Published on 12, July, 2020
Wise people of internet, I hope someone will be able to explain the issue I have.
I’m not diagnosed but I’m on the waiting list, referred 2 years ago (I was told last month I’ve got one more year of waiting ahead of me)
I’ve got big anxiety issue.
I don’t know if it is linked to autism or is it completely different and has nothing to do with possible ASD.
But it’s getting worse and worse with age, mainly because of accumulation of bad experiences.
It’s quite bad.
Basically I have awful anxiety each time I think I won’t know what to do, say or what’s going to happen.
Some examples:
1. There’s open plan office at work and I was absolutely petrified and unable to enter the office (I don’t normally work there so I don’t have to do it very often) until I asked someone to draw me detailed plan, with all the desks and who is sitting where. Then I was able to enter the office (but I’m still very uncomfortable there, even though I’ve been working for the same company for over 5 years)
2. I was supposed to go to the therapy sessions (I don’t go to therapy anymore as I was told by my therapist that I was being uncooperative) in the local library room and I entered the library and panicked, didn’t know what to do and run away after few minutes. Emailed the therapist and she said what I’m supposed to do next time step by step (go to the reception, say you’ve come to see me and so on) and next time I did this, no problem (still a bit uncomfortable though)
3. I’m unable to enter the restaurant by myself. I don’t go anywhere but sometimes I have to (work parties, like Christmas party) and I had to ask one of my coworkers to wait for me near the entrance (she’s left recently so I’m worried and anxious already about upcoming Christmas party). Once I’m sited inside I’m fine, silent and uncomfortable, waiting for party to end, but fine.
4. Basically I go into “panic mode” if I have to do anything, go anywhere, talk to anyone. Using public transport? I’m extremely anxious- how much does it cost, how long the journey will last, which stop is my stop, even which seat should I choose? Driving is even worse, nearly impossible when I don’t know the route and I’m not sure if there’s parking space available. I need to how much does the parking cost and so on. Every possible detail for every possible scenario.
5. I’m afraid to talk to people because I often mishear them or I’m not sure what do they really want from me and I start to be really anxious unless I know exactly what I’m supposed to say and what they supposed say. Or if I know that’s ok to be silent so I won’t feel pressure to talk.
Basically going anywhere and doing anything petrifies me unless I know exactly what to do because I’ve done that before in that exact place.
I need to be directed like a small child : go there and there , you’ll see this and that, say this and this, do this and this etc.
I’m suspecting some unspecified anxiety disorder?
I don’t know.
Learned helplessness?
With avoidant personality traits?
I don’t know if I’ve got some separate mental health issue.
Maybe I’m not autistic at all, maybe I’m just crazy (I do have issues with communication and reading people though)
Is there anything I can do about it? Exposure doesn’t help much because any change and I go back to square one and start flipping over. And then I’m aware of my weird behaviour and get even more stressed.
I don’t even know if it has anything to do with possible ASD or not. I don’t understand my own behaviour.
Ladybird said:I need to be directed like a small child : go there and there , you’ll see this and that, say this and this, do this and this etc.
Greetings. A short answer from Myself... as Bagpuss7 says about common autistic traits. & Keep "pestering" your GP or whomever, to get the Autism diagnosis. And meantime, collect evidence about Yourself and others about "weirdness", and during the assessment, be honest and state all such concerns/examples.
With regards to what I quoted there, for example, for Myself, in certain social situations, I ask what is expected to be accomplished - they give an answer - and I follow it to the letter... and the thing is, to remember and learn from all of that when it goes right or wrong, and be confident of what is *true*, in challenging if things go wrong despite following directions precisely!
(If they refuse to explain, or bully You, then persist in asking why.)
I have "Anxiety" Myself, all the time, even posting here. The thing is to start upon what You Yourself know how to do Best, and what is true, and build more and more in that knowledge. You know Yourself better than anyone else, no matter what anyone else who is not You says.