Genital examination anxiety (TRIGGER WARNING)

TRIGGER WARNING: this is personal and also may cause anxiety in others. I feel alone in this situation and I wonder if there is anyone else who has similar worries or experiences.

I am 23 years old, on the spectrum (diagnosed at 3 or 4) and I'm LGBTQ+. I am NOT FEMALE, I am non-binary/gender fluid (which is under the transgender umbrella term) and questioning whether I'm gay or asexual, but assigned female at birth. I am absolutely terrified of turning 25 because my doctor does not know about my gender identity and still thinks I'm a cisgender female. I understand from age 25 women start having genital examinations for certain diseases and so on. From a young age, and still have absolutely no intentions of pregnancy or being involved in any sexual activity (which I am extremely terrified of).

Getting the 'you mind change your mind' lecture has made things a lot worse. I also have PTSD from this; I remember SRE at school and college so vividly, I have nightmares, intrusive thoughts and intense flashbacks about it. I went to a special needs school that was very strict on safeguarding yet still took things to an extreme level; they showed us childbirth videos (literally every detail of the process), graphic STD and genital pictures, extreme domestic abuse PSA's and rape videos and the school nurse told us we will go through it even though I said no. It was more than about using protection, consent and healthy relationships (which was barely spoken about and was focused too much on intercourse). I feel nervous about this sort of conversation and get negatively judged for it (which is why I'm scared of telling my doctor).

I would love to know if I'm healthy and it reassures me because I do have a lot of health anxiety. The idea of having an object inserted into my genitals or having them poked around with makes me very frightened and physically sick. I couldn't even face using a tampon to go swimming with which I did attempt at one stage just to try it out, but I just couldn't do it. I know this sounds silly but I tried inserting my finger into my genitals to overcome my fear but what happened instead was I had painful cramps in my lower stomach and in my genitals, vomited violently and was shaking. It may also be sensory issues due to being on the spectrum.

Please do not judge me for this (I am not anti vax, I am just terrified of needles and have a low pain tolerance; I even needed a local anaesthetic for my covid jabs) but I did not have my HPV vaccine because my special school was out of borough so I didn't even get told to have it. I remember some of my classmates having it and (due to the 'spectrum' not affecting them so greatly) being obsessed with being pregnant they grew up so fast when they were still kids themselves. One student in the year above me used pregnancy as a threat to get a reaction from me, I was traumatised. 

I am extremely worried I will be judged for not being sexually active, nor having any intentions of pregnancy or sexual activity. I have a lot of intrusive thoughts about genital examinations and the HPV vaccine which I can become obsessed with. I have been judged negatively by a sexual health nurse for being LGBTQ+ and I do not have ANY trust. I have symptoms of pregnancy and labour even though I'm not pregnant (because of trauma). I don't know how I am going to find the strength and courage to tell a healthcare professional who would understand my medical trauma and won't judge me for my life choices. 

I just want someone to listen to me as I pretty much one of the many trans people who have issues with their healthcare. 

Parents
  • No one here will judge. Sex is not compulsory in this life and whether we want it or not is our own business. All choices are valid.

    I have a load of health anxieties, for different reasons, and can empathise with that part of your issue to be sure. I am a bit worried about the trauma part of this from the school handling of the issues though, if it impacts on your ability to receive health care. (It was largely about teeth for me, school dental nurses did me a lot of damage). 

    I don't think there's any immediate need to panic about smears or other tests. At 25 it would be unlikely to turn up a problem anyway. You could ignore it for the short term, but for your long term of health you obviously need some help. Have you been offered any therapy for the implications for the medical anxiety?

Reply
  • No one here will judge. Sex is not compulsory in this life and whether we want it or not is our own business. All choices are valid.

    I have a load of health anxieties, for different reasons, and can empathise with that part of your issue to be sure. I am a bit worried about the trauma part of this from the school handling of the issues though, if it impacts on your ability to receive health care. (It was largely about teeth for me, school dental nurses did me a lot of damage). 

    I don't think there's any immediate need to panic about smears or other tests. At 25 it would be unlikely to turn up a problem anyway. You could ignore it for the short term, but for your long term of health you obviously need some help. Have you been offered any therapy for the implications for the medical anxiety?

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