm so sorry. And I hate to say this, but I think you know, this isn't depression, but an Appropriate Response to rejection, emotional abandonment, unjust and unwarranted cruelty. You should've never been treated like this! I feel a sense of injustice for you. 

It sounds to me like your work experience in that kind of environment was a sensory assault. Sonic and Light weaponry will produce the same effect you're describing. Not just this, but VOC's from kitchens and other toxins - these nano-particulates we inhale which affect our entire body - nervous system, hormonal system and so on, can also cause the same effects. Sick building syndrome pathologises the person, so those responsible don't have to be as accountable. But all of these things, from gassing humans to sensory weapons, if we knew what was harmful in society, we could hold those responsible accountable. 

Yesterday I was at a cafe and could identify the sound was creating a sort of Vertigo.  Our inner ear is responsible for sense-perceiving and working with Gravity. I had to leave as it started making me feel sick. When I spoke with the bartista on the way out he said some of the staff experience the same and that there's a wire loose in the audio system producing a painful high pitched frequency, but since the owner has lost his hearing, won't do anything about it. Any number of searches will bring up results https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/magazines/panache/exposure-to-high-frequency-sounds-can-make-you-sick/articleshow/50667378.cms?from=mdr

Yes, I hate smells from McDonald’s but honestly after spending 1 hour there I stopped smelling anything. Everything was so much. I think that the psychiatrist jumped into the conclusion that I had depression because I told her that I feel like my life is too much that I feel tired, overwhelmed and everything around is too much. I couldn’t put it in words properly. I often hear that with the skills, education and languages I know I should get a good job. Somehow I can’t get rid of low paid jobs 

I feel so sorry for your experience, you went through a lot. Back then in 90’s the awareness about autism was much less than now. I just hope, that next generations will get better help and treatment and that maybe we finally get recognised and understood although it’s later in life. Our world is way too much. It maybe serves some rich people, but I guess many NTs are also tired. I could never understand how my colleagues after whole day work had energy to meet, make party etc. I was literally drained out of energy and often felt low, heavy, like stuck in a swamp. 

All the things overwhelming you on a daily basis will create exhaustion. Being continually thrown into Survival Mode and fighting this much is incredibly draining. No one can manage the stress of life without help and it sounds like you didn't have much. Shame on her for not helping you express your needs nor suggesting to have a blood test and look at all the other biological factors which can create tiredness. I happened to get advice in my mid 20s that a mushroom blend with Ashwaganda would help. I was always ill. This was one step to a more stable sense of being most don't hear about. 

What it takes for someone like us to thrive in this system is nothing short of miraculous or luck. If you're not born into a stable, wealthy family where Autistic traits are recognised as potential, I don't know how any of us make it. I feel fortunate sometimes to have the genetics I have, but this is not enough. I've circumnavigated death more than a few times and experienced horrendous treatment in life I've had to try and work through and around. 

In order to 'level' up, I had to accept being homeless for a period of time. Living on very little and just making time to breathe, immerse myself in any book I could which would help understand the world, immerse in just making art with what I had or what I could borrow, invest in just showing up to a community I felt shared my values... and so on. I am far from blood-family but have a son. He has been a good reason to try and figure all this out. 

In the end, these aren't as subjective as we'd like to think. If you don't wear protection, UV light will damage the eyes over time. Piercing frequencies will cause hearing loss. Not being able to smell an electric fire can lead to just as critical consequence. Our senses exist for a reason, which is why humans have also worked out how to use them for intentional cruelty or to disperse a crowd like sonic weapons will do.

All the things overwhelming you on a daily basis will create exhaustion. Being continually thrown into Survival Mode and fighting this much is incredibly draining. No one can manage the stress of life without help and it sounds like you didn't have much. Shame on her for not helping you express your needs nor suggesting to have a blood test and look at all the other biological factors which can create tiredness. I happened to get advice in my mid 20s that a mushroom blend with Ashwaganda would help. I was always ill. This was one step to a more stable sense of being most don't hear about. 

What it takes for someone like us to thrive in this system is nothing short of miraculous or luck. If you're not born into a stable, wealthy family where Autistic traits are recognised as potential, I don't know how any of us make it. I feel fortunate sometimes to have the genetics I have, but this is not enough. I've circumnavigated death more than a few times and experienced horrendous treatment in life I've had to try and work through and around. 

In order to 'level' up, I had to accept being homeless for a period of time. Living on very little and just making time to breathe, immerse myself in any book I could which would help understand the world, immerse in just making art with what I had or what I could borrow, invest in just showing up to a community I felt shared my values... and so on. I am far from blood-family but have a son. He has been a good reason to try and figure all this out. 

In the end, these aren't as subjective as we'd like to think. If you don't wear protection, UV light will damage the eyes over time. Piercing frequencies will cause hearing loss. Not being able to smell an electric fire can lead to just as critical consequence. Our senses exist for a reason, which is why humans have also worked out how to use them for intentional cruelty or to disperse a crowd like sonic weapons will do.

I feel so sorry for your experience, you went through a lot. Back then in 90’s the awareness about autism was much less than now. I just hope, that next generations will get better help and treatment and that maybe we finally get recognised and understood although it’s later in life. Our world is way too much. It maybe serves some rich people, but I guess many NTs are also tired. I could never understand how my colleagues after whole day work had energy to meet, make party etc. I was literally drained out of energy and often felt low, heavy, like stuck in a swamp.