Published on 12, July, 2020
I am currently in a position where I don't know what to do and I am feeling very very low.
The problems and stresses that I have been having at work have been getting worse and now it becoming more prevalent that my company is trying to push me out, bit by bit.
I don't live to work, but I put everything on doing a good job as that allows me to sleep at night and feel like I have a purpose.
Things haven't been great at work and there have been a number of circumstances as a result of people and pointless company policies that have prevented me from getting certain tasks done. As much as it isn't healthy, I come home and vent at my partner to try and figure out a way I can resolve it, but I know I am fighting a losing battle and it seems to be that I am being lined up since disclosing my diagnosis and have been having more time off and shutdowns at work.I hit the tipping point today where I nearly threw in the towel My boss accused me of doing nothing and not being organised or having a plan. This is after seniors constantly change their minds, causing me to have to rewrite the strategy documents and adjust budgets accordingly. No one will make a decision or even stick to one so I am left trying to figure out what the hell I am supposed to be doing as there is no guidance or support. In addition, the company constantly changes, moves my desk without warning, has new people coming and going like it's going out of fashion. I can't keep up and there is no logic to anything they do! I am currently wading through legal battles to try and get projects over the line and comply with upcoming legislation, but because no else can be bothered to do this, it falls onto me. In addition, because people can't be bothered to understand the details of a project, they often can't understand why something is being held up, so I am accused of complicating things, holding things up and being incapable of doing my job. I admit I am not perfect and I am not the easiest person to manage, but all this on top of making no adjustments for me at work has just become too much. On top of this, I have to attend a day long meeting off site tomorrow and they have booked my train tickets for me even though I said I would do this. They have booked it from the different stations I normally get the train from and have opted for the most convoluted route, that have multiple changes rather than a direct train, which is cheaper and quicker. In addition I have been told I have to go for social drinks with the colleagues afterwards, but I am in no fit state at the moment to deal with anything, especially work colleagues in a social environment!
I tried to tell my partner tonight that I can't do this anymore and I have had enough, but he accused me of giving in and letting them get at me. Again, I am told I am over complicating things, being too sensitive and just need to log things and get it sorted. Quitting is not an option apparently.
I'm too exhausted and too much at breaking point to keep this up. There is just too much change and too much going on in my life right now for me to make sense or sort things out. I have no space at home anymore and I rarely get time to myself. I am being accused of going on about being autistic even though I am trying to ask for help, which I find bloody difficult at the best of times.
Tonight I felt so low that I actually had suicidal thoughts and couldn't dismiss them as being stupid and over the top. This scared me and I don't know what to do to make people realise that I am on the verge of snapping. What must I do to show people I need help without them viewing me as weak, being over dramatic or an excuse to throw antidepressants at?
Reading your post sounded exactly like myself three years ago and brought back the memories of all of the feelings you describe, it's a horrible place to be and I agree with the posts above in that something has to change for you. You seem to recognise and know this yourself but I know it's a big step from 'knowing' you need to remove yourself from the situation and then actually doing it!
For me, the decision came when I'd gone beyond breaking point and it became a stark choice between carrying on like you're 'supposed' to do, not letting 'them' win, 'man-ing up' (and all of the similar so-called advice I received at the time) or walking away to salvage what was left of my health. I decided to rescue my health and I've never regretted it - despite being 'advised' that i would. Quitting IS an option, sometimes it's the best option.
I can never remember names so I can't attribute these quotes properly but I think they're useful:
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
"If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Then give up, there's no point being a damned fool about it!"
My boss at the time actually said to me when I quit, "But you can't just quit! What are you going to do instead?" I don't have the words to describe how good it felt to say, "Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all, that's the whole idea." Not because of some sort of revenge or anything on my boss, but because it actually felt as if I'd literally lifted a weight off myself to realise that I didn't HAVE to have a plan. I just took the time I needed to recover and repair myself. It IS time well spent. (Although my bank account hasn't fared as well as I have from the experience.)
You are right and we do put ourselves through repeated situations in the hope things will just change, despite the outcome being the same. I appreciate my work probably isn't the best for me at the moment, but I also think other things are contributing as well. I have looked at moving jobs, but I am so burnt out, I just don't have the energy to deal with them at the moment, on top of working.
I have decided that with my current health problems and numerous medical appointments on the horizon, moving jobs will probably be too risky, as a new employer would questions sickness and medical appointments and probably get rid of me as a result. For this reason I have decided to stay where I am and ask work to try and support me more. I aim to put some money aside, should things come to a head and I have to walk away. The aim is to try and address some of my medical complaints, get extra support and save so that I can be in a good position to move to a new job or look at other options. As always, it is easier said than done, but it seems the best option at present.
Well done for making the decision to walk away from damaging job. That takes guts to do, especially without a plan!