Hi,
This was just something I wanted to share - I wonder if anyone has been in a similar situation and has any advice?
Im 21. The whole of of my life since I was little I've always felt like I've been on the outside looking in on the world and never being able to step in myself. I always had a fixed idea in my head when I was younger of how people were going to be, although through growing up I've come to realise and appreciate how people do behave. I have high functioning aspergers (diagnosed when I was 17). I had difficulty making friends when I was little ( although I don't remember much), but throughout secondary school I made a group of 'friends' and was able to fit in with them. The trouble was, they were incredibly rude and bitchy to me and other people in the group and in the end I was fed up with being treated like ***. I did everything I could possibly think of - my parents didn't like the way they treated me either, so I don't think I did anything wrong there. By the time I reached sixth form I got fed up with myself for not having any nice friends and fed up with everyone else because I had tried to hard for so many years and had still not managed to get on anyone's radar. I ended up distancing myself entirely from everyone in college and spent most of my days by myself. My parents were my only source of interaction and I got increasingly lonely and depressed towards the end of my first year in sixth form, to the point where I had spent so much time on my own that I basically had a mental breakdown. I developed OCD which was scary in itself because I didnt know what it was, and it was then after seeing a mental health team that I was diagnosed with aspergers at the same time. Although I didn't interact with anyone throughout the rest of my a levels i got better and consoled myself that things would be different in university.
I was so excited to go to university and leave home to go halls. Although my OCD had been getting worse again I loved hanging around with people my own age. I quickly got to know someone in my class in college in the first week. She suggested going to a club during freshens week and I went with her. Having never got drunk before, and not knowing the limitations of my alcohol consumption I ended up throwing up everywhere and embarrassing myself. Afraid that she would tell other people in my class, I once again hid away. Although I was friendly with other people in my class they started to form their own cliques and I couldn't see any way of finding my way into them. I started to rely heavily on two of my flat mates for social interaction and the three of us became quite close. However, one of them would only text me when they were bored and no one else was around ( I'm not reading into anything here because she does pretty much say these things in her texts) whilst the other drifted away. Fast forward to now, and one has completely left whilst the other still texts me when she's bored and has no one else to hang out with. Once again I am in a situation where I have pretty much no one my own age to talk to. I find it extremely depressing to be in this position again. A lot of the time that autism is depicted in a film the person in question has a much higher iq than the average person, but with me it's not the case. Coupled with the fact that I haven't ever had a proper person I could call a friend and that i have to work out sometimes what people mean ( I take things quite literally sometimes) I just feel pointless and stupid. I have to go back in Septembr to uni for my final year, with no one in class I could talk to beyond pleasantries and I just feel like I've screwed everything up again. My aspergers hasnt been picked up by anyone and anyone I have toled has been surprised. i have genuinely been really nice to people as much as possible. I just don't know how to go forward and hopefully make some friends that won't treat me like ***.
if anyone has taken the time to read this (for which I am grateful) does anyone have any advice or experience that has helped them in this or a similar problem?
Thanks
