Intolerance of Uncertainty and Managing Emotions

Week 7: Helping others manage emotions

So this was a tough one. And I feel a little weepy.

I think the first is really understanding about emotional co-regulation when interacting with others. It's not something I've really thought about - but I'm realising how quick I am to react to someone's emotional state without pausing to check in with myself first. There's a colleague at work who I get on really well with, but can also be a bit stressy. I've noticed how, if I'm not careful, I can get drawn into a conversation and have my feelings run away with theirs. It's occurred to me I don't manage my conversations particularly well. If it's to do a task - then no problem, that sits into my "everyone is a widgit to accomplish this goal" mentality. Outside of that, when the conversation isn't "organised" (i.e. not a task-based work one) I struggle to function in it. I mean I can, I can go on autopilot if I'm on the right mood, but I seem to lose awareness of my emotional state. There's been more than one occasion where I've come out of a conversation exhausted and thought how I should have wrapped it up 20 minutes ago. It's almost like I don't give myself permission to do it - even though I should... and I can.

I do get drawn into things, and sometimes I can lose myself without regulating myself healthily. To go off topic, I'm a sucker for 4x strategy games. I remember firing one up yesterday - for a few minutes - and then getting sucked into the gameplay. The problem was that it got to a point *hours* later where I was mindlessly clicking the mouse button like a zombie. The game had stagnated and yet I was still going for the one-more-turn. One more turn ----- FOR WHAT? I'd forgotten to eat (not good) and both my brain and eyes were telling me I'd been staring at the screen for too long. I've disciplined myself today - stayed off the gaming and managed to do other, more productive stuff, but I can't grasp why I can't just disengage when my entire being is telling me I've had enough.

Actually that's not true. I know exactly why. The first is that gaming allows a distraction from life. Sometimes I don't do it because I enjoy it, I do it to escape from something that's bugging me. Or I do it to work out an obsession about which is the best experience - I flit from one game to another (it takes me weeks to decide on which mobile phone to upgrade to, in my price bracket, for what I use it for, they're pretty much all the same). But the other reason, is that it's a means by which I managed my misery as a kid. Because my folks were unavailable most of the time I'd retreat into a gaming world - and I do it anytime I feel overloaded, stressed or in a position I don't know what to do. It's my hiding place. The problem is - is that it numbs me. I switch off from emotional awareness and my thinking is cloudy. I used to set an alarm for two hours and then stop. Since I stopped doing that I don't stop. And then I feel guilty that I've allowed myself to get sucked into 7-8 hours of doing basically nothing (apart from clicking a mouse and getting dazzled by shiny graphics and epic music). The problem is - is that I lose a sense of intention in daily life which then becomes a series of things I have to "do" and get through, rather than opening up and living it.

Damn. Why am I making this so difficult for myself?

I think what upset me is the realisation, and I may have written this before, is that I was never taught how to regulate emotions in the family- and co-regulation was not a thing. When I read the question on the course about whether there had been an adult in my life who was curious and accepting of my emotions my heart sank (in other words, co-regulating). The answer was no. And it didn't matter how I tried to get through to them I couldn't do it. They'd just shut me out, close down the conversation and then wonder why, months down the line, I'd be unable to function. It was all my fault - apparently. I should have worked normally straight out of the box (or womb). Although it was a different era but I suspect that they'd carried unresolved issues all through their life and adopted an unhealthy relationship of co-dependency. I don't think I was planned. Although they'd never have admitted to that.

Then there's the realisation that I'm shockingly bad at difficult conversations. Take the project. There's two conversations which I probably could have had - it wouldn't have made things any better but the way I've dealt with things by *not* having those conversations has been completely dysfunctional. Just thinking about having them I feel sick - I feel exposed - and it's because I'm putting myself "on the line" so to speak. In job roles it's never been a problem because I can get the job role mindset - there's an expectation, a knowledge about what I can and can't do, and I know what resources are available. In other words, I can provide a top notch answer, and my get-out is when the situation falls outside of that remit. But when I'm putting *myself* forward, when it's about my needs then it's like a voyage into the unknown. And so I fall back on that safe-space of outrage behind the scenes - and completing the thing I'm being asked to do with a sense of weary resignation. It's all very well disclosing when things are going well, it's when things aren't. And I think I still lack the confidence in a work situation to put myself forward and say what things aren't working for me. Some things are unavoidable. I get that. But others --- others could be managed a lot better.

I need to learn how to have that conversation. I always want to take something away to come up with "the answer". But some conversations won't have that definitive answer - they'll be unpredictable. There will be an outcome, maybe, which I'm not comfortable with. And that scares me. What scares me even more is that I don't know what conversations to have. Which do I pick up and see through, which do I leave and put down. Sometimes staying quiet has allowed me to observe and learn about the dynamics of people. That "eager to please" thing that I have (manifested in delivering a high quality product) carries me only so far. And the painful rejection of what I thought was an honest, reasonable conversation still sits with me - because I still don't know how to respond when people are emotional in their perspectives or decision-making. I can see it when it happens to someone else, but when it happens to me, I can't disentangle the feelings about the experience from feeling about myself. 

So it was twofold this week. The first is the realisation that I'm only going be able to manage my stimulus-response approach to certain stressors by self-talk and treating myself as the course advises to treat students. Get past that initial reaction, actively manage it, connect with feelings, explore the story and reinforce the growth mindset (something else that makes me feel wobbly when I think of dealing honestly with other people about how I feel).

The second is that re-engagement in intentional, conscious living. Mindfulness. It is difficult and easy to slip out of practice. I engage really well with it on my walks - and I've kept making excuses about my walks for ages. Anytime I seem to get into something which is good for me, I encounter a stressful moment or situation, and then stop doing the very thing that is helping me stay focused and grounded. I'm not saying the last few months has been a total disaster - but it could be better. Again, I think this is childhood patterns reasserting themselves. I've noticed recently that in the last few days (before taking my leave) that I was switching the works PC on before completing the morning routine. It's not an arduous routine - shower, breakfast and 10-15 minutes of Qi-Gong or Tai Chi. And yet I seem to not want to give myself that time. Is it because I see work as more important or is it because I'm switching off to the necessity of my own self-care - in that I say to myself "I'm fine" when really I could be doing something where I could be more than fine. 

It's probably both.

Thinking about unpleasant feelings - I had a moment of confusion - sometimes I want to get drawn into this battle with myself about how I'm feeling (a fools errand according to Russ Harris). It's almost as if I'm saying to myself "Should I accept and explore this feeling?" or "Should I try and overcome it?". I know the first answer is the right one, but why am I struggling to disregard the second one?

But there were two quotes I took away...

"Helping one person may not change the world, but it could change the world for one person" - I like that one.

"In these times of great uncertainty and stress - we may want to be intentional more often throughout the day to help bring positive emotions into balance even in small ways". - This I need to remember. Sometimes I forget intentional living. It's easy when not working - there's the time and space to think, plan and motivate myself. When at work, even though I do work remotely (which I never thought I'd take to) that intentionality slips. 

But perhaps this is part of another discussion about the kind of job I ought to be doing. I need to give this role a try (when I get back to it) because it's a small team and I'm working with really good people but I think I'm missing it somewhere. 

That buzz I had, when I was researching intolerance of uncertainty after my meltdown episode when the project went sideways. I still get the vibe thinking about it. That was the time I was in that "flow state" - lively, focused, motivated, enthusiastic (reads off mood chart). There is something about discovery that excites me. I need to find a thing to discover - not always, as work demands, something I need to fix.

As always my emotions are mixed. I remember starting the course tonight feeling uneasy and a bit irritated - I've finished feeling at ease and settled. Writing about it helps. On some level, this process helps me organise my thoughts - and I think nudges me a little further in the right direction.

One more week to go. I may well tackle it tomorrow. 

Totally get this. What I've learned during all this covid thing is that despite having learned much intellectually and having had more awareness successes, there are still old reactions/responses/feelings stored in my body repeating themselves. Old patterns that seem to stick a spanner in the works like I've been ambushed and sabotaged along the road of progress. I've noticed it can happen with old friends or family members, where I seem to get sucked into some kind of magnetic vortex and before I know it, I'm either being triggered emotionally or I seem to slip into conversation patterns from the past that I've tried to avoid doing more recently. Feels like I've been hooked & reeled in by a fishing rod and then I get upset afterwards for not being more aware. I guess I'm getting better though otherwise I wouldn't be aware of it at all which I must continue to remind myself is progress.

The worst is when I get overwhelmed by going too far into things too quickly or all at once, that I must have unconsciously told myself at some point ; the more digging I do or the more hard work or study I put in, the more success or progress I will make and one day I will wake-up completely ' cured '. When I overload myself like this of course, I seem to achieve the opposite and the old, destructive patterns of escape are presenting themselves like honey to a Bee. The old, overwhelm - escape pattern that has been so much of struggle and part of my unconsciousness for so long has been exposed and the spotlight shone on it. Now I have to try to break this destructive cycle by bringing more awareness to overloading myself with too much, too fast and learn to pace myself and to structure-in more healthy pursuits of escape, and in turn, change the word escape to leisure-time or relaxation or something.

Although still undiagnosed, I have heard recommendations for the book ' The body keeps the score ' and although I haven't read it yet, somehow, the title is enough for me to know that despite all the spade-work I have done intellectually or from awareness practice, that it may very well be, my body is still carrying around a lot of sticky residue that needs dislodged. Having read interviews with the author and some of his patients, I am determined to exercise more and once possible, enroll in some kind of rehabilitation Yoga suitable for trauma or PTSD which I believe I am symptomatic of from childhood and also having stored-up everything by myself with no meaningful release mechanisms. 

It's actually amazing how much tension the body carries. When my counsellor and I were probing around and my defenses were down I was taken aback as how I really felt when I thought about it - and I allowed myself to experience the feeling. I can think of many an early morning when my brain was re-processing where I'd be tensing, or my limbs "jerking" when I started to allow myself to feel again.

The "body keeps the score" is a book I've got but still not got round to reading yet. Peter Levine ("Waking the Tiger") does similar work and I have got more attuned to how I feel - I don't sit with it long enough. When I'm checking in on the mood chart I'll intellectually acknowledge the feeling, but I won't sit with it to become familiar with what it's like. I still have this "I feel ok and I'm going to do stuff" and "I don't feel ok, I need to rest until I do" approach to life.

Turtle said:

I've noticed it can happen with old friends or family members, where I seem to get sucked into some kind of magnetic vortex and before I know it, I'm either being triggered emotionally or I seem to slip into conversation patterns from the past that I've tried to avoid doing more recently.

Yep. I lived at the other end of the country from my parents but went back every year to visit. By day two I was un-ravelling. By the third day I had to get out of there and it took me a week to refocus myself back to some kind of normality. They're not around any more - and, this sounds awful to say, I feel liberated. I've got the space now to work things through emotionally and despite some folk at work being hopeless with my diagnosis (I can't expect everyone to just "get it") I've connections with people there who are at least trying to understand and are actively supporting me. It's taking time - and I've built in weekly check-ins with my direct manager so I can explain my way of thinking and what I'm finding challenging. They're still trying to say the "right thing" (the curse of managers worldwide) and it'll take time, but as I've learned, it's stories that make impressions on people. Not checklist or fact-sheets.

Turtle said:

the more digging I do or the more hard work or study I put in, the more success or progress I will make and one day I will wake-up completely ' cured '.

This is exactly the abyss I'm in danger of falling into. I used to be a very religious person (in the evangelical, charismatic church - completely toxic to my personality) and I was an emotional wreck. I used to believe that if I could just get the "right faith", get in the "right place", understand theology then I'd have this victorious life everyone kept talking about. It's crazy looking back - but I linked an overwhelming emotional experience with evidence of a divine "something" and then placed my faith in authorities and leaders within the movement. The idea that people would preach stuff they didn't experience or practice for themselves was totally lost on me. 

Now I realise it's more about "nudges". Doing those small things day to day which take me in the right direction and still doing those things even when I'm feeling crappy about everything. I check in with myself more and ask myself how have I "nudged" myself today. I'm starting to develop an inner voice (or hear it) instead of doing things on autopilot. It's early days - but I've made more progress in my life in less than a year of diagnosis and private therapy than I ever did in the toxic brand of religion I was stuck with and its cookie-cut answers. I've still fond memories of the Quakers though -  who were just about holding the tension of theists with non-theists  - but these days I find my outlook reflected in a lot of different traditions (James Fowler calls it "conjunctive faith" which sits well with me). 

I think you're spot on about pacing yourself. I have loads of books which I buy on the fly because there's something that will interest me. The minute that book pile becomes a thing I have to achieve and will hold the answers to all then I'll sink into melancholy. It's the moments where I'm learning how to relax which holds the key.... and finding the right activities where just the experience is enough and I don't have to achieve anything. I'm still struggling to find something playful to do.... and get in the right mindset where "playful" is all right.

It's actually amazing how much tension the body carries. When my counsellor and I were probing around and my defenses were down I was taken aback as how I really felt when I thought about it - and I allowed myself to experience the feeling. I can think of many an early morning when my brain was re-processing where I'd be tensing, or my limbs "jerking" when I started to allow myself to feel again.

The "body keeps the score" is a book I've got but still not got round to reading yet. Peter Levine ("Waking the Tiger") does similar work and I have got more attuned to how I feel - I don't sit with it long enough. When I'm checking in on the mood chart I'll intellectually acknowledge the feeling, but I won't sit with it to become familiar with what it's like. I still have this "I feel ok and I'm going to do stuff" and "I don't feel ok, I need to rest until I do" approach to life.

Turtle said:

I've noticed it can happen with old friends or family members, where I seem to get sucked into some kind of magnetic vortex and before I know it, I'm either being triggered emotionally or I seem to slip into conversation patterns from the past that I've tried to avoid doing more recently.

Yep. I lived at the other end of the country from my parents but went back every year to visit. By day two I was un-ravelling. By the third day I had to get out of there and it took me a week to refocus myself back to some kind of normality. They're not around any more - and, this sounds awful to say, I feel liberated. I've got the space now to work things through emotionally and despite some folk at work being hopeless with my diagnosis (I can't expect everyone to just "get it") I've connections with people there who are at least trying to understand and are actively supporting me. It's taking time - and I've built in weekly check-ins with my direct manager so I can explain my way of thinking and what I'm finding challenging. They're still trying to say the "right thing" (the curse of managers worldwide) and it'll take time, but as I've learned, it's stories that make impressions on people. Not checklist or fact-sheets.

Turtle said:

the more digging I do or the more hard work or study I put in, the more success or progress I will make and one day I will wake-up completely ' cured '.

This is exactly the abyss I'm in danger of falling into. I used to be a very religious person (in the evangelical, charismatic church - completely toxic to my personality) and I was an emotional wreck. I used to believe that if I could just get the "right faith", get in the "right place", understand theology then I'd have this victorious life everyone kept talking about. It's crazy looking back - but I linked an overwhelming emotional experience with evidence of a divine "something" and then placed my faith in authorities and leaders within the movement. The idea that people would preach stuff they didn't experience or practice for themselves was totally lost on me. 

Now I realise it's more about "nudges". Doing those small things day to day which take me in the right direction and still doing those things even when I'm feeling crappy about everything. I check in with myself more and ask myself how have I "nudged" myself today. I'm starting to develop an inner voice (or hear it) instead of doing things on autopilot. It's early days - but I've made more progress in my life in less than a year of diagnosis and private therapy than I ever did in the toxic brand of religion I was stuck with and its cookie-cut answers. I've still fond memories of the Quakers though -  who were just about holding the tension of theists with non-theists  - but these days I find my outlook reflected in a lot of different traditions (James Fowler calls it "conjunctive faith" which sits well with me). 

I think you're spot on about pacing yourself. I have loads of books which I buy on the fly because there's something that will interest me. The minute that book pile becomes a thing I have to achieve and will hold the answers to all then I'll sink into melancholy. It's the moments where I'm learning how to relax which holds the key.... and finding the right activities where just the experience is enough and I don't have to achieve anything. I'm still struggling to find something playful to do.... and get in the right mindset where "playful" is all right.

On the therapist - probably a bit of both.

I found mine on the counselling directory https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

Didn't have much of a criteria - I used their bio's to start with and selected those who had a wide range of approaches - as there are many schools of counselling as there are actual counsellors, I was in danger of getting sucked into looking for the best theory and not the best counsellor). I also wanted someone who had supervisory experience which to me, was an indication of their expertise.

I also decided not to select a counsellor who I was attracted to by their photo. That could have been a distraction. 

Narrowed it down to three - as it happens the first trial session on my first choice worked for me so stayed with them. We worked together two to three times a month, price was an an issue there, over about 4-5 months and then it came to it's natural end. 

That time gave me much needed reflection space and "nudged" me into a place where I could better engage with myself and the world. We worked before we knew about my diagnosis and I still found the sessions helpful. I've checked in once or twice when I've felt like things were getting out of control but generally I'm self-managing now. 

Work did offer some talking-support, but like the NHS, it's all CBT unless you're assessed as having some other need. I won't engage with our occupational health provider since they fudged my last back-to-work assessment and glossed over my complaint about it. I decided then I wanted some control over the support I was getting. 

Financially it was a bit awkward, but it was worth it. 

It's uncanny the similarities in our stories. Upbringing, parents, experiences and I too had a period at the church albeit a much shorter one probably. 

Ethan said:

It's actually amazing how much tension the body carries. When my counsellor and I were probing around and my defenses were down I was taken aback as how I really felt when I thought about it - and I allowed myself to experience the feeling. I can think of many an early morning when my brain was re-processing where I'd be tensing, or my limbs "jerking" when I started to allow myself to feel again.

I had one moment similar a few years ago, where my whole body was trembling. I had no idea I was carrying this kind of stuff around with me. So I did what I normally did at the time - run away, ignore or escape it. The whole importance of the Holistic approach I had read about periodically is only now beginning to sink in as imperative for me.

Ethan said:

I have got more attuned to how I feel - I don't sit with it long enough. When I'm checking in on the mood chart I'll intellectually acknowledge the feeling, but I won't sit with it to become familiar with what it's like. I still have this "I feel ok and I'm going to do stuff" and "I don't feel ok, I need to rest until I do" approach to life.

I think this scares the sh!t out of most people and why so many of us struggle with meditation or awareness practices. The fear of the unknown, letting go, fearing losing control or completely surrendering. I've had some successes but also shutdowns due to expecting ' things to happen ' or to ' get it ' . Again, too much, too quickly. 

Ethan said:

Yep. I lived at the other end of the country from my parents but went back every year to visit. By day two I was un-ravelling. By the third day I had to get out of there and it took me a week to refocus myself back to some kind of normality. They're not around any more - and, this sounds awful to say, I feel liberated.

I actually understand that. I moved countries . I worked abroad a lot and felt liberated too. I remember the last period abroad where I had to return and temporarily live at home. The first thing I noticed was overwhelming negativity. It was like being put into a Bear-Pit and being delivered blow after blow of negativity. It was a period of regression for me. I was a slow learner in many of these aspects, and didn't see the bigger picture until much later. I think my processing is a bit quicker and clearer these days because of it. 

Ethan said:

Now I realise it's more about "nudges". Doing those small things day to day which take me in the right direction and still doing those things even when I'm feeling crappy about everything. I check in with myself more and ask myself how have I "nudged" myself today. I'm starting to develop an inner voice (or hear it) instead of doing things on autopilot. It's early days - but I've made more progress in my life in less than a year of diagnosis and private therapy than I ever did in the toxic brand of religion I was stuck with and its cookie-cut answers.

Yeah, I think you're right and is great advice. I think I struggled with perfectionism thinking of creating the perfect life rather than taking small steps in the right direction, one day at a time. I'm eager to try yoga to see if this helps with slowing down and establishing more balance. That's a statement I never thought I would be saying even a few years ago. The progress you have made in such a short period is miraculous & inspiring and must give you great hope and much more peace. Did you have a criteria for choosing a therapist or did you stumble across a suitable one by luck ?