Struggling

Hello everyone

This is just to get things out. I do not thing I specifically want/need anything. I am sorry that it is a post of frustration,

I have just started to calm down after a very difficult evening trying to sort out a problem with Natwest bank on the telephone after getting a letter from them. I didn't understand what they were speaking about or why there was a problem as it felt like I had done everything properly and I couldn't express my confusion and frustration and anxiety properly so I just shouted and cried and I have been feeling embarrassed and overwhelmed about it ever since.I know now I should have waited to show the letter I got to my support worker tomorrow but I am so desperate to convince myself and others that I can handle and do things on my own that I keep putting myself in these situations and then reacting badly. I wish my brain would learn/remember when situations like today happen. Everytime I try to contact somebody I don't know to sort something out on my own it ends badly. It makes me afraid to take part in the world or do anything because I never fully understand it and something bad usually happens. Phone calls are too immediate for me to cope with and emails/texts I take ages to respond because of the fear of opening, reading and then knowig what to say. Sometimes it is like I just freeze I end up doing nothing and I forget that the other person is a real person who contacted me for a reason and is expecting a response.

It does not help that I am also moving because of eviciton and I am struggling to process that and also I am having problems at work. I am feeling too scared to communicate with official company people, like banks and in shops, and I am scared of work/council/banks emailing me and caling me and sending difficult letters and putting pressure on me. I just wish there was an option to temporarily accept defeat and not have to worry about being expected to take part in the world. I really need a break. It has been one problem after another since last Summer. My meltdowns are more intense and longer and more in public places than before.

I feel traped at work but I can't quit my job becauseof money. I have used up all my sick pay and need to go back soon. I only work part time so I have universal credit but that itsn't predictable or reliable so it is scary for my work pay to change. At the moment the job centre only request to see me every two or three months. I do not want to put myself in a position where I get sanctions or extra pressure from the job centre. I am being redeployed by work and have so far struggled to take part in the process and feel like I am letting them all down and then getting more frustrated with myself. My manager has been excellent with me but I do not want to keep messing him around with sick leave and causing problems because I can't cope. I wish I could go to work, do a good job, go home, the same as everybody else.I applied for a job with an easy application form to make me feel productive but now I have a job interview next week and I am really anxious about it and I am in a bit of a mess because I have been scratching/picking on my skin including my face because of the anxiety which isn't the best thing for an interview. I do not feel in a good place to think about work or keep a job but after applying for lots of jobs in the past and always (apart from one time) being rejected without an interview I feel like I should go because otherwise I will be annoyed with myself that  had the chance to change my job and decided not to go and it could be a long time before I get an interview once I finally feel settled and ready. And then I also have the normal interview worries and what I should say and how to prepare. There is just no energy left. I wish I could accept there is no energy but when I do that I worry that I am being lazy or not trying hard enough so I end up putting more pressure on myself to try to do something to improve life. All the people who support me are very happy to help and want to do things, they are great, but I always feel like I should be able to cope the same as everybody else and do not need or deserve any help. Then when try to fix things on my own and it just makes me feel worse. I need to let people help me but it is so hard to let them in especially because at the moment I feel ashamed to exist and I want to be not noticed and alone and not bother any body. Too many people are expecting regular communication from me and to take part in different systems and can't keep up. I am overwhelmed. That is the best phrase I could use. I am currently completely overwhelmed by my existence on this planet, and the way I am expected to take part.

I really hope I am overthinking things right now. I possibly am. My GP referred me for psychotherapy to help with anxiety to see if it helps me sleep so that is positive. I am sorry to blurt it out so much but I feel better for doing it.

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