Published on 12, July, 2020
That's all it can be. Since the meltdown at work on Tuesday, things have gone from bad to worse. My manager has promised that I won't have to work around the two attack-dog colleagues for as long as necessary, and has arranged for me to see someone from the behavioural team once a fortnight. But I've lost over 3 lbs in weight, can't eat and can't sleep. My blood pressure has always been 'normal'. Now it's on the borderline between hypertension Stage 1 and Stage 2. My heart is pounding so hard that it's keeping me awake. My head is killing me. At work today, I was on edge the whole time. Just catching a glimpse of one of the culprits sent me running to hide. The last time I was like this was 20 years ago, when I was bullied badly at work and ended up being so sick that I wouldn't go out for weeks - and every time I saw a red car (the colour of the bully's car) I'd duck into shop doorways until it had passed.
It's like PTSD. I can't live like this.
I've got an appointment with my GP this morning at 9.30. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to say. I'll tell her what happened, and why it had such a profound effect on me - for reasons going back to childhood. The last time I felt as bad a I did yesterday at work was 20 years ago. I had a major breakdown after that. Then, in 2010, something similar which also led to a breakdown.
I have a lot of support at work - colleagues I get on with, support measures in place, an appointment next week with the behavioural support team. Yet none of it seems to compensate for the stress I feel each day going in, and my fear of bumping into this woman. And NT friend said 'Just ignore her and go about your day.' I wish I could. But I'm on constant tenterhooks. Even if it's a day when I'm unlikely to see the woman at all. And I need valium just to be able to walk up the road to the door of the place.
I don't want to lose this job. I don't want my position long-term to be called into question in any way. At the same time, I'm not sure I feel up to the stresses of it now. One side of me is saying 'Go in again next week and just see how it goes.' And then the other side of me is saying 'But what if it goes wrong again? What then?'
I just feel bewildered by it all. I don't like letting people down. I don't want to feel like a malingerer. They know I do a good job. If this thing hadn't happened, I'd be okay.
I guess I'll just see what the doctor has to say.
Hope your GP appointment went OK Tom and you were able to come up with a plan. So important not to push yourself too far too soon and to give yourself time to recover.
She signed me off for 2 weeks and said I should return to her at the end of that period for further assessment. I dreaded ringing my manager to tell her, but I did it straight away and she was fine. Said 'Get yourself better, and don't apologise.'
So... I can relax a bit. An Aspie friend said to me I should use the time and set myself goals to do a few things every day - like read, go for a long walk, go out for a train ride somewhere different. Keep myself engaged, but rest at the same time.
This afternoon, I'm going to sit down with a nice glass of weak whisky (1 part scotch, 10 parts water) and watch a film.
Husband has just bought this DVD for me as I'm sure I'm going to watch it lots of times. I must rewatch Fish Called Wanda - ages since I saw it but I remember laughing a lot. Clockwise was also quite funny, but stressful, as I have a real thing about punctuality...
I have it on well-worn DVD!
You can stream it from YouTube for £2.49. Or, if you search around, you can get it cheaper than that! It's very, very funny - and if you like Withnail, you shouldn't be disappointed.
In fact, you know... I'm going to watch it for the 31st time....
This is perfect Tom, thank you so much...
Is there such a thing as #FilmsOnPrescription? There should be!
I've watched 'The Big Lebowski' perhaps 30 times. It never fails to leave me a helpless laughing wreck. It's like a Raymond Chandler mystery on acid. Here's a short excerpt to perhaps whet your appetite...
The Big Lebowski - Jesus Scene
Thank you ()
Withnail and I is my second all-time favourite movie. The Big Lebowski comes first. Forget the plot. Just go with it. Either that or 'Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang'. 'Captain Fantastic', too. 'Sideways'? 'Little Miss Sunshine'?