Managing Shutdowns

I'm sorry I couldn't join in today, seem to be becoming a bit non-lingual.  I was supposed to have a bass lesson this morning but when I got there no one was home.  I sent a message and came home where I hid on the sofa with my head under a cushion.  Think I've spent most of the last two days like that and I feel like I'm falling over a non specific edge.  One of my gardening people became ill with cancer several months ago and has been in a care home recently, I have a key to the garden door and have been continuing to look after it.  He died on Sunday and I only found out because I ran into the towns most talented house painter, who I run into at several houses, so we have odd conversations here and there.

I'm such an outsider but not alone.  I spend my days alone at the end of the garden but I haven't been able to paint for the best part of a month.  There is a massive crack in the pavement and I am falling down it.  I realised a while ago that I don't like the feeling of a shower on my skin, having showered for years because that's what you do, now I only get in the bath and bury my ears under the water.  I realise this is a non sensicle ramble but at least it is words.  The bleakness of Dartmoor would suit me just fine at the moment, only visited Exmoor once, Two Rivers - there's a real proper cotton rag paper mill there, I bought some it's possibly the best paper anywhere.  I'd happily live near Exmoor.  Have a good day tomorrow people. x

Hey there Spotty. I have sofa days too. It's not great but I need them. I'm trying to learn not to feel guilty about it and live with the "what do you do?question. Not easy. Unfortunately it's not uncommon with late diagnosis. I'm sorry about the loss of your friend and how you came to hear of it and the arrangements for your guitar lesson went awry. The gardening and painting projects sound good. One of the reasons I like the film Green Card is because of the garden room and gardening project they are doing.but I'm more of an appreciator of gardens than gardener. I replanted some rasps canes but they are a disaster and my sweet peas are all bunched and scrunched up .. don't know how I managed to get so many flowers! I have to pick brambles today. I have become incearingly non- lingual. Even to the point of finding it excruciating to ask someone to pass something at the dining table ( if I happen to be with people) mostly I eat alone. Yep I discovered to my surprise recently I sometimes find the shower unpleasant it's like needles shooting out at me onto my skin, sometimes it's worse than others. Hand basins are great but not as satisfying. The paper mill sounds interesting I think it's at Wookey Hole at Cheddar gorge that I saw one. I was fascinated. I have seen it hand made at home too using a liquidiser and experimenting with different things to put in it .. a bit too thick to write on but fun. Sounds like we're all in need of some green space  and welcoming faces right now. 

Take care Spotty and I hope your ex colleague meet up goes well elephant

Hey there Spotty. I have sofa days too. It's not great but I need them. I'm trying to learn not to feel guilty about it and live with the "what do you do?question. Not easy. Unfortunately it's not uncommon with late diagnosis. I'm sorry about the loss of your friend and how you came to hear of it and the arrangements for your guitar lesson went awry. The gardening and painting projects sound good. One of the reasons I like the film Green Card is because of the garden room and gardening project they are doing.but I'm more of an appreciator of gardens than gardener. I replanted some rasps canes but they are a disaster and my sweet peas are all bunched and scrunched up .. don't know how I managed to get so many flowers! I have to pick brambles today. I have become incearingly non- lingual. Even to the point of finding it excruciating to ask someone to pass something at the dining table ( if I happen to be with people) mostly I eat alone. Yep I discovered to my surprise recently I sometimes find the shower unpleasant it's like needles shooting out at me onto my skin, sometimes it's worse than others. Hand basins are great but not as satisfying. The paper mill sounds interesting I think it's at Wookey Hole at Cheddar gorge that I saw one. I was fascinated. I have seen it hand made at home too using a liquidiser and experimenting with different things to put in it .. a bit too thick to write on but fun. Sounds like we're all in need of some green space  and welcoming faces right now. 

Take care Spotty and I hope your ex colleague meet up goes well elephant

You can only delete your own postings though...before you get creative! Lol

If you click on the 'more' button...you can choose to edit your comments or deleted them....you can only delete them though if no one has replied to them :) 

Ha Ha!

How do you do that? 

I deleted it :-)

Oh I see.. silly me! Didn't think of that 

I didn't think it would get past the moderators for long. lol!

Where's the other one one gone with xxxx in it? 

Me too!

Love it.. excellent! 

Thought of the day...

Well yes the combination of workaholic, illness and death  of someone you know , being in limbo regarding diagnosis and the learning curve/realisation of it all.. a lot to take in. Not every one is clear cut case and so the what if I am / what if I'm not/ and what am I if they say I'm not questions swish about. The first team assessing me just left me feeling bewildered but the Dr who diagnosed me was great, experienced and very kind. So I hope you haven't much longer to wait. It does sound like you need a break. Don't feel under pressure to go to the funeral or carry on maintaining the garden. Probate and house sales can take a long time. Yes I agree.. the posts about parents and families make me feel sad too. There was hardly anything known in my childhood , there is a lot of information now but still so many people of all ages struggling, not getting screened or knowing where to get help. I will give my raspberries another chance! I was going to dig them up. Take a break somewhere if you can to give yourself a breather if you can muster the energy to arrange it. 

It is nice to know that you have kind people around you, nut please try to be kind to yourself.

as you have said in your post...,you are telling yourself to shut down, recover and rebalance yourself....you also seem tired and over empathic to the suffering of others....,,why it's that heightened when we ourselves are in pain? Is that projecting? Mirroring?....trying to, as always, identify and connect with others..  ,or you own self control mechanism of trying to seek out those you perceived as having a worse tine that you.....are you buttoning up and rationalising where you are out.

i really feel for you at the moment....,thinking of you x

Hi Misfit, I am trying to forgive myself over the sofa black hole scenario but you are right, it isn't easy, but realising that I'm running on empty and stopping for a bit is really the only solution.  I've been an artistic workaholic for the last eighteen months so maybe I just need a break.

The death of my garden client is a weird one, it wasn't unexpected and he was in a lot of pain but it is still rather sad.  I also do his friends garden and saw him today, he said I was welcome to attend the funeral, I half feel like I ought to but don't think I can face it.  They also expect me to continue looking after the garden until the house is sold, apparently he hasn't left it to anyone and has no relatives.  I find it kind of weird being there now he has gone and dread how long it might take for the house to be sold...

I love Green Card too, once wrote a kind of poem inspired by the fish in the pool.  My Step Father is a keen and knowledgeable gardener with a lot of fruit, he lost all his raspberries this year, something to do with the weather, so I don't think it was you.

I can remember that feeling of pain on being required to speak, it's awful, thankfully I haven't got quite that bad yet and I hope it eases for you. I think I'm bouncing around in all those phases of grief that have been mentioned and it's hard to feel there can be any resolution without an official diagnosis as the 'fraud' mentality creeps in.

I keep reading posts too from parents who are having a desperate time trying to get their children diagnosed and being treated badly by the so called professionals.  It's very sad to learn that depending on where you live some things haven't improved since we were kids.

Hope your day is going ok and the sun is making an appearance.