Hello,
This is a train of thought more than a coherent piece of writing and it's a bit long, sorry.
I am 46 years old, female, and I have never fitted in. I never fitted in at school and I don't fit in as an adult. I believe I have got Asperger's.
As a child, I did not get on at school. I was always that 'geeky kid who didn't fit in'. I was - in their eyes and the eyes of adults - non-conformist and difficult. I didn't relate to the other kids at all and, as a result, had a very hard time, particularly in high school. I frequently bunked off lessons although academically I had no problems at all and somehow managed to leave with ten O Levels with good grades (and in intelligence tests I was - and still am - above average intelligence) but on a social level I was and still am a complete and utter disaster.
My mother, who'd been largely absent up until then, remarried when I was a pre-teen, took us kids back from our grandmother, and my thuggish stepfather made life hell; so with life at school being a nightmare and life at home being a nightmare also, things weren't good.
As an adult I have not been able to hang onto a job for more than a couple of years at a time, due to being terribly socially awkward, and I am not a 'team player' (I despise that expression) much preferring being left alone to get on with it. I get annoyed and having a short fuse and volcanic temper, which are both due to getting very frustrated, don't help. I have a good vocabulary but when I lose my temper I'm afraid it's the f-word or c-word every other word, as I lose my ability to think straight once the red mist descends and my language skills disappear along with rational thought processes.
I don't always know how to conduct myself around other people and I am very quiet in groups. The only reason I've learned to be socially acceptable is copy others and what they did or said. I have got an unfortunate 'talent' for saying precisely the wrong thing or making a crass joke in an inappropriate setting or at an inappropriate time.
I have been 'let go' from quite a few jobs for 'my attitude' (actually I think I'll have 'we've had to let you go' carved on my gravestone!) and my 'lack of team ethics'. People don't like me and think of me as arrogant, aloof, stuck up and a complete know-all. That's probably because I can't relate to people, I am completely hopeless at dealing with them. Actually, I don't know how to deal with them at all and this has caused friction in the work place. If I feel, rightly or wrongly, that I am being 'got at', my brain shuts down and I have to fight an overwhelming urge to yell at people, be rude and swear. Fortunately I currently work from home, in IT, and can swear as much as I like, as long as I don't get tempted to send any regrettable emails.
I have few real friends (two) and have always found it hard to make and keep friends. I hate social gatherings, unless it's a handful of people who share my interests and who I know very well; I go out of my way to avoid parties and I find it hard to follow conversations, especially if there is a lot of background noise and hubbub.
I cannot bear dressing up, I feel far more comfortable in jeans and t-shirt. I feel stupid and ridiculous in party wear or even formal office wear, completely out of my comfort zone. Because I wear jeans and t-shirts, with a jumper or hoodie in colder weather, people assume I am gay. I am not but it does annoy me as it seems to me that people try to pigeon-hole or stereotype people based on gender (I have no time whatsoever for gender-based stereotypes - I don't see why people should have to conform to a set of perceived standards based on their sex).
I am useless at - and have no time for - small talk and idle chit-chat. I can't tolerate being talked down to and that includes the programming on the TV. I am very interested in science but find a lot of science programming unwatchable because it's dumbed down to appeal to the public.
I don't have any empathy for people and, if I see a news story about a terrible accident I am usually left cold. I get upset about animals and even machines sometimes (crashed planes or wrecked ships in particular) but not about people. I view things very dispassionately.
I am easily annoyed by things like adverts, the noise of children and pop music. I can't put up with other people's music and that goes for music at work as well (luckily I currently work from home so I can listen to what I want) and I go out of my way to avoid commercial radio. However, I love heavy rock and metal music. My musical tastes are pretty narrow and I don't listen to anything other than that - I hate pop, and classical goes in one ear and straight out of the other.
I am single. I can't get my head around the concept of relationships and families, and the thought of having children fills me with horror. I can't get close to people and even shy away from compliments. However, I feel resentment towards people with kids and go so far as to unfollow people on social media as soon as they announce they are expecting. I find that kind of thing both boring and repulsive which is another thing that sets me aside from 'normal' people. I don't like close contact and I like to keep a large personal space around me, and I get annoyed when people get too close. I was in London for work a few weeks ago and got so angry with people walking in my way as I walked back to the station I resorted to shoulder barging one or two of them out of my way - not civilised behaviour, I know.
However, thanks to severe anxiety I can't live on my own, despite being capable of it and have spent the past 11 years living with my aunt.
I have very intense interests and hobbies, centred around science and transport, and these are pretty much to the exclusion of all else. I have five main interests but usually concentrate on one at a time - they all take their turn. However, because of these hobbies I have travelled all over the world - funnily enough I have always enjoyed travel and am happy out 'on the road' and I feel I can cope far better abroad than I can here in the UK, feeling your problems are thousands of miles away can be quite therapeutic...
A couple of years ago, I was listening to a programme on Radio 4 in which people were talking about autism, specifically Asperger's, and it was - to use a cliché - a lightbulb moment. I listened to these people and thought 'that could be me talking'; the same when I have read testimonies from people on the net. I never pursued a formal diagnosis but I have done a variety of tests and they all say the same thing, that I am very likely to have ASD. The most recent test gave me a score of 47 - the higest score is 50!
I am wondering whether to bother getting a formal assessment and diagnosis or not. I am 100% certain I have ASD but I don't know if getting it formally acknowledged would be worthwhile or not. However, even an informal, self, diagnosis has answered a lot of questions and made a few things clear as to why I am the way I am.
Thank you for reading this ramble. I don't feel like I have adequately put these things into words, it's more a 'stream of consciousness' but I hope I have got my point across.
