Hiya. First off I’m not sure if this is ok to post. I know that no one here can give me a diagnosis but I’m so stuck in my own little world that I’d love other people’s perspective as to whether or not these sort of things are a sign of autism in women
I’m 38 years old, married with 3 children. I’ve never felt as though I belong and despite my age and successfully raising my kids I don’t feel as though I know who I am as a person. This isn’t due to the fact I’ve simply lost myself whilst rising my children, which I know can happen, I’ve always felt this way since being a child. I will do a list if you like below of the symptoms I think I have but I’m worried that if it even get an assessment I’ll unintentionally mask as I do it every day of my life. I don’t mean to it just happens. So this is me.....
- I’m not great with change. The last few years in particular I’ve experienced a lot of change in my life and I’ve found it hard cope with.
- I’m not great when I comes to social interaction. Even when I’m with friends and family I feel I have to work at keeping the conversation going. I want to be sociable and I feel “normal” but it’s a struggle. Saying that though I mask well so most people wouldn’t realise I’m anxious.
- On the rare occasion I have plans like a wedding, family meal, birthday party I get anxious and stress. I’ll run though in my mind how the situation might go.
- I’m not great with noise. I’m completely deaf in my right ear and when I was at school my teachers put my struggles/behaviours down to the fact I couldn’t hear but I can hear very well in my left ear and so i didn’t think it was down to this.
- I get overwhelmed easily. Raising 3 kids has been hard but when things have been predictable I was fine. It’s only now my kids are older and things are starting to change that I worry about transitions and about next stages of life.
- I twist my hair and often pull it out. I don’t do it around my kids or anyone but my husband so there is some element of control I suppose but then when I do it I have to consciously make an effort to stop. My hair has thinned andie uneven on both sides. Not sure if this could be OCD, stimming, a tic or trichotillomania. But either way it’s disrupting compulsive behaviour that I want to stop.
- When people are talking to me I often zone out and have to make a conscious effort to look interested and focus.
- I’m a very emotional person, take things personally, feel very deeply.
- I feel stupid because if I’m asked to do something I often need people to explain to me more than once what it is they need me to do. I can hear them fine but it’s like the information isn’t sinking in.
- I make careless mistakes at times and although for NT this is normal, I take it to heart and feel useless.
- I over think things a lot of the time and find it difficult to snap myself out of it.
- I’m anxious and have repetitive negative thoughts.
- My self esteem is rock bottom.
- I have issues with clothing. I’d happily live in my pjs and do most days if I don’t need to go anywhere. Hate the feeling of bras and jeans. When I was a child my underwear and socks had to be just right or I’d have a meltdown.
- I’m extremely fussy with food. Mostly eat your typical brown beige type foods that aren’t healthy for you. My weight has been an issue all my life. If it was a choice between eating something new that I think I won’t like I would rather go shroud food altogether than try it.
- I like hugs and affection but i have to be in the mood for it. I obviously don’t deny my kids any affection and never have but I have to make that extra effort sometimes and remind myself if you like that they might want a hug.
- I’m a major procrastinator and feel i’d demand avoidant. When it comes to my kids there isn’t much that can wait but when it comes to sorting every day adult stuff like money, bills, making phone call I put it off as long as I can. I didn’t check my online banking for around 6 months as money looking at the numbers makes me really anxious. My friend said that I was crazy and I must be rich to not have to check it. But it’s simply because I know we have enough coming in each month to cover essentials and neither me or my husband are big spenders. I hate shopping with a passion, only buy stuff for the kids or house rarely by myself anything as I find the vast choice of clothes to much and I can never work out what looks good with what
- I dread making phone calls to sort bills out, or to school, health professionals etc. I find I miss important parts of the conversation. I hear them fine like I said but i come away form the phone call and its like I’ve completely misunderstood what was said or I’ve forgot. Speaking to strangers on the phone makes me anxious especially when they try and sell me something as I want to be polite but can’t just say no thank you.
- I’m very sensory. I only go to the dentist because my kids need to go. Saying that there have been a few occasions when I’ve got my husband to take the kids and i reschedule mine but maybe for a month or two later. I’ve had a couple teeth removed in the last few years due to neglecting them.
- I don’t really look after myself. I’ll bend over backwards to make sure my kids needs are met but it doesn’t always occur to myself to look after me
- I have had my hair cut/coloured once in two years and before that I think it was 3/4 years. I’m anxious about going because I have to make small talk with the hair dresser which I find difficult. But also because my hair is a mess from pulling it and I don’t want to be asked why my hair is the way it is.
- My son is autistic and whilst I feel us having some things in common means I can parent him better as i can relate to some of his struggles, some things I find really hard. He can be very aggressive with me, can scream shout swear you name it. I find this incredibly hard and although I’ve adapted my parenting over the years, which I found tricky at first, some days no matter how much I try and think on my feet we can’t avoid meltdowns and when he is full on aggressive it really upsets me. I was a hit as a child, my dad had a temper, so the aggression really triggers me. I’m 99.9% sure my dad is autistic but either way that’s no excuse for his behaviour and whether I’m autistic or not there was no way I was going to follow in his parenting foot steps and punish my son like that. I’ve never laid a hand on any of my children but when my son hits out or throws things at me I have to really work at staying calm as inside I’m angry and upset.
- When I read I find I have to read content over and over before it will sink in.
- I if dad it very difficult to filter out noises or zone in on one conversation if there is more than one conversation going on at once. Sometimes i feel like my head/ears hurt.
- Sleep isn’t great. I wake multiple times a night. Sometimes I’m up really early hours of the morning and that’s me up for the day. Even when I’m poorly I can never just nap or fall back to sleep once I’m awake.
- I find meal/food planning difficult. I end up going to the shops most days as planning a weeks worth of food or a weekly menu takes a lot of mental effort.
- I haven’t worked in 5 years and although I want to get a job the thought terrifies me. In previous jobs I haven’t fitted in, made lots of mistakes, and felt emotionally drained by the end of the day.
- I dream about having a career and vaguely no what in red to do in order to get there but I doubt my ability to manage academically and feel I would fail.
- Even though I encourage my kids to try and try again should they make a mistake I take my own personal failure to heart even though rationally I know that making mistakes is normal I’m hard on myself and often won’t try again.
- I follow general “rules” in life but get annoyed when other people don’t.
- I have to be on time for like everything and other people’s repetitive lateness frustrates me.
- writing (with a pen) is an effort and although i obviously do it I find my writing style changes a lot and I find it uncomfortable after a while holding the own.
- Although my co-ordination and motor skills must be good enough as I drive and have done with no accidents for 17 years, at home I’m clumsy, often walk into door handles, literally trip over my feet sometimes and knock myself on things. I also struggle with buttons and doing up zips. I can do them but it takes a bit of time.
- I often have low/depressed spells. Not to the point were I can’t function or look after my children but then again I have no choice but to do that and try and be a good mum. But I do struggle and often can’t see the positives in my life.
- I smoke a lot as I find it numbs me. I’m not a big drinker and wouldn’t be around my kids. Scared of taking drugs and never have done so smoking is my only vice oh and food. I need to stop smoking and lose weight but I haven’t the focus or willpower to do it.
- I’m most happiest in my own bubble with my husband and kids. I like people visiting but not unannounced as I need to plan and no what’s happening.
- I’m very naive and don’t see when people are manipulating or lying to me. I’ve been royally screwed over by well meaning “professionals” with regards to my son. He has been excluded from two schools and both times it wasn’t done properly and didn’t go through official channels but I had no help from anyone and felt manipulated into agreeing for him to go to other schools. I feel intimated by these people who say they want the best for my son but really don’t.
- I listen to the same songs over and over as it gives me comfort.
- I dwell on things in the past and find it hard to move on. I always expect the worse as in a way it helps me prepare when things got wrong as opposed to me being caught out unawares.
So yeah this is me. Looks awful reading it back but I am who I am autism or not. I’m sure I’ve missed some things on but my brain is hurting now trying to think of anything else to add. Could this be autism do you think? I’m not sure but I know I’ve had these issues all of my life so there has to be something.
