Published on 12, July, 2020
I am going through a rough time at the moment, but one of my biggest flaws is that I cannot ask for help or support, or even communicate what is going on.
Today I went to my GP as a last resort as I have been feeling suicidal and struggling with life in general. Due to the ways I express myself (flat, non-expressive) I think a lot of people fail to realise how serious things really are and this is compiled with me not being able to communicate the severity properly either.
I need the support from other people, but my previous experience of this from my family wasn't great, if anything I was left feeling a bit of a nut case and a burden.
I need to tell my partner what is going on without feeling judge or a let down (this is from experience), but I just can't. To make things worse he always asks me about how I feel, when as I have expressed in other posts, I'm pretty certain I have Alexithymia, so I don't know what I am feeling. The best I can explain is good, neutral or bad, which doesn't help anyone.
I am seriously considering handing in my notice in at my job tomorrow, but I don't know if this is the overwhelmed depressed me taking action, or the sensible logical me that is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel - either way I need support and guidance to help steer me.
Thank you to everyone for your posts. I have taken a bit of time out lately to assess what's going on in my life and how I am both perceiving it and tackling it.
I took your advice and wrote everything down, but didn't end up using in the way I thought with my GP. Instead I read/referenced it so I made sure I got all my main points across. It seemed to help although I still don't think the severity of the situation was fully realised, but it was better than nothing. My GP prescribed a course of Mirtazapine, which I was really skeptical about if I am honest as I have a long track record of not responding well to medication, with the most recent one being to Amitriptyline. Despite that though, the medication has really helped this time which is a relief as the night I published this thread, I was in a really bad place and struggling just convincing myself to carry on. The new medication has eased my anxiety, helped my sleep and helped with the depression.
Fortunately I didn't hand my notice in at work as I convinced myself this was the depression taking hold - this was the right and logical thing to do.
There is still a lot of work to do to get to where I want to be, but I am so thankful the medication is helping as I really thought there was nothing left for me that would ease things. I just hope it continues to work as I didn't realise how anxious I am all the time (even in my normal state) until taking them.
Thank you for sharing the Alexithymia test - I scored 156 (High Alexithymic traits) so I guess that explains some of my challenges without a formal diagnosis - something else to add to the list!
I will look at the forums as I am keen to find out more about this.
glad things are maybe feeling a bit easier for you