I am sorry if I sound terse, or rude, or whatever else. I am in the middle of an anxiety attack at the moment. I would have liked to take my time and put forward an encouraging or at least neutrally worded plea. Looking back at what I've written I'm not sure I managed that. I would come back later, but my procrastination has ensured that there isn't enough later to wait for. So please, I am not trying to be dramatic, I just wasn't in a very good head-space when I wrote this.
Then again, I could be mistaken. I've often found myself apologizing for emotional outbursts that other people didn't notice... Which, I guess is something that brought me here.
TLDR: I've marked the symptoms I'm curious about with “--” at the start of the line/paragraph.
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So, I've been trying to figure out what's going on with me for quite some time now. Lately I've thought to look to the autism spectrum for some answers. So, I wanted to talk about some of my observations, and hoped I might find insight from some of you here.
For a long time the more noticeable problem was Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I had constant thoughts of violence, and even had frequent hallucinations (or more accurately, "visions") where I saw myself hurting people. But, I got some medication, and now I no longer hallucinate, and the thoughts are much more manageable.
It took a long time to find out that it was OCD because it seems that everyone thinks OCD is just about washing hands.
There were other problems that I thought would go away with the rest of the OCD, but they haven't. Turns out OCD tends to come as a package deal. So I've been looking for secondary and tertiary problems ever since.
So, the autism spectrum hasn't been high on my list because, on the surface, I don't seem to match the social aspects of it. That being said, if I do have autism is probably a milder version of it, or I have especially strong coping mechanisms. Or maybe autism is as misunderstood as OCD.
Several things that have been happening since my youth seem to point to oversensitivity.
--As early as when I was just learning to crawl. I'm told I didn't like grass. I had some strong aversion to it. Apparently, I would still crawl though it if I had to, but I would crawl using my elbows instead of my hands. I am the fourth child, and none of my siblings did anything like this.
--Loud noises bother me when they don't seem to bother anyone else. The strangest case was when I was at a party where they launched a firework. It was a “whistler” and made a very high pitched sound as it took off. I was standing at the back of the crowd, and even had a metal and glass screen door between me and outside, but when it went off I was the only one who screamed and covered his ears. Stranger still, I had lasting effects from it. For a week or two afterward my hearing was distorted. I could hear other people just fine, but whenever I spoke it sounded like I was hearing my own voice underwater. This went away, and since then I do not seem to have any measurable hearing loss.
--Bright lights bother me, to the point that on a sunny day I will often walk with my eyes closed. Opening them in a sort of “reverse blink” to get a snapshot of my surroundings and avoid obstacles. I've been doing this for so long that I can even do it in relatively crowded conditions.
--Tactile sensation doesn't seem as prone to over stimulation. Then again I have no idea if other people feel the same way about clothing that I do. It does however seem to be unusually sensitive. In health class in school we did a test where you press two toothpicks against another persons skin (while they turn away) and then move them closer until the can only feel one point of pressure. Or that's the idea, I was the only one in class who could always tell when there were two toothpicks, even if the points were touching each other.
Socially, things aren't quite so clear cut.
--I avoid large groups, but not much more than a typical introvert. I tend to socialize with small groups. I often feel very anxious when I am in a group of people that are idly talking and milling about. A classroom isn't so bad because people are quiet. And I don't like to watch sports with others because the noise they make when celebrating is downright painful. However, I can handle an entire cafeteria of people talking and just focus on the group I am with.
--I feel like I can interpret other people's emotions, but I'm told I often get things wrong. Such as not noticing when someone is angry with me. What's really strange is that quite frequently when I use sarcasm other people don't understand, and think that I am being perfectly serious. It's almost a daily occurrence that I have to stop and explain painfully obvious things to people. It seems that no longer how impossible the situation, or how much I think I exaggerate my voice, people take it at face value. On top of that, I seem to be absurdly good at lying.
--People seem to find me perfectly expressive regarding my own emotions. However I also seem to be far too good at faking emotions. I participate in tabletop RPGs, and even though we all came their to play fake roles, other players often think I'm actually feeling the emotions that I'm simply acting. I've scared the GM with intimidate checks. Once they nearly stopped the game because they thought I was too sad to continue.
--However, when I went to a psychiatrist for testing I decided to take the situation perfectly seriously. I'm not sure how to express how it felt, other than saying that I was trying to be “As honest as possible.” In the end, the doctor labeled me as having “blunted affect” So, did I just learn to synthetically express emotions, and have gotten too good at it for people to think there's a problem?
As for miscellaneous.
--I had speech problems. I don't quite remember how severe, but they made me take a special “speech class” in elementary school.
--– Avolition, I think I've seen people describing it here, even if they didn't use the name. It's that feeling where you can't get the willpower to do anything and just stare at the wall
I... feel like I would have more to say, but now my mind is blank. I am probably just tired. I wrote the preface halfway though. Good thing I didn't wait until the end or I probably wouldn't have managed it. I would just try to sleep on it and come back, but I'm seeing the psychiatrist soon, and I need for there to be time for people to reply.
So.. yeah. Does this sound like things you all have experienced? Or any idea what it might be?
