How do I show my parents I'm sorry?

Hi Angel Cake,

How are you getting on with them? Was this more a general question or related to some specific "incident"?

Do you think they want you to apologise for being the way you are? It's possible that they wonder the same - how can we apologise to her for having "made" her in a way that is causing a lot of struggle. Not in the sense of having you treated wrongly (or maybe also that) but in the same way as they have given you the colour of your eyes and hair, your size and so on. This wouldn't make much sense because it's not their fault, just as it isn't your fault that you are autistic. Seeing you having issues other people don't have and not being able to do much about them, they would perhaps be quite sad if you apologised for who you are because they may rather want to help you.

That said, I think there can be situations where they would appreciate an apology and where it would be good for you to apologise. For example in case you get meltdowns and then shout hurtful things at them or something of that sort then it would perhaps help to apologise for it when you feel calmer again - not for the meltdown itself, but for perhaps saying something you don't really mean but were unable to control at that time. Parents on here say quite often that verbal abuse they get to hear from their kids really does hurt, even when they know it's a meltdown, so apologising may help, or explaining things more than apologising really. Do you think they know much about autism and what it means for you? From another comment you made it sounded like you have been diagnosed not so long ago, so they may not really know an awful lot about it yet, or focus on other problems. The same may apply to a number things they are not happy with and which you may do as a result of autism. You could simply tell them that something you said or did was not really what you meant to say or do but at that time you couldn't behave otherwise because the situation made you feel...

In case they have behaved in a way that suggests that they blame you, this may not really mean that they do or that they don't love you the way you are, they may just have been really frustrated about something they can't help you with, possibly in combination with being stressed about other unrelated things. They may be feeling left alone as well because of the lack of support you receive. Parents aren't always great at saying these things and do sometimes say rather mean stuff instead and get very angry without really meaning this, and possibly also without realising how much it hurts their kids (which isn't the same as not caring about it). Plus we may not always be great at interpreting them. If you are unsure, could you perhaps ask them? Not so much for the answer but to make sure they know how their behaviour came across and that you may need some reassurance. Maybe that's a silly idea, I'm just thinking that there could be a fair bit of misunderstanding going on between you.

Take care, hope you manage to feel safe with your family and that you are able to understand each other or clarify things if there is some misunderstanding.

Hi Angel Cake,

How are you getting on with them? Was this more a general question or related to some specific "incident"?

Do you think they want you to apologise for being the way you are? It's possible that they wonder the same - how can we apologise to her for having "made" her in a way that is causing a lot of struggle. Not in the sense of having you treated wrongly (or maybe also that) but in the same way as they have given you the colour of your eyes and hair, your size and so on. This wouldn't make much sense because it's not their fault, just as it isn't your fault that you are autistic. Seeing you having issues other people don't have and not being able to do much about them, they would perhaps be quite sad if you apologised for who you are because they may rather want to help you.

That said, I think there can be situations where they would appreciate an apology and where it would be good for you to apologise. For example in case you get meltdowns and then shout hurtful things at them or something of that sort then it would perhaps help to apologise for it when you feel calmer again - not for the meltdown itself, but for perhaps saying something you don't really mean but were unable to control at that time. Parents on here say quite often that verbal abuse they get to hear from their kids really does hurt, even when they know it's a meltdown, so apologising may help, or explaining things more than apologising really. Do you think they know much about autism and what it means for you? From another comment you made it sounded like you have been diagnosed not so long ago, so they may not really know an awful lot about it yet, or focus on other problems. The same may apply to a number things they are not happy with and which you may do as a result of autism. You could simply tell them that something you said or did was not really what you meant to say or do but at that time you couldn't behave otherwise because the situation made you feel...

In case they have behaved in a way that suggests that they blame you, this may not really mean that they do or that they don't love you the way you are, they may just have been really frustrated about something they can't help you with, possibly in combination with being stressed about other unrelated things. They may be feeling left alone as well because of the lack of support you receive. Parents aren't always great at saying these things and do sometimes say rather mean stuff instead and get very angry without really meaning this, and possibly also without realising how much it hurts their kids (which isn't the same as not caring about it). Plus we may not always be great at interpreting them. If you are unsure, could you perhaps ask them? Not so much for the answer but to make sure they know how their behaviour came across and that you may need some reassurance. Maybe that's a silly idea, I'm just thinking that there could be a fair bit of misunderstanding going on between you.

Take care, hope you manage to feel safe with your family and that you are able to understand each other or clarify things if there is some misunderstanding.