Lifetime Girlfriend issues...

Hi everyone, This is my first post on here, I’m looking forward to chatting with you all Smile I’ve tried to change my profile name but having technical issues, when I sort it out I’ll be called CarGuy.

I’ve recently self diagnosed after a lifetime of stress trying to deal with all social situations with my peers. Reading this forum has been so good, reading all these posts of people with exactly the same lifelong issues that I’ve had, I’m not the only odd one out :)

The most important to me is to have a relationship with a girl. I was quite a late developer, I wasn’t attracted to girls until I was about 15, just before that I was still into building treehouses and computer games! When I did though, I found it an even more extreme problem than boys, girls always seemed to find me weird and/or annoying.

After a few false starts I dated a girl when I was at college, aged 19. She was very pretty and very sociable, almost a social butterfly I’d say. I was flattered she wanted to go out with me and we started a relationship. It was massively tough, we had to constantly mingle with other people in social situations and I was absolutely put through the grinder emotionally. It made me feel totally inadequate and I spent the whole time dating her on “alert” with my senses on overload. All the time though, I didn’t want to lose her, this relationship was such a massive thing for me, as it was finally proof that I could have a relationship and I wasn’t a loser. Eventually though, I started to wear out mentally. I went into a huge depression, had 2 months off college where I could hardly get out of bed, my brain had ceased functioning. At the time I thought I will never be able to cope with a relationship if it was like this. We stopped seeing each other and although I felt like a failure, I gradually went back to being my normal single self, concentrating mainly on work, which seemed to make sense to me unlike people.

Over the next 18 years I kept trying relationships, and every time I just didn’t seem to click with the girls, just like people generally. I used to see them at weekends only, and was always pleased and relieved when they went home again, as I was just exhausted and needed my own space. After a while when they would mention going forward with the relationship, I would have to end it as I was already on my limit seeing them for weekends.

Then when I was about 37 and single, I started a friendship with a lady 15 years older than me. There was no physical attraction but we got on really well to the extent that we became best friends and literally started to do everything together. Cooking, cinema, running errands, watching TV, eating meals out. It was so good, I had never experienced anything like it in my life with anyone. I was able to spend time with her and not even need to be on my own to recharge.

Sadly after a while, friendship wasn’t enough, she was in love with me, but I wasn’t attracted to her physically. It was a desperate situation. The only person in my life who I have felt comfortable with was giving me an ultimatum to either be in a relationship or not see each other anymore. It was obviously perfectly understandable. I gave it so much thought but I just couldn’t pretend, I just didn’t fancy her, and I think the physical side is such an important part of a relationship.

So we went our separate ways. I’ve now started seeing someone else. I’m very attracted to her but it isn't the comfort level of my previous soulmate. I only see her at weekends and then pleased that she goes home, and then I can recharge. Mind you, even then it’s tough as she likes to talk to me for an hour every night on Whatsapp video which sometimes is too much for me. However, I have just told her about my aspergers and she’s been really interested and understanding, and is now trying to read all about it and see if we can make our relationship work.

So, I guess, I’m wondering if any of you have gone through this kind of thing, or any advice for me?

Thanks, Car Guy

  • Hello, I can relate to your problems with relationships. I’ve always been attracted to independent women who like a life of their own outside of the relationship. Your present girlfriend sounds like she is trying to understand and make the necessary allowances for your asperger’s. That’s a good sign. The best source of information for her is yourself. I know that some women like to keep constantly in touch during the early part of the relationship, and modern technology grants them many ways to achieve this. It can be tiring, but this is one of the things you could explain to her. Might be best to have a think about the most diplomatic to put it though.