Hello everyone,
I'd first of all like to start by saying that I do have problems with depression and social anxiety, which I have suffered with for a number of years. Im not one for self diagnosing, but if there is anyone who has autism or a similar condition I would greatly appreciate your advice :)
I'm 21, male and in University. The bulk of my problems began when, from my perspective, I started nursery, so I would have been around 2 - 3 years of age. I always had a problem with social interaction and making friends from the moment I was placed in environments with other children. Thinking back, a part of my always thought that I didn't 'fit in' with others, from as early as I can remember. I had odd interests that other children of my age didn't seem to have. Apparently, from what my parents have told me, I had an obsession with Thomas the tank engine and dinosaurs. I remember I would organise my trains in a certain order, in a Thomas carrying case, and have it with me a lot (although I do remember often arranging my toys in a specific order). I had quite a strong attachment to them, and I would have a strong attachment to other objects, like a toy doll and this plastic cup that I refused to let my parents throw out. I also did this 'arm flapping' thing, when I was excited, and i've seen videos before of me doing this. It embarrass the hell outta me, knowing I did that!!
This behaviour continued to Primary school where social interaction with others was becoming more difficult, I think I had some problems with how my language developed. Although I said my first word around 9 - 10 months of age, even today I have problems speaking and articulating my words properly. Academically, I was slightly behind. I have been diagnosed with dyslexia which I believe to be true. I had problems with reading and writing before I went to middle school, although I was one of the few who moved to middle school who could actually read and write!
I remember the transition from Primary to Middle school was very difficult. It is around this age I became more aware of how others were reacting to me. I was often bullied, even in my first school. Teachers and my peer group often just assumed I was stupid, weird, lazy and just generally not a nice person. I can remember a lot that people would refuse to be in groups with me, i'd always be picked last for sports teams etc. I could go on and on about the 'peer group rejection' I experienced. I think this is when my social anxiety and depression set in. I became very angry with everyone around me, and I think I would turn a lot of people off wanting to be around me. This carried on to upper school. Where I became pretty much mute. I would go for days without speaking to anyone, and when I had to speak in class I would often mumble and people wouldn't understand what I was say, so I got laughed at a lot lol! I still am very quiet although I am getting better with it, to a certain extent.
The main reason I think I may have autism is because I have a very difficult time understanding others. I can't read others body language, there facial expressions or understand there intentions. I have always struggled to make and maintain friendships, throughout my life. As stupid as this may sound, I don't seem to understand the unwritten 'social rules'. Whenever I do pluck up the courage to talk, I usually start talking about subjects that are completely off topic. And a lot of the time, I often struggle to understand what people have said to me, like I always have to get them to repeat myself.
I've always found other people unpredictable and confusing, even from a young age. I've became very withdrawn, and although it seems like i'm aloof and uninterested in other people, i'm not. I long for friends and relationships, but I just can't make any. I think its because I behave in an inappropriate manner, or maybe its just because i'm the sort of person who doesn't have friends, I dunno. I've also noticed that i'm quite sensitive to sounds. I notice the slightest noise that others don't seem too.
Since i've been young i've also have quite intense interests. Today, i'm very interested in playing music, researching subjects like science, astrophysics and psychology. I literally spend hours immersed in these interests and I hate it if I can't pursue them.
Thanks for reading :). I guess this probably sounds like i'm ranting, but I am really at my wits end. I do have very severe social anxiety, and this i've found is what makes me depressed. But feel they aren't the whole problem, like there 'bits on the side', so to speak. I would really appreciate an opinion on this, and if there is anyone who can help me get a better understanding of how i'm feeling.
