How can you tell when someone isn't being genuine?

Some times questions are an exchange of pleasantries.  

After all you wouldn't want this person to know your families personal business.

So you would answer their  good.  Without going into detail. 

That conversation might go differently among close friends or when having a moan about your family where their not going to see it or hear it.

Star

Sir_Dood said:

To be honest, the way aspergers syndrome affects me socially is weird - so maybe my experiences will be helpful to you, maybe they wont.

 The way i see conversations and comments is similar to a staged performance - I don't care what anyone has to say to me, nor am i interested in how their day is or if they want to know how mine is, because the fact of the matter is, nobody is interested in that, whether they are "normal" or "different" (as we are so often distastefully labelled).

  People are inherently vane (it is an undeniable/unavoidable human trait). So i wouldnt be concerned with whether something they say is genuine or not - just play along and act like what they have to say is interesting, and nudge the conversation in their direction so that they talk about themself (this will work on anybody, it's the vanity thing) they will talk for ages and feel like they are having a nice conversation with a nice person, they will genuinely like you for it, and you wont even have to say much.

After that, do you really need to concern yourself with whther someone is being nice to you genuinely, when they are already forming a liking to you?

I understand what you say but disagree that it's the same with everyone. If i have bonded with someone then I am genuinely interested in some things, important things. I am not good at chit chat conversations, my mind wanders, I cannot help it. Things distract me too much, but with important things I always try to find solutions. I deeply care about my children and most of the time I listen but even then I have things swimming around my mind and become overwhelmed at times. I hope they both understand, it's not something I can help. It's just me. I do try to listen but I would also say I care about their day and how it went. I want to help if they have troubles. 

I always seem to go the wrong direction. I don't like to just chat. Honestly, I'd rather be working then go home and talk about it all with my hubs.We have substantial conversation. All of this blah blah is irritating. I think I'm going to take both of your advise. I'm going to assume everyone doesn't care so I'll just give one word answers and when I do end up in a stupid conversation, I'll try to push the conversation back on them so they are doing all the talking! Thank you!!

To be honest, the way aspergers syndrome affects me socially is weird - so maybe my experiences will be helpful to you, maybe they wont.

 The way i see conversations and comments is similar to a staged performance - I don't care what anyone has to say to me, nor am i interested in how their day is or if they want to know how mine is, because the fact of the matter is, nobody is interested in that, whether they are "normal" or "different" (as we are so often distastefully labelled).

  People are inherently vane (it is an undeniable/unavoidable human trait). So i wouldnt be concerned with whether something they say is genuine or not - just play along and act like what they have to say is interesting, and nudge the conversation in their direction so that they talk about themself (this will work on anybody, it's the vanity thing) they will talk for ages and feel like they are having a nice conversation with a nice person, they will genuinely like you for it, and you wont even have to say much.

After that, do you really need to concern yourself with whther someone is being nice to you genuinely, when they are already forming a liking to you?

illneverbeold said:

Then why don't they just ask what they want? It is such a waste of time to hem haw around asking about things you don't care about. I have a coworker who does this all the time, it's annoying because I KNOW she doesn't really want to know anything. What a stupid unwritten social rule. lol Small talk is the biggest waste of time.

I totally agree. It means nothing most the time. A complete waste of talking really.

Then why don't they just ask what they want? It is such a waste of time to hem haw around asking about things you don't care about. I have a coworker who does this all the time, it's annoying because I KNOW she doesn't really want to know anything. What a stupid unwritten social rule. lol Small talk is the biggest waste of time.

I sometimes (well most of the time if truth be known) think it's small talk and someone asking that (depending if you class the person as close to your family) would not really care how your family is.....if you see what I mean. It's often just small talk to get a conversation going that way. 

If you went into real detail about how your family is really and told them any troubles your family was having would they "really" be interested or try to get away asap. I can't help but think like this. It can also often be just a way for someone to ask for something from you too because it starts a conversation off whereby they want you to "think" they actually care. 

Just my warped mind I guess!!???

Do you think people would consider it rude if I asked if it was a genuine or superficial comment? Like this lady asks me how my family is, but I'm not sure if she wants to engage in conversation or if she's just being superficial and trying to make small talk. I normally assume when someone asks me a question it is to engage in conversation.

Having made earlier post, one rule that tends to work for, is to never trust any cold callers at the door or over the phone. I am sure there have been occaisional times where this has not worked, but on the whole it has been reasonably reliable.

Another one is to try and find if anything you are being sold is commision based. Financial services are fairly bad at this, I believe it should be made illegal for financial services to earn commision from recomendations.

On a more general note, I always listen carefully about how someone talks about other people. If they put down or talk negatively about someone else when they don't show consideration or any concern about them; there is a reasonable chance they are talking the same way to others about you

Random

Hi,

I've come to the conclusion I can rarely trust anyone; I guess that stems mostly from my bad experiences in childhood. My mother was taken advantage off by several people who she thought were close friends. That's only the ones I know about, she was not open to discussing things that was troubling her. When she past away, I was angry that these people took advantage of her kind nature.

Similar to bullying as a child, these people seek out to spot vulnerabilities in others and exploit them. In past there was a time when I was wealthy, but didn't want to appear like that because I didn't want to be taken advantage off.

Tom, I remember you discussing the situation with your godparents, I am angry at that behaviour. Reading your post in this thread, I wonder if you have a case to report this as fraud. I feel it is likely those people have taken advantage of others, and although the police may not be able to do anything about it, it could expose their activity. You can also contest a will, I have a situation with my siblings over my mother's will. Citizens advice might be a good place to start.

Random

I feel this was difficult for me when I was younger.  I got let down  lied to often. Stolen from e.t.c

We can't be 100% sure about anyone.  There are some people who can keep up a fake persona for a length of time.

 Plus we are different with different people.  The way you talk to your parent is not the way you are with your siblings or at work.

You don't really know someone until your sick or in trouble.  Their response tells you if they are friend material.

Other then that context.  I have got use to not trusting people.  It's easier this way.

Would have liked to find straight talking people who have respect for themselves & others.

I can't stand people who manipulate Others.  When I was making an effort to be social.  I would observe others & talk to those who treated others with respect.  

I feel how people treat Children elderly the vulnerable is an indicator of if they have some humanity about them.

 Those who can show respect for those who's views/morals lifestyle-differ to theirs.

How they relate to their family ?  Feel a bit odd writing that as not that close to mine.

I have been told I'm very simplistic in my views.  Because I see no need to mislead or deliberately hurt someone.  

Don't be to open as some will see this as vulnerability.

I'm sorry, but I do know how you feel. I had so very many times I was taken advantage of. I'll never have good credit all because of stupid decisions and putting trust where I should never have. It really was so obvious to others that I was just getting ripped off.  I naturally want to believe people are genuine but I know I'm blind to it. Sometimes people say how they want to get to know you and be friends, but they are just being nice. It is so hard to understand why people choose to be so superficial. Why not just say hi, or nothing at all? Why do they have to pretend they are interested?

i cant tell so i stick with mindset that all people are honest and liars because until they show which they are i dont know