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Advice please - undiagnosed adult relative being cared for by aged parents

squeezelt

I am new to this forum and just taking first steps to try to resolve a very long term issue in my family.

My aging parents have been caring for my older brother (now 51) for all of his adult life. He lives with them, is supported by then financially, practically and emotionally. He has always had difficulty holding down a job, he has no social relationships at all and suffers from impulsive and aggressive tendancies. However at the heart of it is a very kind hearted, unhappy and lonely person who aspires to being successful and leading a normal life. However often has very dilluded, unrealistic and obsessive ideas about life.

My parents have affectively being doing everything they can to protect him from the outside world for years but as they are now in their 80's and in ill health I am concsious this situation can not and won't continue for ever. My other sibling and I have tired for years to get everyone to bring their heads out of the sand and deal with the situation openly and practively but there is clearly a generation gap and a lot of pride and embarassment involved on their part. My elder brother I fear is part of the generation gap that missed childhood diagnosis and support for what is clearly an autism spectrum behavioural trait (I have friends who work in this field who have also identified this in him). However no one has ever had this discussion with him and Im not sure he would ever be receptive to any form of diagnosis. He does get very aggressive so we tend to all tread on egg shells around him.

A recent very aggressive (verbal and physical) incident with him towards me has forced me into trying to address this situation now. However I am fighting an uphill battle with parents that don't honestly want to deal with it (or don't have the energy or emotional strength). However I am sure there must be many adults living in a similar situation who maybe have never been diagnosed or have benefitted from diagnosis in later life. I am sure there must be support groups or practical help for those living in similar situations but I have absolutely no idea where to start. I just want him to be happy and secure in future life when my parents are no longer around and I want to prevent them for dealing with further stress now if we can use the next few years to support him to become self sufficient and have a wider support network of people he can relate to.

Any advice on where to go to get further support of tips and advice which may help either him, my parents or myself would be so very much appreciated.

With many thanks

Parents

  • Squeezelt, you could be describing my situation (in fact I am wondering whether you are my sister) My brother is 51 and has been protected by my parents (mostly my mother) for years, my father is more realistic but my mum has always made excuses for my brothers problems/behavior.

     A number of recent occurrences has led me to raise the issue again with my parents and they are more receptive now to trying to get a diagnosis - so at least when they are not around there is a reason for my brothers behaviour which I hope will, if necessary lead him to support rather than get in trouble.

     In my research and speaking to various helplines the one thing that has come over clear is that my brother (and yours) will somehow have to be persuaded to take the first step and visit a GP for a referral.  The way I am going to approach it is by making a huge list of the benefits of diagnosis (possible support/welfare benefits/understanding - by the authorities/wider community etc) and another list of the potential future problems without a diagnosis.

     It will be an big uphill battle to get him to acknowledge that he even has any issues, never mind discuss them with someone, but I hope that eventually he will accept that it may be in his interest to get a diagnosis.  I wish you well in your desire to assist your brother, and would be interested in knowing how you go on if poss? Xx

Reply

  • Squeezelt, you could be describing my situation (in fact I am wondering whether you are my sister) My brother is 51 and has been protected by my parents (mostly my mother) for years, my father is more realistic but my mum has always made excuses for my brothers problems/behavior.

     A number of recent occurrences has led me to raise the issue again with my parents and they are more receptive now to trying to get a diagnosis - so at least when they are not around there is a reason for my brothers behaviour which I hope will, if necessary lead him to support rather than get in trouble.

     In my research and speaking to various helplines the one thing that has come over clear is that my brother (and yours) will somehow have to be persuaded to take the first step and visit a GP for a referral.  The way I am going to approach it is by making a huge list of the benefits of diagnosis (possible support/welfare benefits/understanding - by the authorities/wider community etc) and another list of the potential future problems without a diagnosis.

     It will be an big uphill battle to get him to acknowledge that he even has any issues, never mind discuss them with someone, but I hope that eventually he will accept that it may be in his interest to get a diagnosis.  I wish you well in your desire to assist your brother, and would be interested in knowing how you go on if poss? Xx

Children
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