Association Anxiety - Is this a thing?


I wanted to address something which has practically affected me my whole life. I've not seen a term coined for this but the best way I can describe it is Association Anxiety - Quite literally having anxiety from Association to others.

I work in a public discount store, a job I am heavily ashamed of and resent being forced into from government benefits systems. I can handle it, despite believing I have Aspergers (I've been on  the waiting list for a diagnosis for over a year now...). I have very poor social skills, which leads me to being ostracised from work colleagues, after they spend time around me my social debilitations become more apparent and potential social relations break down. However, I can excel at dealing with customers as it is a small exchange and the topic of conversation is usually focused on something I can assist them with. What I cannot handle is when someone from the past who may recognise me, enters the store. All it takes is for a second of eye contact for me to metldown, serious panic attacks that destroy my day. The shame and self hatred I feel upon my self floods through my body and I try escape that location as quick as I can - I call this event 'An Encounter'.

Moments like these are what really bring this topic to affect my life. Upon making eye contact, I know that my identity is being established from this other person whom can identify me. This acknowledgement/association is the driving force of my anxiety. For I imagine now that that person has seen me, they built a perception of me which is shallow, false and shameful of me. This individual then has the power to spread this information around to other individuals which effectively diminishes my identity and well being.

I feel due to this complex I can never be open to the world, as I am currently ashamed of my job title and lifestyle. I resent the modern age, with social media. Before I even had such extreme insecurities, I never agreed with the concept - That of our generation being dependant on Social Media to maintain bonds, I felt  that if you did not keep active on online activity with an individuals bond would not be nurtured and the bond would weaken, which was my experience of most social communication within my time at University. I don't like the idea that my identity can be placed as a concept (A Profile), which other people have the ability to tarnish - Which for example, this individual who has seen me at work, at my lowest spot of my life could well do so.

So now I find myself very isolated, I can't lead myself to be open with people, nor maintain social bonds to my reluctance to participate on Social Media. I feel quite stuck as I feel the majority of people I meet are brought up to socialise in such a way and well, truthfully my social skills have deteriorated massively within the last 10 years. I'm not sure how to get past this Association Phobia

I hope I've addressed the topic well enough that it is coherent, I just feel this is a matter I really need help on. It goes beyond just social anxiety or having potential social debilitations with Aspergers as I feel it is destroying every chance I have when engaging with people at all.