Friend with high functioning autism / Aspergers

Hi everyone!

(Apologies in advance if this isn't the right forum to be posting this, but I don't really qualify as a parent or a carer)

Just here to seek advise for how to best talk candidly with my best friend, who has been diagnosed high functioning autism / aspergers. I guess I don't have one single question, so I'm going to lay out the situation, and if anyone feels that there's more that could be done, or change the way I approach something let me know.

He masks the fact and consequences of his autism, which can make it difficult to identify when he's feeling low or struggling. After recently coming out and telling me that despite appearances he's not doing well, I try to check up on him every day just to ask how he's coping, but I'm worried that it seems that it looks like I'm just going through the motions with him (like, if I just ask "how're you feeling" every day on a loop, it'll just seem disingenuous, like I'm trying to placate him). 

Moreover, when he does voice genuine concerns, it's good that he's opening up, but I'm worried that I'm unprepared to offer any meaningful advice for him. I hope that simply being able to talk at someone about his concerns helps him. I'll respond to that with leading questions, which again, could seem a little dishonest too; like I'm trying to turn the conversation into a couch therapy session ("how does that make you feel"), but I don't want him to think he's not being listened to, or that I've switched off and don't care. I know enough not to try and invoke a false sense of empathy with him, I'm not (knowingly) autistic, and trying to make out that I've experienced what he goes through is at best an empty platitude and at worst could actually serve to cheapen the struggles he's going through.

The way he masks his autism is, (as I understand it), impulsive, subconscious and/or inhibitive; something he does passively, not actively, but leads to burnouts all the same. The most I've been able to do is reassure him that he doesn't have to mask around me, and give him carte blanche to effectively cut off socialising and recharge for however long it takes, but I'm aware that the former misses the overall point that he's not masking deliberately, and the latter is purely a reactive measure. 

Sorry to unload on you all like this, but I feel like there's more to be done to help, although I'm not sure what else I can do for him other than continue to listen. If my friends situation resonates with any of you, is there anything your friends do (or wish your friends would do)? Is there anything wrong or missing with the way I've been trying to help? 

  • I know exactly how you feel, my own best friend and myself have Aspergers. I would first like you to note that using the term 'high functioning' can set people off as we are trying to move away from that label as a lot of us feel that it is not really explaining what our Autism entails.

    He masks the fact and consequences of his autism, which can make it difficult to identify when he's feeling low or struggling.

    That is completely normal for people with Autism. Masking is what helps us cope with the world in a small way by hiding the fact that we have it, but at the same time doing it for extended periods of time can lead to burnouts eventually. Our emotions aren't something that we are used to since we view the world differently (as I'm sure you might have noticed) and the masking hides that better then anything else we could do.

    After recently coming out and telling me that despite appearances he's not doing well, I try to check up on him every day just to ask how he's coping, but I'm worried that it seems that it looks like I'm just going through the motions with him (like, if I just ask "how're you feeling" every day on a loop, it'll just seem disingenuous, like I'm trying to placate him). 

    Doing that is honestly the best thing to do if he's not feeling that good. Checking on him and finding out what is happening really helps us in many different ways, but with the masking in effect it takes some time for the fact that you are trying to help to sink in. Keep going with it and eventually he will improve a bit and be more open.

    Moreover, when he does voice genuine concerns, it's good that he's opening up, but I'm worried that I'm unprepared to offer any meaningful advice for him. I hope that simply being able to talk at someone about his concerns helps him.

    Meaningful advice is what is hard to give to anyone who is Autistic. Just be slow and understanding, sometimes the advice can backfire but in the end if you do give advice it will help down the line. Being able to talk to anyone is a huge help for us since we don't know what our body is doing (emotions, responses etc), and we can sometimes mistake it and become even worse, but being able to talk to someone to help understand what is happening helps us to both cope and understand more about not only ourselves but the world as a whole.

    The way he masks his autism is, (as I understand it), impulsive, subconscious and/or inhibitive; something he does passively, not actively, but leads to burnouts all the same. The most I've been able to do is reassure him that he doesn't have to mask around me, and give him carte blanche to effectively cut off socialising and recharge for however long it takes, but I'm aware that the former misses the overall point that he's not masking deliberately, and the latter is purely a reactive measure. 

    Masking, as I have said above, helps us to cope. Think of it like Dark Horse Comics character "The Mask", once we put it in it's hard to take off and it leads to some... unique consequences (to put it lightly). Masking is more subconscious then impulsive as the way we look at the world is unique and we feel as though we, and I quote, "need to fit in to normal society when we cannot be truly 'normal'" (this is a quote my friend once said to me). It can be inhibitive to our own well being as is pretty much passive, but it is what we do. Giving him the freedom to be who he is and recharge helps a lot as we don't normally know how to interact with people socially. If you give him a bit of time to recharge then ask him how he's going, you will be able to help him more. 

    I hope I have helped even a small bit, as I have Aspergers (as I had mentioned above), this is from my own experience and experience with my best and and others who I know who have Autism and Aspergers (which is pretty much all my close friends and my girlfriend) so hopefully it will help. Please reply if you have any questions and I will try and answer them to the best of my abilities.

    -KB