firstly am now wondering if i should be here and sorry if wrong topic
Just said to GP I have been told that many of my actions fall within the autistic spectrum possible towards the Asperger’s end and could I be referred for it. Get told back that I work and have no learning disabilities, many people have things like this, too old, should have been identified at school age, counselling is needed for all the issues. Get councillor to write to me. (councillor is doing that)
It was the counselling that identified that this may be the case in the first place. So a big fat no get on with life. Back in the car staring out window for ages. An hour later going over and over what was said looks like GP did not know what I was talking about. So guilt trip time as my fault as usual, always see it as my fault when I can’t get what I want to say across. I liken myself to one of the religious flagellant people whipping myself for ever to atone for my *** ups.
Loads more on sympathy or lack of, reading faces etc not, routines, empty head, no words, rocking etc, balance and balls of feet, interrupting but ramble over. Nice one GP. So angry I was able to do this all in one go but still can’t get it across exactly (take out the fullstops and commas and that is how I often talk as well) people start putting their hands up to get a word in.………….
In 40’s, at home prefer to be on own elsewhere in house. Can happily sit staring at a wall for ages rather than do things like make a telephone call (the terror of terrors), get dressed for work, have a shower, usual household chore things etc. can’t talk most of time, or don’t want to talk. I am terrified of making telephone calls or stepping into the unknown or having to lead in conversation.
I shake if I have to go to a bar to get the round in. hate shops in case someone says anything. Head down walk fast avoid contact gets me through the day. When talking at work I have to keep resetting my eyes to look at the person or I end up talking to the left or right for them or even their feet as my eyes just won’t fix in them. I’m the one at the party sitting on own in corner like a prat except I’m not as I won’t go anyway cos I know what happens, but as can only count “friends” on fingers of one hand not many parties anyway. Could not even really tell you what a friend is but those few know what I am like and are SO supportive it makes me cry thinking about how much they are but I can’t really show them how much I appreciate it. Don’t disturb me when busy as you’ll get your head bitten off (or you’ll see me strop off and hear in the distance some of my more colourful language).
Can tell you that I can take my pen apart in 5 ¼ turns and that the party popper paper has 2-3 mm overlap on the joins – a bit of mind wandering at work. Combinations of 4 – 2 is ok (1/2 of four) and 8 and multiples ok but not 6. 2 or 4 chips on a fork but never three. Biscuits eaten 2, 4 or 8. Lock the car press the close on the fob twice or 4 times, check the door twice etc etc etc. worst is not touching something hard enough and having to go back and do it again, (get cursed by others after doing bottles up but need to make sure it’s tight) if not then all the above plays on my mind.
Need to travel, well, the night before on google street view, planning route sites times distances al least three routes, and being on time, well I’m the one who gets there an hour early cos I know that if there is a chance I am late then get so stressed.
Say hello and you may get a grunt back in acknowledgement – learnt with practice to reply but still hard sometimes. The worst of the worst though is that my head sometimes wants to explode. When I was younger I always said I was shy and quiet always outside the group like an unwanted hanger on, alone, oddbod, weird been called before. With life and work I have learnt otherwise and now anxiety steps in all the time when something is “different” but I can’t help it. I’m just me, but I always blame myself,
