Thinking in a loop

Hello. I think i may have aspergers but not sure. Im going to post sime thoughts feelings and experiences wondering if anyone can identify with them.

My first one then is i feel like my brain is stuck on a loop. Ive read a bit about it and am not sure if its in fact OCD. i made this comparison on another thread that its like a hamster going round on a wheel and as soon as it jumps off it is replaced as another one hops on. And so on. Sometimes there might be two hamsters or a previous hamster might get back on. (Hamsters being the thoughts). I have realised the tjoughts can be good or bad but are usyally negative. Depemding on the type of thought they can be analysed to the nth degree so that nothing is left unturned and all possibilities have been explored in my mind or, just going over and over and over like a record stuck on repeat

"Larger scale" thoughts identified over the past month or so have included...having children or not, pros and cons of this, the future of human kind and the planet, sustainability, pollution, driving cars and all the noise they cause, plastic, living without money, capitalism, putting it all in perspective by thinking how humans lived b4 capitalism, wanting to run off to tje beautiful Hebrides where its peaceful but how can i leave my mum and dad anyway its not practical. And, having attended a brief stint of CBT realising "hang on, these thoughts are not irrational. They are perfectly rational. This is MY reality." We are told to keep busy to distract us from ourselves and natural state of being which is wrong. We are not living naturally as human beings. This culminated in a panic attack as i tried to explain ALL of this to my partner.

Since i started back at work last week after the summer break this has now all been replaced with more "immediate" thought cycles of not being able to switch off, automatically going over and over things from work or them just popping in my head anytime. Im not sure if this is sensory overload due to changes at start of term and people keep speaking to me when i need quiet time and there just generally being more problems tjsn usual with my studenrs so i need to think more and interact more than usual. Alongside thoughts that after doing all my research and considering going forward witb a diagnosis that "i am being ridiculous if i think i have aspergers". The longer term thoughts are still there just not in the foreground. Maybe they are the hamsters queuing up waiting to get back on the wheel when theres an opprtunity to hop on.

It is neverending.

Can anyone else identify with having tjoughts stuck on a loop? I am generally an anxious person and am not syre if its anxiety speaking rather than an AS condition. Could this be an example of repetitive behaviours? I wont go into other reasons yet why i think i may have ASC.

Thanks

Parents
  • Welcome.

    I love your metaphor! I have definitely had a head full of hamsters my whole life, and that kind of perseveration of thoughts is something that I've always wished had an "off" switch (I hope you're not a musician, I want first dibs on the band name "Head Full of Hamsters"!) It certainly does get worse when I have to socialise more or encounter new experiences - anything where my brain can ask questions that don't have definite answers. That kind of inability to deal with ambiguity, and to ruminate or procrastinate endlessly about it, is very common for autistic people, from what I've seen.

    "I am being ridiculous thinking I have Aspergers" is a very common thought amongst people who are unsure whether they do, even when it turns out later that they definitely do; even years after my diagnosis, that hamster still jumps on the wheel every now and then. Your need for quiet time, and more so when inundated with expectations, is also a very common experience for autistic people.

    Whether these things are caused by anxiety or autism is a tricky problem even for many of us who are diagnosed. Living with autism presents many daily challenges which cause a lot of anxiety and exhaustion - it's not easy to know whether the rumination drives the anxiety or the other way around (I suspect a bit of both.) At this stage, I suggest that you join in here to get a sense of how much your personal traits fit the experiences of other autistic people, and maybe do some of the clinical questionnaires, to get a little more sense of how much you have in common. But whether you find commonality or not, there is something going on which is distressing you, so I suggest that you look for a diagnosis, whether it is Aspergers or not. But I would give it a little time so that you can cross that bridge a little more prepared; presenting evidence of autism to a non-specialist such as a GP can be tricky, so having a clearer idea of what behaviours are likely autistic will stand you in good stead.

  • Hi. I like your name! I understand what you mean about the ruminating. I feel it has got worse lately but i have experienced high levels of anxiety ongoing for the past 6 months so it all feeds in to each other. I know im generally like that anyway even when not in a highly anxious state. I do relate to anxiety as being the "default" setting though.

    You know ive been on this forum resding all sorts to try and get more of an idea. I feel that ive have totally overdone it on my research and posting on another thread i started now just feel like i need to have a breather from it. Ive overtjought everything with regards to if i have ASC or not and so now i still dont know... i ferl confused. I feel that the easiest way is to just switch off from it. But my Liane Holliday Wiley book is on its way so that might spur me on again.

    I talked to my partner about going to my GP. i went in march as was having funny turns and diagnosed with General anxiety disorder. I just feel like i dont know whats wrong with me or how to explain whats wrong. Im tired of thinking about it all. As for going to get a diagnosis thats something i need to prepare. Again im tired of thinking sbout it.

    I thought a while ago wpuldnt it be nice to just not exist for a bit to give myself some peace. I dont mean this in a morbid way but as to escape. To be in a dark room. Nothing to see. Nothing to hear. Nothing to think about. Just. Be.

    Like sleeping but concsious.

    I think this could be achieved but through lots and lots of meditation practise.

    Youre right when you say about quiet time when hit with inundated ecpectations. But isnt that the same for everyone? This is where i am struggling to differentiate. But im coming home from work exhausted. My partner says its all about how you deal with it. People deal with it differently. I think i internalise it until i get home cos theres nowhere to hide or get quiet time at work.

    Sorry if ive rambled on but this forum helps me get it off my chest to people who i think can umderstand. Btw im all for setting a band up with that name. First dibs on tambourine!

  • Id like to give another example. Whenever ive been socialising and come home, conversations, phrases, things said or not said or shouldve been said, or tine if my voice, their voicr play round and round. Thinking about how i came across. What they did, what i did. Embarrassing moments which were glossed over, points missed or picked up on later. Its worse when its not my close immediates. Or if its in a restaurant. Ir a new environment. Or if its a bigger group (i think 3 others is a good number. Anymore and i dont know when to interject or what to say. Or which conversation tp join. Sometimes i speak then it goes quiet like im good at killing the conversation!) I dont want to go.off on a tangent re social aspects on this thread.

    It could also be positive. I started an evening class a while ago and on my first session thrre was some banter with the tutor (instigated by him, we work for the same orhanisation but id never mwt him b4) wow i came home and couldnt switch off how well i did! The week after cue high anxiety after coming home and all those points mentioned above. Coming home and feeling empty, deflated, frustrated, really really down. Sometimes i couldnt speak to my partner. Like my thoughts had affecred me so much i couldnt speak. This continued for the next 8 weeks till the end of the course. I kept a diary on how i thought my difficulties could be down to ASC.

  • Re things not having a definitive answer but a range of possibilities....quite often if someone isnt happy with something i feel guilty automatically. Like its my fault even if its not related to me. Or sometimes i think it is related to me when it isnt. That happened yesterday so, driving home from work i thought about there being a "list of probabilities" its most likely it wasnt me that made them unhappy. 

  • Your words clearly express how I experience socialising in structured and unstructured environments too.

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