This took me years to understand.
I was diagnosed with being on the spectrum and having learning difficulties when I was a toddler. I was in mainstream primary school which was obviously a terrible time because of bullying, negative attitudes and finding school work hard in general. I was in a special ed secondary school from yr7 till I was 20 (as they raised the age range from 6-25).
Age between 15 and 20, my life became really hard and was just forced to live in the moment. I cannot remember the early days of it but I do remember my ex best friend having to temporarily leave school because his parents divorced and his mum couldn't afford to pay for him to attend but eventually came back as his family managed to get him statemented and so on. It was really painful for both myself and my classmates but it took me such a long time to get over it that I slowly but surely became obsessive with him. I was almost constantly texting him and talking about our special interests which is why we had a nice bond. Some of the girls teased me because the thought I liked him liked him but I was just scared I was losing his friendship. Not long after, we were looking at reproduction and sexual heath in science class and that was when my gender dysphoria hit me, I felt and wanted to be more male. I felt very ashamed when the teacher talked about periods and all the girls except me immaturely giggled and he then was giving me dirty looks. In a speech and language therapy workshop, he said he finds women are moody all the time and then the therapist gave us the period talk and called upon me about it because I felt so ashamed and upset.
I was also terrified of him leaving school anyway but eventually ended up going to the same sixth form college of the same school but sexual health classes happened more often and got more extreme as the years went on. Our school nurses were so unprofessional, STILL getting the period talk age age 16-18 but also teaching about contraception and so on for obvious reasons but the nurses made us watch graphic childbirth videos because they told us that will be me soon when I don't want to have a child. I was closeted and an LGBT person still but I was so traumatised I was throwing up, even on the mornings of future lessons. I felt I really needed to tell people how I feel but I went non verbal so I wrote a coming out letter to a few friends including my ex best friend. I showed it to a teacher and they did tell me off big time but still let me give it to them.
Another time my learning disabilities were really affecting me that I was struggling with my work and often had sensory overload that I had meltdowns and I walked out of class a lot. I was in a lot of trouble for that but for also failing exams teachers yelled in my face and denied I had learning disabilities by expecting 100% perfection from me. My parents were called in for a 'meeting' and the teacher was raging and told my parents how much she hated me because of my learning difficulties, meltdowns (I was restrained a couple of times) and the fact I was gay and trans due to the letter that upset my ex best friend. I was suspended for 2 weeks after being put in isolation with another mean teacher who kept prompting me by telling me off, restrained me and using harsh phrases.
The teachers were very strict on gender roles and I tried to challenge it because I always said when someone was being sexist. I used to get in trouble for this and teachers used to tell me to shut up and force toxic masculinity on male students. They told me I'm hormonal and my body is preparing for pregnancy which is something I don't want.
When I left at 20, I went to a mainstream college to do a film and TV course but it wasn't what I thought it was. I was bullied by 16 year olds and had a really horrible tutor who used to scream at me for tiny mistakes and told me I wasn't good enough. I dropped out after 2 months because both myself and my parents believed it wasn't meeting my needs but I was very happy to drop out but the LEA tried to force me back in but we still won.
I was gaslighted, yelled at, misunderstood and not accepted. It technically did happen repeatedly but I stayed quiet cause I knew I'd get told off or gaslighted. I used to get in trouble for misunderstanding instructions and was being under constant control. I also realised last year they used ABA which was probably they were so controlling. I felt frightened of entering adulthood because I was told I was going to have a child when I REALLY don't want to and I'm happy with my decisions. I have nightmares about these events I wake up crying my eyes out or randomly have flashbacks which then I start crying or having a panic attack. I apologise a lot even though it's been and gone. I sometimes cry for my new best friend who's so much better than my ex and he helped me get through it as soon as I met him. I also cry on the phone to my mum when I have flashbacks about these events. I sometimes see things on the internet that remind me of these events and can make me feel suicidal. I have recently learnt that things like these are considered trauma.
I am scared people don't believe me, I'm scared of going for counselling and I need to know how I can get an assessment for PTSD and appropriate help.
I am sorry to hear you are having a troubling time at present and after reading your post, would suggest that you make an appointment with your GP to start with and chat about your possible PTSD.
You may also like to contact our Autism Helpline team who can provide you with information and advice . You can contact the team via telephone on 0808 800 4104 (Monday to Thursday 10am to 4pm, Friday 9am to 3pm). Please note that the Helpline is experiencing a high volume of calls and it may take a couple of attempts before you get through to speak to an advisor. Alternatively, should you prefer to send a message, you can do so via their webform:
Thanks, the GP has referred me 3 times and I have been denied 3 times so I'm not sure what to do at this stage.