Published on 12, July, 2020
So since I was young I always knew I was different. I didn't start talking until a lot later than other kids, I always struggled with social interactions, and there are a great many reasons why I recently have come to the belief that I have always had aspergers (I'm a 27 year old man to provide context). As I have got older I have learned many of societies rules, and I think I actually function pretty well now, at least on the outside, on the inside I feel like I am constantly managing an array of filters, filtering what goes in (at least trying to) and filtering what goes out so I don't inadvertently offend or upset someone. It's tiring...
Anyway, I realise that what I am doing most likely isn't helpful, but I feel I have to do something. I think I've become a bit obsessed with Aspergers, I've read a load about it and watched hours of videos, I always do this, when something interests me I spend hours studying it, I can't break out of it, it's like I'm drawn to it. It's one of the many things that makes me think I have Aspergers, but now it appears that Aspergers is the focus of my current obsession.
The issue is that now I have studied things I have reached the point that I am almost totally convinced I fit the bill, so much so that I now make most things fit, I can't be sure that this is what I am doing, or if things actually do fit and I'm just recognising it, I also have a problem where when I believe something I can find a tremendous amount of supporting evidence, I have done this before and later been proved to be wrong, so I accept that is a possibility in this instance.
Does anyone have any advice for me?
Thanks for your reply Alexander.
I think I have found myself, what disapoints me is that a lot of people aren't prepared to accept that. It isn't everyone, I am married now and my wife is very understanding and helpful, although I do wish sometimes I was more emotionally available than I am. I don't express emotion very well, and I can come at things from a very cold and clinical angle, which can be helpful sometimes, but in emotional situations often doesn't go down all that well.
I have a job, I need to put on an act there, I tried being myself before in previous jobs and it hasn't gone very well for me. With my wife's family I have to try and mask myself so they don't dislike me. I don't want everyone to be my friend, but in certain situations having people like you makes life easier.
I appreciate your take on things, thank you.
Forest