Feeling like trash about having meltdowns

Hi, I have recently been having major issues in terms of self esteem.

Everytime I have a meltdown I always feel like trash afterwards, ashamed of myself for letting myself get into that state again and worried that it will cause my family to worry about me even more.

Furthermore, I have had zero self esteem in general, partially due to past traumas coming back to me, my guilt of having a meltdown and the fact I feel I can't go anywhere on the internet without seeing 'autism' used in an in insulting manner and its recently started to wear down my self worth a lot.

I need help, yet part of me feels too apathtic to seek professional help as I am worried they won't understand me or that how I am feeling is not valid.

  • Thank you.

    I honestly feel that I am getting somewhere by admitting that I shouldn't feel how I am feeling, and part of it may be frustration as often will say something which someone else may see as a joke, but I would take personally which can cause me to act 'irrationally' in their eyes.