Published on 12, July, 2020
And I'm frightened for my safety. For years I was treated like a little boy instead of the little girl I was. Just subtle little things, comments about my handwriting and my hair, from the age of about four, which were designed to condition me into believing I was male. For example, I was cast as a snowman in a Christmas play when the other little girls were angels, but that's only one example; you might think it sounds silly to remember something like this and give it any thought, but actually these things add up to something very sinister. Drip, drip, drip. They clearly wanted to do it subtly every day so I'd slowly come to the realisation that I was supposed to be male. And then I got my Asperger's diagnosis at 15, and that was the official YOU ARE MALE message. Since then, clinicians and teachers, and even close family friends, have drip-drip-dripped in comments about autism being an extreme male brain thing and all men being on the spectrum. I know these things are being proved more and more to be untrue, and the latter one is downright stupid, but that makes it even more worrying. They want me to believe I'm male rather than female. I don't know why. It is killing me from the inside.
I AM NOW MAKING THIS VERY CLEAR - I STRONGLY IDENTIFY AS FEMALE, I AM SO PROUD TO BE FEMALE, BEING FEMALE IS SO PRECIOUS TO ME, BUT VILE EVIL PEOPLE IN MY LIFE ARE TRYING TO TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME.
My parents say I'm being paranoid but they haven't walked in my shoes. I know the truth. Some people seem to believe me, thank goodness. I'm labelled a crazy girl so lots of people don't listen to me, but I know this has been going on. I have evidence. I want to talk to people from my past about this and ask them why they wanted to hurt me so badly but I'm going to university in September and I've got so many good things in my life right now, and I've got to stay out of trouble. I have to keep my head above water and just deal with this. I'm trapped. I can't confront anyone about it because they'll just say I need more medication, or try to tell me I can't do things. I have to suffer and no one wants to help. I feel so alone and so scared. I just want to be safe from this.
Has anyone else been through anything similar?
Hi Angel Cake, while I'm finding it quite understandable that it hurt you a lot I wonder if other people did actually notice this and if they really did it intentionally. All of your examples sound to me like they could just as well be the result of people not at all realising how this made you feel and never even giving it the slightest thought. I can come up with a fair few examples of that sort for myself too, but I've never looked at it that way. Given that you have a lot of positive things waiting and nobody has actually succeeded, even if they had any intention to make you feel like you are male, perhaps try to be proud of that and try not to worry too much about it now that you will actually be much more independent from those people? You are not in any doubt about your gender identity so far, there is not much of a risk that it's going to happen anymore now, is it, no matter how some people see you? And a "crazy girl" is a girl after all! Think there is far too much importance given to strictly distinguishing male from female people and roles anyway, but that's just my opinion.