I am a teacher and hold several degrees and have always found working/employment challenging and have had more than 25 jobs since I was 16. I was bullied through school, college and university, I did not know how to have friends and did not see why I needed them - I still don’t. I lived in the library as a child and taught myself to read at age 2.
When I started school, I was embarrassed in the first year, and wet myself several times, as when I was told I was not allowed to go toilet, I thought it meant the whole day. I loved the structure of the lesson, but hated playtime, break time and lunch time. I did not know what to do so would stand near the door waiting to go in. I was told off many times throughout my first year of school for things I did not understand. I was even reprimanded when I completed a maths test and I was correct in all the answers, except the last answer – supposedly. You see the teacher had calculated the answer (back in the day the teacher would work the answer on the ‘blackboard’ – Not PC today) but it was incorrect – but my answer, I calculated was correct. However, halfway through my explanation, the teacher was adamant I was not, she sent me outside to look at the wall to teach me to ‘listen to the teacher’– I did –through break; I welcomed it. I enjoyed and intense relationship with television for an entirre year (not sure about the attraction at the time) and could recite every programme that was coming on for that day. My family thought it was a great trick and would ask me to do it for family and friends. I pretended I couldn’t do it anymore. But you would find me one minute before my favourite programmes ready and waiting, rocking excitedly.
I was and still am a loner, even today, can spend days inside. I suffered with what we would now call OCD and as young child of the 70s; I was ridiculed, laughed at and, inevitably bullied. I had a poor sense of bearings; sometimes I got lost as a child and would wander around, not knowing where to go - even in the school I was at for over 2 Years. Many times I would go to college and get lost on the way home. I never told anyone when it took me 2 hours to get home from a 20 minutes bus ride (It was the 80s then, we could still get away with a few hours before anyone panicked when we did not get home at a particular time). When I do travel, even today, I need my SAT Nav, as I will be lost most days, even though I have travelled to the same place for days, months and at times years. I dreaded starting new schools while teaching, as it would take years before I knew my way around alittle, but most of the time I would ask a student - the look is always priceless, but they just think I am old.
It was not until my early 30s, when I settled with the one person who worked hard to understand and eventually got that this was me - I had I found solace. We are still together today.
There are many things that dominate my life today, some of which are the inability to keep still, I constantly rock, I am unable to recall names and faces (I have been teaching for years, and still I find it difficult to put faces to names and have a complex routine that I keep to myself that I do before and after a lessons). I have been accused of ‘snobbery’, ‘blanking’, ‘Ignoring’ or the classic, ‘why do you pretend you don’t know me’. I lose sight of the world when working, and I have an intense stare – I programmed myself at an early age to look into eyes, my stare is therefore intense but it ‘jars’ as my students have stated. I need distance from people, I need to re-group daily, I don’t go out, hate shopping for clothes and wear the same ‘uniform’ every day. I wear hand me downs if it means I don’t have to go out to buy anything – gender not a problem. I clean, tidy organise to the nth degree.
But all this – my past, behind the scenes - is me no one sees - to the ‘outside world’ I am confident, hardworking, intelligent, insightful and sociable. You see, I have created the most elaborate of masks that have healed me from the challenges of my early life, and I can walk into a room, smile, nod in the right places and wait for the correct cues, and be social, jovial and a great host or colleague. But, I get exhausted doing this day in and out, I am always waiting for the cues, the clichéd statements, the sigh in a conversation to say it may be ending, the pause to denote it is time for me to speak, or to concentrate on answering the questions and not going off at a tangent. I need to ensure that I leave early, as I don’t like talking with people when I go home. When I do, I am wired, I need to shower, bathe, or something to cleanse. I go over conversations and my answers, my behaviour, and then ensure that they are tweaked for next time. My brain never switches off. I sleep 4-5 hours a night, but can go 3 days without so much as a nap.
I have suffered with work related stress, as I would do all the work I was given to do, and not contend it. It was my need to do it when asked; I just did it. It is a dangerous place to be when a senior member of staff figures you out and plays that tune to perfection. I have worked seven days a week 8am -7pm at one job for a whole year before I was fried. I don't remember sleeping then or even going home during that period in my life.
So, now here I am tired, and I went to my GP to start the process for an official diagnosis as my son was diagnosed with AS.
I was seen by a ‘Consultant’ for 30 minutes, with no prior knowledge of me, no personal data, I did not even take a basic test. He did not ask any questions about my childhood or routines, only my current life. He then stated, ‘Why do you want to know now? You are settled, living life, why change that for something that could be left alone? Focus on your children and husband.’ He then stated I had Personality Disorder when I contended his ‘professional opinion’.
I wrote a damning letter to my GP who asked me if I wanted a second opinion. I am therefore in the process of trying again. I just wanted to know if anyone who is has been recently diagnosed, felt like I have throughout their life or even remotely experienced something like I have? Anything will help – thank you.
UPDATE: 13.07.17
Received a second referral letter from my GP. I have opted to go private and though controversial my GP agreed with my choice. He said to use a Psychologist and not Psychiatrist and ones that are established, reputable, registered and quite possibly working in their own practice, as there is a great difference in price. Being someone who does not take things at face value, I called around and yes, the price difference was startling. The first phone call to a practice, where I would be seen by a Psychiatrist would cost me £900.00. That was the general cost for the second and third call. I then called several Psychologists and the highest quote for the initial consultation was £175.00 with a follow up if still required, £139.00.
I booked an appointment for August with a Psychologist and will update on the outcome of that meeting.
