Difficult behaviour difficult to prove but have no caught it

Hi Penski

I was very much like your daughter in that I was quiet and shy at school and out of the house but loud, angry and difficult at home. I really feel for her.  I've only been diagnosed now, in my forties. The reason I was drawn to your post and your videos is that I'm trying to make sense of my past and I could relate to what you were saying about your daughter.   

I can only tell you what it was like for me, I'm not your daughter, she may feel differently. I feel a lot of shame about the way I behaved, but I could not stop it. I had a horrible time at school, was bullied and became almost mute there, then I'd come home and explode and scream and shout at my mum. Secondary school was loud, noisy and overwhelming and I hated it but I wouldn't have been able to put that into words at the time.  I couldn't understand the emotions I was feeling so I exploded and shouted, screamed, said hurtful things and threw things.  Then once the storm had passed I would cry and say sorry. 

I've heard that people with Asperger's get angry over what can seem trivial things. We don't have the safety valve that other people have, we just blow. Add the hormones of puberty and being a teenager can be pretty difficult.

After an outburst I feel shame, and I also feel pretty shaky. Doing something that calms me afterwards can help. I also need to be alone.  That's probably why your daughter goes off and reads a book in the other room in one of the videos.  She maybe felt flooded with emotions she couldn't perhaps name and was doing something that calms her.

A lot of the stuff she's doing like crawling on the floor, putting a skirt over her head and rocking, she could be doing that to calm down or because she likes the sensation.  The skirt over the head made me think that she's trying to black everything out, get a bit of solitude. That's my interpretation of course and may not be right but it's the sort of thing I would do. Just let her do it and don't make her feel bad or weird about it.

I think your idea of a rota is a good one.  I used to like staying with my auntie who had a rota.  At home it was a free for all (my parents had no idea about Asperger's back in the eighties) and then I'd get into trouble for not helping, but I didn't know what to do. 

I've finally found some things that work to help control meltdowns. I think if I'd known about asperger's before I could have figured this out earlier. Everyone's different, but here's what works for me.

* Make sure I have plenty of time on my own. I work in a busy, noisy office and I am drained at the end of the day.  I need time on my own with no demands on me to recover from work.

* Make sure my blood sugar is stable. Eat whole grains, gluten free, no white carbs or sugar (I don't stick to this all the time, I like sugar, but it makes a huge difference to the meltdowns.

* Get away from the source of the distress and do something calming. Things that work for me are  exercise, running, walking or cycling, playing a mindless computer game like Candy Crush, surfing the net or reading a book. 

When I was a kid, my mum would shout back at me and that would exacerbate the problem as I'd then shout more.  For me, if she had just let me rage and left me alone, the storm would have blown itself out quicker. I didn't share a room though as I had a brother and I understand you don't want to be seen as allowing bad behaviour because it's not fair on your other daughter but try to understand that Ali doesn't want to be like that and may feel bad because she's not like her sister or other kids.  Maybe giving her 10 minutes on her own may help when she blows. 

Please, please, please take those videos down or at least make them private so that only people who have the link can see them. I was mortified by my behaviour as a teenager and had a lot of shame about it and I would have died if my mum had posted a video of me on the internet (luckily it didn't exist them!).  Imagine how awful it would be if one of the kids from school saw them, especially as she puts in so much effort to keep it together at school. 

Ok I've written too much so I'll stop typing now. I've got to pluck up the courage to post this now...  I hope you and Ali find a way to get through this. I've got a very good relationship with my mum now and have had for a long time.

Cheers

redcat

Hi Penski

I was very much like your daughter in that I was quiet and shy at school and out of the house but loud, angry and difficult at home. I really feel for her.  I've only been diagnosed now, in my forties. The reason I was drawn to your post and your videos is that I'm trying to make sense of my past and I could relate to what you were saying about your daughter.   

I can only tell you what it was like for me, I'm not your daughter, she may feel differently. I feel a lot of shame about the way I behaved, but I could not stop it. I had a horrible time at school, was bullied and became almost mute there, then I'd come home and explode and scream and shout at my mum. Secondary school was loud, noisy and overwhelming and I hated it but I wouldn't have been able to put that into words at the time.  I couldn't understand the emotions I was feeling so I exploded and shouted, screamed, said hurtful things and threw things.  Then once the storm had passed I would cry and say sorry. 

I've heard that people with Asperger's get angry over what can seem trivial things. We don't have the safety valve that other people have, we just blow. Add the hormones of puberty and being a teenager can be pretty difficult.

After an outburst I feel shame, and I also feel pretty shaky. Doing something that calms me afterwards can help. I also need to be alone.  That's probably why your daughter goes off and reads a book in the other room in one of the videos.  She maybe felt flooded with emotions she couldn't perhaps name and was doing something that calms her.

A lot of the stuff she's doing like crawling on the floor, putting a skirt over her head and rocking, she could be doing that to calm down or because she likes the sensation.  The skirt over the head made me think that she's trying to black everything out, get a bit of solitude. That's my interpretation of course and may not be right but it's the sort of thing I would do. Just let her do it and don't make her feel bad or weird about it.

I think your idea of a rota is a good one.  I used to like staying with my auntie who had a rota.  At home it was a free for all (my parents had no idea about Asperger's back in the eighties) and then I'd get into trouble for not helping, but I didn't know what to do. 

I've finally found some things that work to help control meltdowns. I think if I'd known about asperger's before I could have figured this out earlier. Everyone's different, but here's what works for me.

* Make sure I have plenty of time on my own. I work in a busy, noisy office and I am drained at the end of the day.  I need time on my own with no demands on me to recover from work.

* Make sure my blood sugar is stable. Eat whole grains, gluten free, no white carbs or sugar (I don't stick to this all the time, I like sugar, but it makes a huge difference to the meltdowns.

* Get away from the source of the distress and do something calming. Things that work for me are  exercise, running, walking or cycling, playing a mindless computer game like Candy Crush, surfing the net or reading a book. 

When I was a kid, my mum would shout back at me and that would exacerbate the problem as I'd then shout more.  For me, if she had just let me rage and left me alone, the storm would have blown itself out quicker. I didn't share a room though as I had a brother and I understand you don't want to be seen as allowing bad behaviour because it's not fair on your other daughter but try to understand that Ali doesn't want to be like that and may feel bad because she's not like her sister or other kids.  Maybe giving her 10 minutes on her own may help when she blows. 

Please, please, please take those videos down or at least make them private so that only people who have the link can see them. I was mortified by my behaviour as a teenager and had a lot of shame about it and I would have died if my mum had posted a video of me on the internet (luckily it didn't exist them!).  Imagine how awful it would be if one of the kids from school saw them, especially as she puts in so much effort to keep it together at school. 

Ok I've written too much so I'll stop typing now. I've got to pluck up the courage to post this now...  I hope you and Ali find a way to get through this. I've got a very good relationship with my mum now and have had for a long time.

Cheers

redcat