I’m not officially diagnosed yet. I’ve been waiting for an assessment since autumn 2017 and I was hoped to be seen in 2020 but due to Covid19 I wasn’t as all the appointments were put on hold.
My mood was really low in December and I’ve referred myself to IAPT.
But I think maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I should discharge myself. Maybe it’s better if someone else uses it instead. There are lots of people struggling with lockdown and other things at the moment.
The problem with CBT is that I’m not good at talking about my feelings and thoughts.
I’ve got problem with identifying my thoughts. And emotions.
I’ve just realised I might have problem with self awareness.
For example I‘m scared of new things, new places. Even thinking about going somewhere I’ve never been before or doing something I’ve never done before scares me.
And I resist it (to the point of arguing and shouting) and I avoid it at all costs. But I’m not sure exactly why, I can’t pinpoint any specific thought.
I don’t know if I’m worried about being embarrassed or not doing something right, or someone suddenly talking to me and asking me something, or getting lost, or not being able to do something and not being able to ask for help, or not knowing how to ask for help, or freaking out.
Or all of the above. I’m not sure what I think because all of the above happened in the past and might or might not happen again.
All I know is that I feel anxious and I feel uncomfortable and I want it to stop. And next time I feel even more uncomfortable and anxious because I remember that I was uncomfortable last time.
But I don’t know how to challenge my thoughts other than: don’t worry, think positive, it’s going to be all right.
So I’m wondering if CBT is for me because I had it before and it wasn’t effective. I was told I was uncooperative and accused of lying. I’m worried that it might happen again. Because I’ve got problem answering those questions about thoughts/emotions/feelings.
How does it make me feel? I don’t know: I’m fine and then I’ve got anxiety attack and then I’m fine?
And my thoughts? I didn’t like it and I’m going to try to avoid it. Because I didn’t like how it made me feel.
But if not CBT then what?
How can I fix myself?
