do we tell our son he has ASD?

Hi Sarah

I have to admit it's all worked out better than I expected. She has an appt with the paediatrician on Monday. Last one I didn't take her with me for fear that the almost inevitable new face (we never see the same paed twice in our area) wld spill the beans. But now I feel happier to take her with me and be able to discuss the total lack of support we've been given in front of my daughter. She has limited understanding of adult conversations so she may not pick up on it anyway. But I agree, it is a very tricky one. One more thing which may help, she goes to a youth club for kids with learning difficulties and it helped to be able to say "you know so and so, well he/she has autism too". Good luck. Let me know how it goes

Thanks Lindaloo, that helps. i have a feeling my son could end up doing that too...but i can never tell how he'll react to some things! i need to pick a good day....!

I have avoided telling my daughter because I didn't think she'd cope with the idea of having something different. But in the end she found a letter I'd carelessly left lying around which stated she'd been diagnoseed with ASD. She asked me what it meant, I explained in as simple terms as I could muster, she said OK then went back to her Facebook page. Was a lot less painful than I'd expected!

Oh no - he's going to hate the label!! But i'm going to try and get him to focus on the positives it brings for him, and encourage him to challenge the difficulties it causes him. be it trying to introduce himself to someone new, try and walk away from things that causes him distress (he isn't a classic case of flight or fight - he's very much fight then flight!). he tends to explode if he feels intimidated, lashes out then tries to run away (there are many stories!). Thankfully school is fantastic, and we have a risk reduction plan in place, which he also hates! He will also lash out if someone is on his little brothers case (aged 8). if he sees an injustice, he can't leave it, he has to correct everyone - very frustrating!

My point is,  i think the fact that he will hate the label, may help him want to try things i suggest in order to help him, so he feels it will help 'disguise' it, making him feel more 'normal' (i hate that word, but you know what i mean!).

i thought about how he's not going to like trying new things, so if i join him i think he'll feel like he's not alone. for example, i hate feet. so if i tell him i'll try touching someones feet if he will try talking to someone new, or going to a friends birthday party, it may encourage him. may not work...but it's worth a try! have you tried anything along these lines? and how does your son react when you suggest trying new things?

thanks for taking the time to talk to me...getting the diagnosis is a relief, but i find i'm constantly finding new questions!

take care :)

Thanks, SarahR, for such a lovely reply! I think you may well be right, that your son may find it a bit comforting to know the reason for his 'differences' and that it is not his fault at all. I don't know if he will view autism as a good thing in his life, as you suggest, but it certainly is a fact of his life from now on and if he is confident about your love and support, then at least you can face up to it and go from there. There are such a lot of hard times for our kids, but I think that if we show them that we will be brave with them and face the difficulties together, then they have more chance of developing confidence in themselves. Best Wishes to you and your boy! 

thank you so much for your comments. you're all right and i'm definately going to tell him as i think he deserves to know - it's his life after all!

 i'm thinking about going down the route of saying it's a good thing as without it he wouldn't be able to remember such interesting things about the things he loves (planes!!). he's capable of understanding what it's about, and is capable of recognising he finds it difficult to make/keep friends. he's often asked me with his head in his hands why he's so different :(. i just feel that once it's out in the open we can tackle it together and it won't be such a 'big deal' for him.

thanks again - and LizzyJ it's like we could be twins - that's exactly how i see it! :)

Please do consider telling your son about his diagnosis sooner rather than later. It is his business more than anyone elses and it could become a terrible 'secret ' that everyone else knows, except him. Our son was diagnosed with ASD aged 7 and he is now 11. We did not know how to broach the subject with him. We wanted to talk to our older son (then aged 10) and wider family and friends, but felt that our son should know first. We felt strongly that it was our duty as his parents to tell him, rather than him finding out from anyone else. It is a brave thing to do, to have this conversation that no parent would want to have with their child, but we want him to know that we support him and an important part of our support includes being honest. We initially had a fairly brief talk with our son, giving the name autism to explain some of the difficulties he has, around relationships with other children etc. I cannot say if this is a good approach for you and your family, but this has been our experience. Good Luck!

Definatly tell him, he would benefit knowing why he is different from other children rather that just feeling odd with no reason for it. My daughter knows she has autism and still asks why she isnt like everyone else, i tell her she is special, and special children/ people have autism and other disabilities, which she then tells me that she doesnt want to be special.

When i was young i was called wierd, i still am, i would have felt better knowing i was wierd for a reason.

I would tell him - I wish I had known at 11!

hi 

 i am in the same boat , my son is 9 and havent long been diagnois, we still havent told our son about it , i wont to find out more about  it myself and this site helps, Only my parents and the school knows, but the time will come when I will need to tell him I will be looking for some tips to do this.

Hi - there is some useful info on the NAS website on this which might help you. It's at:

www.autism.org.uk/about-autism/all-about-diagnosis/diagnosis-the-process-for-children/diagnosis-telling-a-child-about-their-diagnosis

Also there is a list there of useful books etc. Hope that helps!