I don't know what to do or where to turn. Please help if you can.

Please bear with me, I will try to make this as concise as possible but there is a lot.

My bf (45m) and I (35f) have been in a relationship for 7 years.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, anxiety and adhd in my teens. In my late 20’s I was upgraded to severe anxiety with panic attacks, and most recently they have added a diagnosis of PTSD. I have been medicated since my early 20s. Different medications, some complications.

My boyfriend has been misdiagnosed many times over his lifetime and was never really aware that he is autistic until he was in his 30s. When we started dating we were both very aware of one another’s mental states/disabilities/diagnoses. 

Up until 2016 I was a pretty fully functional person. I was able to work, though I could never figure out why I could only hold a job for a year at most. I was able to handle cleaning my home, running my life, etc. In 2016 everything fell apart. My medication stopped working. I had to quit a job I loved because I couldn’t remember anything or keep a sleep schedule. I lost all motivation and fell into a deep depression.

I have always been a “carer” when someone needed me I would always put them first, sometimes to my own detriment. Over the past seven years I have done everything I can for my boyfriend. I handle the bills so he doesn’t have to worry about money issues, I make all of his appointments, handle his phone calls. I clean the house, cook the food, etc. He spends his time working on what he feels like working on at the time. We are both disabled due to our conditions. I am medicated and in therapy and have been since I ended up in the mental hospital back in 2017. He started therapy in 2020 because I begged and pleaded for him to. I wanted him to get help from someone who understands Autism, who could help him figure out how to function in a way that works for him, while also possibly being able to help him understand/work on his relationship with me. Almost all of the ‘advice’ on the internet is for autistic/neurotypical relationships and he has been sending me articles and videos on that but my brain does not work in a neurotypical way either so I am not able to relate or apply those things to our relationship. It seems like he sees me as neurotypical because I am not Autistic and I have tried to explain but I must not be doing something right.

I have taken courses in both adult and child psychology, business, and education but was never able to finish a degree. When I worked, I was everything from a sales associate, customer service worker, office assistant/secretary, to a preschool teacher. I have experience with working with people with a host of mental health disorders as well as autism, but I have never met someone quite like my boyfriend.

I have spent the past 7 years trying to remind myself that he needs a little extra… patience, help, you name it. In the beginning it was ‘little things’ like yelling at me for warming tortillas for taco night, not putting a sandwich together right (the mustard must not go on the bread but cheese first then mustard so the bread doesn’t get soggy.) I understand that is a communication thing. That he may not have realized he was ‘yelling’ etc. I just simply adjusted. 

I do constant research. I know about common issues and things that go along with being autistic. I know that I need to communicate with him directly no matter how uncomfortable that makes me. I am still learning how to manage my own disabilities as well.

As time went on the list of things that I ‘do wrong’ has grown exponentially. I have been called stupid because of things I don’t know. I can’t do anything right because he wants me to do it his way and I cannot understand how to. I have lost all faith and confidence in myself. I don’t even feel like I can write an email without letting him read over it because I am terrified I may say something the wrong way and he will get angry with me. I get yelled at for forgetting to buy things like sauces, salad dressings, etc. It’s my fault if the food in the fridge goes bad, that I get sick, or can’t keep up with the chores. I am trying to run my own life as well as his. If I forget to make an appointment, something falls through the cracks, or miss a call it’s because I don’t care about him or I’m an “idiot”.

I have tried talking to him about these things. Being direct, trying to be clear and as unemotional as possible but no matter how I think I sound he says I have an attitude, and I am aware that may be the case because honestly I don’t know anymore. Everything becomes a fight and one or both of us end up feeling and acting defensive.

I just feel like I bend over backwards to make concessions for him, and while I understand that it may be harder for him to do the same, I don’t know. I just feel like I am being held to standards that he doesn't hold himself to and some of which are just too high.

Over the past 2 years or so my mental health has been deteriorating further. I am forgetting things more, having further issues with executive functions, and have been severely depressed despite the medications. Constantly being told I am not doing enough, feeling as if I am not good enough. The only time he comments on anything at all is when I forget or mess up something. I am never complimented in anyway, there is no appreciation or effort put in on his part. I compliment him all the time. I tell him I love him, tell him he is gorgeous/attractive/handsome, I kiss him goodbye/hello, I understand that this stuff doesn’t come naturally to some autistic people. I have tried to get used to that but added to the constantly being put down and never feeling like I do enough despite exhausting and pushing myself to my limits…

The most embarrassing thing is…all of this has affected my sex drive. It is rare that I am ever ‘in the mood’. I have tried to explain this to him. I have been honest. But no matter what I say or do everything is my fault and I am ‘withholding sex’ as a punishment. But I swear I am not. It is not a conscious thing on my part. There is no withholding because there is no desire. He has told me he believes that because we are in a relationship sex is a given, that the right to sex is implied because we are in a relationship. The most recent example was yesterday. From the time he got out of bed he was angry with me.

I no longer have time to read, it is a comfort thing for me and something that was part of my identity until I started dating him. The past year or so I started listening to audiobooks while I clean and do chores. Normally when I am listening to the audiobook if someone calls me it goes right through and rings in my ear. Today I missed a call from one of his doctors. It rang once then stopped, didn’t even register who called on my phone until they left a voicemail. This never happens when I am listening to a book. He yelled at me for hours because I was listening to an audiobook instead of just waiting for the phone call. Every time I tried to explain the above he would roll his eyes and scoff at me. He blames me for him being in pain, I should have never let him take the antibiotic the doctor gave him, etc. This continued throughout the day even up to dinner. At dinner he realized I forgot to buy more taco sauce. He ‘thought I would remember it since last time this happened, he yelled at me”. 

I was honest with him. I told him I am so depressed and my mind is in a very dark place. I told him I have been having weird nightmares since I started a new medication.  His response was to make it all about our sex life and how the nightmares are probably because I ‘feel guilty about not taking care of my man.” We have both been sick for the past month or so. I have had a severe sinus infection that required 3 rounds of antibiotics that I am still not done. He has UTI symptoms, has been on antibiotics the most recent of which has given him severe side effects and he still wants sex. Between the depression and being sick I have zero want for sex. He seems to believe that walking up behind me and grabbing my breasts should be enough to make me want to hop right in bed with him no matter how I feel. I have tried to communicate that isn’t how my body works. I have told him time and time again it isn’t that I don’t want or love him. It is just that my mind and body are not in the right space for that at the moment.  Despite how I feel I have gone out and gotten condoms and lubricant. We had sex a few days ago. I have given him manual stimulation a few times in the past couple of weeks as well. It isn’t like we haven’t had sexual contact in months but he still tells me I am a horrible girlfriend. I am at the end of my rope and I don’t know what else to do. I am so tired all the time. I am tired of hating myself and feeling down on myself all the time. I am tired of never doing enough. I feel like a *** but I am tired of hearing about his IQ, that his is smarter than I am and therefore right and that I need to stop listening to my stupid audiobooks and watching my stupid shows that I like and should be spending that time learning to understand him and his needs. I don’t know what to do.