Hi, I hope this is an appropriate place to post this, I need to get it off my chest and ask how other people have coped.
I was diagnosed with ASD in May/June 2016, after having gone through an increased period of difficulty and mental health anguish due to my work situation in 2014-15-16.
Work Backstory:
I was hired in 2012 by an outdoor retail company, and the store I worked in in Winchester was very laid-back, I managed quite well because it was usually quiet and there weren't very many employees and they were all lovely, and the management team were very supportive (I only worked 20 hours a week as well). This store unfortunately closed down in 2013 and I was moved to a different store in Southampton, a busier more technical store. I was there until early 2016.
During my time in the second store I had three different managers who all had very different management styles. The first store manager I had there was again lovely, and really supported me and promoted me to supervisor (took me off the shop floor more often which was great). The assistant manager was difficult, he had a clique with the other supervisor (who got the fulltime role too), and I never got on with him, but it was okay because the SM was great. My second SM there was also great, gave me lots more hours after I had to come back after reducing my hours so I could try another job (officework for an NHS department, had a complete breakdown because I couldn't understand anything, they didn't even train me).
Then I got my third SM in 2014. She had been a manager at another company store, and we had all heard rumours about how difficult she was to work with (I did think she was also possibly on the spectrum). We got on okay at first, I think because I just kept my head down and did what she asked. She promoted me to supervisor again, and basically had me pinned down as an "ally" against the new AM and the other supervisors. She had created a tense situation and ill feeling because she promoted people who hadn't been in management roles before, and did not train them. She then expected them to do a lot of work in a very small amount of time, while having to serve customers as well (we never had a big enough team in store, it would usually be five/six max, over two floors, and even if we had a delivery, which two people had to take in for theft reasons).
After going through two new AMs she promoted me to assistant manager, and it felt like she just kept piling on the work. She would leave small essays of work for us to do on her days off, and chastise us for everything we hadn't been able to accomplish. She started getting the supervisors in trouble, giving them disciplinaries and warnings (keep in mind they still hadn't been trained). It was all made worse because she wouldn't actually tell them they had done something wrong, she would go straight to HR instead.
I was almost on the verge of a breakdown because of the pressure, and the fact that I hadn't worked so much for most of my life (usually 20 hours or less a week for when I had worked). I was earning a lot more money though, and because of debts and having been homeless previously (that's another story), I felt I had to put up and shut up. My partner was also in uni, and we had just moved in together, so I wanted to keep us afloat.
I was waking up in tears most mornings, spending 10 hours a day away from home, standing for 8, five days a week, most weeks working more than 40 hours and not getting paid for it because I was "salaried". I would spend the evenings playing Minecraft and not communicating with anyone, sometimes not even my partner. I was on anti-depressants which I think kept me going, but I was heading for a fall.
In late 2015 my SM got there first. She went through a breakup and it completely floored her. She took six weeks off. During that time I was running the store, with little help from anyone else in the company, in the run up to Christmas. I had to hire people, which I had never done before, and deal with other difficult colleagues, which I could not handle. She came back in December, Christmas happened.
After she came back she piled on more pressure, because she thought that I was not performing adequately (I probably wasn't, because I was so depressed and unhappy). I found emails on the shared office computer between her and HR, detailing in essay form all my perceived failings and everything I had done wrong, and she was requesting that I be disciplined. I just gave up trying to please her is really what happened.
In early 2016 I went on sick leave for four weeks, which really hacked her off. She felt that I had done it deliberately, and when I came back I found more emails about it (for context, she once gave me a late slip for being a minute late onto the shop floor). I also arranged to move to another store and step down to supervisor, which she decried as being done behind her back (apparently I needed her permission). She kept me until April, longer than I wanted to be there.
I got my diagnosis after moving to the new store. It was a good atmosphere for me, laid back like the first store had been, but I had....I guess PTSD is a good word for it. As it was still the same company my old SM would call the store, asking for cover and other help. I would get really anxious about being told off for not doing something, or doing it wrong.
I was with the third store until it was earmarked for closure a few months ago, which really upset me, as I had gotten to know my colleagues and my new SM was very supportive with my diagnosis. They offered other positions, but I was so exhausted and emotionally drained that I decided redundancy would be better for me.
End Backstory.
That was about two months ago now, and because I can't budget, all the money is gone (although it wasn't a large amount to begin with, a week's wage for every year with the company). I've never had a career, the first two jobs I had, retail and schoolwork I got because of family members, and they weren't many hours. I moved to Hampshire because of a boyfriend, but due to my mental conditions I had a lot of trouble getting a job. I was a cleaner, and then I was fired because I wasn't quick enough, worked at Argos for three hours a week and volunteered at Oxam, but had many months and days where I did not work, where I couldn't really do anything because I was incapable.
Because I was only recently diagnosed, I've pushed myself before to work, because people have told me that that is what I should do. I've ended up even more depressed, my memory is bad (I forget to turn off the oven, blow out candles etc), my partner does all the housework because I have no energy, my mind is usually a blank. I present as a person without ASD, people have told me they would never have guessed I had it. I put off a lot of things because I can't handle them, like applying for jobs. Filling out application after application stresses me to the point where I want to crawl into bed and never wake up (I sleep too much as it is). I don't like interacting with people I don't know, but can put on a personality which I've developed for retail (that took many many years of being perceived as surly), but that drains me.
I was hoping to rely on another income stream (working from home), but that hasn't materialised, and I've become more depressed because it hasn't worked. I've always viewed benefits as a last resort, but have had to claim JSA a few times, and Housing Benefit at one point. I've looked into what I could claim because of my disability, but I'm terrified that I'll be perceived as not qualifying (looked at the PIP points and graded myself, depending on the day I think I score between 8 and 10).
I just don't feel that I can even look for adequate work, let alone actually work. All my life I've had to be pushed into working, and often its been completely unsuitable and cost me precious energy.
And after that extremely long post I come to my point; how have other people felt about applying for PIP? How have you found the process?
I've already read many accounts of how badly the process can go, even for those with a more obvious disability, and I'm really scared and just feel hopeless with worry.
And sorry for the long post.